Money

[getyaminkehout]

To ask for the child benefit money..

I do work but only one day a week, partner works full time and has done for 10+ years. I'm just feeling low as any problems I seem to have all stem from having little to no money.

Does he have £300 a week or month left over to spend on himself?

I can't get a full time job as i would have nobody to look after my child and we'd have to pay for childcare. I don't actually want anybody else looking after my child if I'm honest.

This is not reasonable. Fuel is a family expense. Doing nice things with your child is a family expense. He is being a dick. Tell him it has to stop.

What do you mean, "not allowed"? Surely financial decisions are made together? My husband and I don't "allow" each other to do anything. We do what we want based on consideration for our family and discussion if it's a big decision.

Wtf? I look after the child benefit money as I'm the one who looks after the kids...(I did on maternity!).

Now it's saved as it goes into our joint savings account as I'm working full time. It's used if the kids need clothes, shoes, towards trips, passes for places... sometimes we save it for Christmas or birthday presents!

Your husband is being very unreasonable. How old are you children? Could you work more? To build up a financial pot and leave your controlling partner..

@AutumnRose1 no he isn't threatening me but asks me multiple times each month if I have sent the money over from the child benefit

Are you married?

OP “ no he isn't threatening me but asks me multiple times each month if I have sent the money over from the child benefit”

So you’re a not vulnerable adult, and you’ve decided to do as you’re told by another adult?

I’ll get flamed I know, but if that’s all there is to it, I can’t help you.

@AutumnRose1 obviously I'm a vulnerable adult. I just wouldn't go against him or anyone really if it was going to cause unnecessary issue

This is absolutely insane.

I'm sorry but from the info here it sounds like financially abusing you.

Please don't put up with this.

• you as the primary carer of the child should have the child benefit in your account, full stop
• you should never have to ask him for money to buy clothes for your child or yourself
• if your driving him to work there is no reason in the universe why you should be paying the fuel from your own personal money
• £60 a week is less than £10 a day so yes that's not enough to take your child for a day out somewhere nice and also have enough money for the rest of the week. It is his child too so why does he not think its an issue that the child is missing out.
• the big one : he encouraged you not to return to work. This is a big teller that something is not right, because if you hadn't returned to work anyway, you and his daughter would be entirely reliant on him. You would have to ask him for everything and he would have absolute complete control.
• he already knows your struggling and the child is missing out and he hasnt done anything about it

Call him out on it. Tell him, don't ask, that you want the child benefit money directly from the benefit people to your account from now on because you are the primary carer of the child as you are stay at home parent 6 days a week.
His response could be very telling.

Just realised you already get the child benefit directly to you and then you transfer it to him. That's even more insane

OP “ obviously I'm a vulnerable adult”

Sorry OP, I’ve not “met” you before and didn’t know that

But I did put the Women’s Aid link in my first reply to you

@Lilymossflower I know it seems insane just typing it, I don't know why I let this happen or carry on for so long.

Not calling you insane BTW, just the situation.
OK so you give it to him when he asks because you don't want to cause any unnecessary issues.
Well he is already causing the issue, by asking multiple times for the money and making you feel like you would be causing and issue by saying no!

Say no. Say no every single time from now on and if he makes it into an issue that's on him, not you. Taking charge of the basic needs of you and your child is normal, its jot causing a scene or an unnecessary issue. You got this.

To answer your question - no, you're not being unreasonable to use the child benefit money on your child, but you are being unreasonable to 'ask for' it. Tell him you're keeping it, to spend on your child.

You sound like a kind and gentle person

Thankyou @Lilymossflower I needed to hear this. I just felt like I was asking for too much. He won't take it very well but I guess I need to be a bit stronger

You might want to stay at home with your child but it really looks as though you'd be better off getting a job.

You might need to be financially independent one day.

Don't ask him for money. Tell him that you both need to sit down and talk about money and your outgoings because you don't have enough cash for activities. Discuss things other than basic bills such as fuel, clothes, activities for the child, fun for you. Make a budget that is fair for both of you and take control. Btw, discussing budgets together is normal.

Do you have previous history of being bad with money? Even though accounts in his name obviously you can draw from it for food shopping so you know what's left after Bill's. Does he spend the money or put it into savings?

For a start the petrol money needs to come from the account. Then depending on money that's left after that - you £60 should be taken into account and money split so you both have same spending money

For example he has £300 a month left and petrol is say £150 a month that would leave him £150 a month to spend which is less than £60 a week you currently have as spending.

Stop giving him the Child Benefit money. When he questions this tell him you are using that money towards the family car running costs. If he would prefer you will deposit the CB money but you will take all the car costs from the joint account.

Don't fuel the car up then when he asks for a lift you say no as there's no fuel and you have no money. His response will tell you everything.

I have tried countless times to sit down and tell him how bad I'm struggling and he just questions me as to what I've spent my money on and where it's gone etc. He does have enough money for himself, he smokes and always seems to be on his phone gambling or whatnot. He doesn't seem to realise how £20/£30 fuel a week, taking our daughter out to soft play/playgroups and buying other essentials takes up my money. He is always reminding me that I need to save up for the cars MOT too. I didn't want to post every detail about him and the situation and I tried to keep it as un-bias as possible

So you work for him - childcare, cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, sexual compliance - and he rewards you by buying you lipstick and sanitary products? That is not a partnership. That is servitude. Take your 60 pounds and see a lawyer. You could get the child benefit and your earnings and child support from him and control your own life.