Telling another child off

[MamaD90]

So today i took my 8 month old baby to playgroup where there is a 16mnth old boy who is know to be pretty boisterous. Anyway my baby and her little friend were playing on the mat with some toys (it was just them on the floor as most mums had gone home by this point) and this little boy comes over and slams down a wooden toy which landed about 30cm away from the babies. His mum just laughed (she is VERY relaxed on any for of discipline) and then he picked it up to do it again and as it went down it was so close to the babies it actually frightened mine and she started to wimper. I immediately put my hand on the toy and said very firmly that toys are not to be thrown and especially not around babies as it cohld hurt them. He took it well and went to his mum who said "its ok you didnt hurt her" and then started throwing wooden bricks which started him off again! I sighed quite loudly and moved my baby away and she then got up and left with her boy quite quickly. I feel bad for upsetting her but i felt thw babies were unsafe and she clearly wasnt going to ask her son to stop. Did i overreact??

YABU to refer to the 16 month old as a little boy, he is still learning and very much a baby. Ditto your comment that the offending child is known to be boisterous, again he is still very little, still learning and too young to be pigeon holed as a problem child, which from your tone is what you are trying to infer. Saying this if I were his mother I would lead him away/distract him if I thought there was any danger in him hurting another child and I hope you will do the same when your baby reaches the 'boisterous' stage and starts terrorising other babies.

Ah you people.. I've had two toddlers and I've never let them throw toys ever (unless it's outside and the toy is a ball..). It's not that hard to watch your child and make sure they don't injure another.

The mother should of stopped him straight away. Lazy parenting at its finest! Bet she was one of “those chavvy” ones.

Telling a child that we don't throw toys is not at all unreasonable. It's not telling them off, it's teaching them. Sure, at 16 months they might not understand (especially if they see their mum throwing toys), but you start telling them things before they understand, rather than waiting until you're sure they will. You do have to be careful about tone of voice with other people's children, trying to make it friendly not telling-off. If the child is often boisterous, mum may be feeling quite sensitive, and that everyone thinks her child is naughty, which may lead her to overreact.

but you start telling them things before they understand, rather than waiting until you're sure they will

^^ This.

I’d of said the same Yanbu

I don't think you were unreasonable at all !

I hate when people refuse to parent their child !

Of course a toddler is still inexperienced and clueless about what they need to do or not do around younger children, but that's what parents need to teach them !!!! It takes time and effort, and I'm all for the ''we need to be gentle around the little ones'' approach to teaching, but to then encourage your boisterous toddler to throw bricks instead of a larger wooden toy bloody well defies logic and will not teach the toddler anything !!!! ( except to ignore other adults and run to mummy when told off, which seems to be more of the norm these days)

I EXPECTED my children, no matter what their age, to be disciplined (with words only) by any adult who had witnessed them doing something unacceptable , and I would discipline them myself if anyone told me they were misbehaving !
Today it seems like no-one is allowed to reprimand anyone else's DC, no matter what !

It was my kids KNOWING that any bad behaviour would be addressed by ANY local adult, and likely reported back to me that made them behave well, no matter where they went to play !

said very firmly that toys are not to be thrown and especially not around babies as it cohld hurt them. I think this is crazy. By all means tell him not to bang toys down next to the babies but telling him “toys are not to be thrown” is very obviously wrong because a myriad of toys can and are banged about the place and children even use toys in non-prescribed ways. Could you not have just asked him to play further away? The mother was obviously trying to undo your assertion and model that playing is ok. She left because you were passively aggressively sighing and she didn’t want her child to be cowed by your adult opinion.

The sensible option is to have a baby-area for younger ones. Most play groups make it clear with a rolled out rug or circle of rope/benches and more baby focused toys. Rules on the rug are clear.

Never seen the issue with telling other people’s children to stop if they’re doing something dangerous or just unacceptable.
But I’m a child of the 60s, and that’s what adults did back then...whilst we were having the idyllic, roaming free childhood so many lament is lost now.
I don’t want anyone hurt because of my inaction when I see a potential problem.
I’m not much of a one for PA methods.
If you don’t want someone to say anything negative that crushes your child’s fragile ego, don’t let them be a thoughtless arse.

