Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

45 & first baby

72 replies

Everythingnotsaved · 07/02/2020 05:12

My friend is desperate for a child- they are on their 4th round of IVF and want to keep going & trying. I really feel for them and can’t imagine how painful it must be when you really want a baby.

When do you call it a day though? I know that’s none of my business but I worry that it’s just putting them through such stress & it’s false hope when she is now 45 - I think they are going for donor eggs now so think then the odds are better.

Aibu to worry- it’s all they think about & they have been trying for 7 years now both naturally & with treatments . I’d never say anything but I do wonder too how ethical the doctors are - it’s had a big impact on them both financially and emotionally. I know you do hear success stories though

My friend isn’t the same person she was 7 years ago- she’s so stressed 😥

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 07/02/2020 06:26

Your friend may appear broken but, if successful, I venture to suggest that she will miraculously be made whole and the years will drop off her.

For you, OP Flowers and for your friend Flowers

Trahira · 07/02/2020 06:31

You sound like a good friend OP. None of us can predict the future - it may be that your friend should stop now to save herself further pain and distress, it may be that she does end up with her miracle baby and the awful years of treatment were worth it, or there may be other outcomes too. You can’t make the decision for her although I can imagine it’s painful for you to watch the effect on your friend and feel so helpless.

MyOtherProfile · 07/02/2020 08:01

Other ways ? I am intrigued 45 is pushing it for adoption of an under 1.
I did
Isn't specify adoption or having an under 1 though, did I?

ColaFreezePop · 07/02/2020 08:19

They call it a day when they are ready to call it a day.

People are individuals.

I know couples much younger than your friend who called it a day after less rounds.

LuluBellaBlue · 07/02/2020 08:22

I can’t believe you made a thread about this - I’d be devasted if you were my friend.

Just support her and take your judgy hat off

Worried2020 · 07/02/2020 08:26

You cannot imagine the pain of infertility unless you’ve been through it yourself. It’s truly horrendous. YABU. Be a good friend. Don’t question. Don’t judge. You’ll never truly understand her pain so just listen.

Alisaslisa · 07/02/2020 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oulu · 07/02/2020 08:57

Someone I used to work with had a baby at 54 using donor eggs after 11 miscarriages. The baby was fine, is now around 20, and the mother is still working. It's fair to say, however, that the parents were fairly well off which helped with the financial strains and also with childcare.

JRUIN · 07/02/2020 08:58

I don't understand why you would start a thread about this. You are not her husband so it really has nothing to do with you as to how long she goes on trying for a baby. You don't have to live with her do you? Personally I think in an ideal world 45 is a bit old to be starting a family, but this isn't an ideal world and I totally understand this poor woman's longing to be a mum by whatever means. and your job, as her friend, is to be there to give her support and a listening ear when she needs it NOT to judge her for her choices Hmm

PrincessHoneysuckle · 07/02/2020 09:04

I wouldnt want to be in my late 50s on the school run but in her circumstances it's her only option and she obviously wants to be a mum as she wouldn't be putting herself through this.Just continue to support her,that's all you can do.

SerenDippitty · 07/02/2020 09:10

I have been through infertility myself and I understand why you are concerned about your friend. It looks like she simply cannot envisage a life without a child. I also share your feelings about the ethics of the IVF business. Just be there for her..

PurpleDaisies · 07/02/2020 09:14

Aren’t you concerned she is going to read this? I’d be gutted if my friend posted this about me.

JoanieCash · 07/02/2020 09:30

I think you’re a good and worried friend. You mention ethics -but what you don’t know is the consultations she’s been having. So it’s quite likely she’s been told the odds along the lines: 4% pregnancy rate, 50% miscarriage, so likely

penguin246 · 07/02/2020 09:35

Her personal choice. You could tell her about Gateway Women.

HavelockVetinari · 07/02/2020 09:38

Before contraception lots of women had babies well into their 40s. Donor eggs eliminate the added risk of foetal abnormalities. Your friend will be fine, 45 isn't too old. I hope it works for her, infertility is fucking horrendous.

CakeandCustard28 · 07/02/2020 09:40

YABU. It’s her body, her choice. Her money, her choice. Be her friend and support her!

Waveysnail · 07/02/2020 09:45

Its intriguing how we judge woman for having kids in late 40 yet no one really beats an eyelid at men who are in their 50s having babies with younger women

Waveysnail · 07/02/2020 09:46

*bats

Delbelleber · 07/02/2020 09:54

I don't think it's fair on the child. They are going to lose their parents early on in life and that's not fair.

OldMumYoungNan · 07/02/2020 09:55

Donor eggs reduce certain risks.

So as long as the parent has enough energy at the age of 45 (to see them through to 60+) then it is a personal choice.

Grandparents in their 40s and 50s for many generations have raised grandchildren successfully.

timmy88 · 07/02/2020 09:57

my friends also did not work for many years and they found some treatment for two years they were treated and after that they managed to have twins of beautiful children

hopefulhalf · 07/02/2020 09:59

The Elton John comment was about donor eggs.

In our local authority it is not likely you will be matched with a newborn as a first child with both partners over the age of 45 or indeed as a single adoptoer

EL8888 · 07/02/2020 09:59

Not your place to decide. Infertility is tough and other peoples half baked opinions, thoughts and ‘stories’ don’t help. People who get pregnant oh so easily, don’t know what it is like. When they stop is up to them , only they know when it is

EL8888 · 07/02/2020 10:01

@Waveysnail exactly! It’s not appropriate

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/02/2020 10:05

OMG OP is not inflicting her opinions on her friend- the hysteria on mn re: infertility is extreme.
OP is just curious as to when enough is enough- she is not going to abandon her friend or push her opinions on to them.
Sounds like you've been a great friend OP- and Im very sorry for your friend's struggle.
Could I personally keep pursuing a ivf after 7yrs at 45, probably not but Im not in that position. I wish her the very best

Swipe left for the next trending thread