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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money

127 replies

getyaminkehout · 06/02/2020 23:05

To ask for the child benefit money..

I do work but only one day a week, partner works full time and has done for 10+ years. I'm just feeling low as any problems I seem to have all stem from having little to no money.

OP posts:
Helmlover1 · 07/02/2020 00:33

Hold on, you look after your child and child benefit is meant to be for the upkeep of your child, so why are you transferring it to your husband every month? I bet he’s building up a nice little savings pot.

Original poster
getyaminkehout · 07/02/2020 00:34

@Helmlover1 he does have savings but from his own left over money. He does put some away for our daughter too

OP posts:
Reversiblesequinsforadults · 07/02/2020 00:37

No you both say where you've spent the money and then you discuss the budget.
This is not ok and you know it.

Belindabelle · 07/02/2020 00:39

I was going to say the best way to work it is to put your wages, his wages and the CB into one account. Work out what the joint bills are including all car costs and your DD’s expenses then split the remainder.

However given what you have said about his spending and attitude I definitely think you should look into maximising you income and planning your escape.

AutumnRose1 · 07/02/2020 00:42

OP “ He doesn't seem to realise how £20/£30 fuel a week, taking our daughter out to soft play/playgroups and buying other essentials takes up my money”

He knows. He knows EXACTLY what he’s doing.

Can you go anywhere? Parents, friends? Stop giving him this money. He’s gambling it or building up savings, one day you’ll find him AND the joint account gone.

Hollyhobbi · 07/02/2020 00:43

Big red flag there. Gambling and whatnot on his phone. Does he have a credit card? Do you think he might have run up debts from gambling?

Original poster
getyaminkehout · 07/02/2020 00:44

Sorry I missed a post.. no I haven't had any previous poor financial history. I've never been in debt, never owed anybody anything, never even had or needed an overdraft. Granted, I've bought things like cleaning products and fancy shelves from the joint account when we first moved out together and was both contributing and made the account have less money in it but never to a point where we are overdrawn etc

OP posts:
Original poster
getyaminkehout · 07/02/2020 00:45

@Hollyhobbi no I doubt it, it's usually things like football index where you buy shares in players sort of thing, I don't understand any of it! I do ask him how much he's put into it but never really get a true answer

OP posts:
Belindabelle · 07/02/2020 00:47

Don’t say if you don’t want to but how much does he earn.
Do you know?

Original poster
getyaminkehout · 07/02/2020 00:48

Around £1300/£1400 after tax.

OP posts:
Belindabelle · 07/02/2020 01:02

OK then you work it out. Say he gets £1300 and you get £240. CB is £80.
Do you get tax credits? If not your monthly income is around £1620.
Deduct your rent, Council tax, utilities, Phones, insurances and food. Work out how much you pay for fuel and roughly how much you spend on DD. See how much is left. You should have half that amount.

Dontdisturbmenow · 07/02/2020 03:13

buying other essentials takes up my money
What other essentials? It sounds like he pays all the bills incuding food, clothes for your DD.

Surely you don't take your DD to a soft play centre every day. £60 a week disposable income is quite a lot for a low to average earning family.

Pippa12 · 07/02/2020 05:06

Does he pay all of the household bills Including food, nappies, clothes, essentials for your daughter out of his wage and child benefit. What are your financial commitments out of your £240 a month? Could I ask which bills/payments your struggling with?

I’m just trying to work out if the £240 a month is ‘spending money’. IMHO I think this is a sizeable amount to spend on soft play, petrol and sanitary products, and he has £300? I’d perhaps ask for another £30 to make it equal? This is assuming I’ve missed the part about you splitting essential bills? How much petrol do you use to run him to work, and realistically how much do you put in your tank? For context it costs me £45 p/w to do all the school runs and a 45 minute round trip to work 3 times a week plus town driving.

Do you have a card for shopping or does he give you the cash and you can’t see what is/isn’t going out of the bank? You definitely should have access to this. Does he dictate to you what you spend your £240 on? Car upkeep imo should be joint, unless he doesn’t want/need to use the car.