Oh, and at 16 months, I’d just say ‘No, don’t throw’ and move my own child out of the way. It’s why preschool, nursery and the rest are so useful for early socialising. Especially if not just run by the parents if the children attending.

If you don’t want someone to say anything negative that crushes your child’s fragile ego, don’t let them be a thoughtless arse.
You have very obviously never met an anxious child. Think outside your own experience, you’ve been here since the 60s surely you are ready to experience some diversity?

A lot of children are anxious if they don’t know the rules and parameters. You can set those in a calm, even non-threatening tone that allows them to understand what just happened.

Is that what’s being described Dancing? (And no that doesn’t always work with an anxious child and from an unknown adult is very likely not to be received as you think)

How’ve we jumped from a toddler happily chucking bricks to a discussion on handling older children with anxiety?

It’s more about anxious, sensitive mummies not coping if someone else complains about their child’s behaviour.

Is it? How do you know that?

Snowflake parenting of toddler....no wonder he's boisterous when mummy won't say 'no' to him.

What? He's a baby too! 'Known to be boisterous' YABU

For god's sake!!!!!! He's 16 month old baby

@Dancingontheedge that's where your ideas on child development should stay, in the 60's!! Man alive, a 16 month old baby doesn't have an ego, they don't have a fully developed sense of self yet and won't for sometime, ergo they can't be thoughtless, they don't have the cognitive ability to be thoughtless and know that behaviour in undesirable and choose to do it anyway. Have you got Grandchildren yet? Might be best to brush up on some child development studies before you do!

Yes the Mum was being completely lax, but calling a 16 month old baby 'a thoughtless arse' is absolutely beyond the pale!

If the mother wasn't going to control the child then you had no choice but to do so.

I think you were being U to tell him off so sternly. Just a simple "no" would have been adequate. At that age they do not understand discipline. They are babies. They should be starting to develop an idea of the word "no" though which combined with a shake of the head and frown and then a positive redirection works well. So you say "no" and shake you head then follow with a new idea, at that age nothing very complicated so just offering them a new toy instead.

With my first child I used to expect at 18m-3y that there would be a greater understanding than there was, so it was always "don't throw the blocks you might hurt the babies, why don't we try stacking them instead? You don't want the babies o be sad do you..." etc. Which was pointless. When I read up on child development and realised that all the explaining and moralising was way beyond their age and stage I started simplifying it right down. I honestly think the words "no" and "stop" can be incredibly powerful. Especially if you don't dwell or moralise the behaviour.

The mother sounds lax, but if you saw me with my younger kids you'd probably think I was making light of their behaviour if you were expecting some big display of discipline or Action. They would just be told "no" and given a new activity, and I would say "sorry" to the person they upset or hurt. But I don't dwell. The aim is to make it clear it is unwanted behaviour and to de-escalate before there is an accident/injury not to make the children feel guilt. Children that young cannot feel guilty, their conscience hadn't developed yet!

I think there's a bigger problem here, the mother isn't just lax, she's actively encouraging the child to act out. She may be acting out through him.
The poor kid doesn't stand a chance in life with parenting like that - unless other people step in and counteract what she is saying.

*Your PFB will be a toddler in no time and will be boisterous at times, throw toys, be less than gentle around younger children, hit another child, snatch things, and maybe bite.

My child is out of the toddler phase and I haven’t seen any of this behaviour at all. It’s really not inevitable if you teach them how to behave.*

Here's the thing, though, all children are different. My DD1 (now 10) has serious anger issues because of being adopted and SEN. She can get violent, throwing things, and has been violent to me at various times. There's none of that with DD2 (7), despite the fact that they're full birth sisters.

Your toddler didn't do those things but if you were to have a second child you might have to eat a good dose of humble pie.

Having said that, the mum should certainly have been supervising. Although lecturing her toddler was pointless, he was hardly going to understand was he? Just a firm 'no' was required and gentle redirection.

The “poor kid” put a toy down with a bang. He wasn’t doing anything inappropriate just too close to a more vulnerable child.

Yes the Mum was being completely lax, but calling a 16 month old baby 'a thoughtless arse' is absolutely beyond the pale!

Very true. It's the mum that was the 'thoughtless arse', and her baby will sadly very likely be one when he's old enough to be one.