Before I get flamed for asking questions I’m just trying to get the full picture. Me and my DH probably have less disposable income each every month tbh (after saving, petrol, mortgage etc) so I’m trying to ascertain what your commitments are.

Kazplus2 · 07/02/2020 05:31

So what happens if there is no petrol in the car? Can you get around without it? If he needs to go anywhere then tell him there is no petrol and you have no money for it. Maybe a starting point is getting him to agree to a set amount of petrol funds each month.

cochineal7 · 07/02/2020 06:06

I know a bit off topic but it is important for the child benefit to be paid in YOUR name as you are not working and it gives national insurance credit (important for state pension.)

CodyBurns · 07/02/2020 06:25

OP, you are being financially abused. It isn’t your fault and you have done nothing wrong. Your partner has created a smokescreen around money and is hoarding family resources as a means to control you. I know exactly what that feels like because I’ve been there myself and it is humiliating.

It sounds like you have tried to talk to your partner about the situation and you have been brushed off or ignored. Your partner doesn’t want you to work (which is a big red flag) and he has money for his own expenditure whilst you are struggling on £60 a week which you are using on petrol to ferry him around.

When was the last time you had a haircut OP? What about new clothes? I’m willing to bet your partner is always able to afford things for himself whilst letting you go without.

When I was being financially abused I didn’t have a haircut for 2 years, I had holes in all of my clothes and no money for bras. It was dreadful and I still look back and wonder how on earth it happened to me. Like your partner my ex husband also paid the child benefit money into his account (which means I now have gaps in my national insurance record). At least in your situation it is going into your account, what do you think he might do if you put your foot down and said ‘no I need this money for DD’?

Your post and replies indicate that you are worried about his reaction if you say ‘no’ to transferring the money, you are afraid to touch the joint account, you go ‘cap in hand’ to him asking for money and you are worried about bringing the subject up in conversation. These are all signs that you have been conditioned to allow him to be lord and master of the family finances. What happens when he doesn’t get his way? How does he react when you question him or challenge him? Are you afraid of him in any way? How does he speak to you generally? Al good questions to ask yourself as you are trying to unpick what is a terribly unfair situation for you and your child.

SnoozyLou · 07/02/2020 06:54

The only reason he's the sole earner is because you've given up work to take care of his child.

This situation is extremely unhealthy, and I agree with other posters that it's a form of abuse. He has absolute power over all of your finances, and you're using your what little you earn to pay for petrol to ferry him around? And he had £300 left to himself at the end of the very month, while you're scratching around for spare change?

It would a strong no from me.

Weffiepops · 07/02/2020 06:54

It's financial abuse -dump him

sarahjconnor · 07/02/2020 06:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnoozyLou · 07/02/2020 07:07

Also, if he's a gambler, realistically, you can't count on there being any savings for your daughter. I would want access to all the statements to see where it's all going. If you're accountable to him for every penny you earn, he's accountable to you too.

Cremebrule · 07/02/2020 07:47

He is quite low earning so it isn’t fully clear from the numbers whether you are all just struggling with affording everything and/or there is an element of financial abuse. You do need to be able to produce a joint budget and if he’s not willing to do that then I think you’ve got a problem. Could you pick up any more hours? You’re in quite a vulnerable position effectively being a SAHM while being unmarried regardless of the financial situation.

AlwaysCheddar · 07/02/2020 07:48

Wow! Start using the joint account for fuel. He’s vile. Start digging into what his financial position is - he could be up to his eyes in debt for all you know.

CakeandCustard28 · 07/02/2020 07:51

Start using the joint account. His child too, why shouldn’t he contribute to taking your DC out etc? Use the joint account for petrol too.
Failing that, leave if you can. He’s finically abusing you.

Keepmewarm · 07/02/2020 07:57

Make a stand. Child benefit stays in your account to use for fuel or it goes in the bills account and the fuel comes out of that. That’s the compromise.

You can’t afford to work one day a week op.

Parky04 · 07/02/2020 08:04

Sounds to me that as a family you just don't earn enough. There is no doubt though that you need to keep the Child Benefit money.

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