DH doesn’t care if I fancy him

[Smorgasbored0000]

NC for this as I don’t want it linked with my other posts . . .

I don’t know why I’m upset about this but DH and I were having a conversation about what he would wear to an upcoming christening. I mentioned a particular suit he wears occasionally and told him he always looks really attractive when he wears it. Rest of conversation went as follows. .

DH: I don’t care whether you think I’m attractive in it. I’m only wearing it if it’s comfortable.
Me: so you don’t care if I think you’re attractive?
DH: Not really. Why does that matter?
Me: surely you want your own wife to find you attractive?
DH: why would that matter to me though whether you think I’m attractive?

And now I’m not talking to him.

I can’t articulate why this has annoyed and upset me so much. It’s almost as if he’s saying my opinion of him doesn’t matter (although I don’t think that’s what he actually means). He is quite well groomed, always tidy and smart, but I feel upset by his words. I can’t explain why though.

To avoid drip feeding, our sex life has taken a major nose dive since having DS 8 months ago. And now I feel like if he doesn’t even care whether I fancy him or not, why would I bother having sex with him?

Would you be bothered by this?

How would you feel if he told you what to wear?
“Wear that dress in front of all our friends you look hot in it”
Ridiculously immature

He's basically telling you to butt out of his outfit choices as he wants to wear what's comfortable.

That's completely fair enough imo.

I wasn’t telling him what to wear. I said he looked nice in that suit because he asked my opinion.

So you'd rather he's uncomfortable? And your attraction to him based on wearing clothes he finds uncomfortable? YABVU and shallow.

I didn’t say I wanted him to be uncomfortable. He asked me what I thought he should wear to the christening. So I said that particular suit because he looks nice in it.

Why the !!

I’d feel upset too OP, a normal conversation would mean he’s pleased you feel like that and make an effort.

The other thing I’m thinking though ... if he’s initiating sex and you don’t feel like ... understandable with a baby .... maybe he’s trying to say what’s the point in looking attractive

Maybe he's gained a bit of weight and the suit doesn't fit comfortably anymore.

It's okay to make a suggestion but you pushed it too far and overreacted.

I would say he's happy in his own skin and doesn't need your opinion of his attractiveness for his self esteem. Sounds pretty normal to me.

Now, if he regularly doesn't give a shit about your opinion then I can see why this has annoyed you but that's a much bigger issue.

If it's literally just this example you are being yabvvvu

There is a difference between, "that suit's uncomfortable so I don't think I'll wear it" and "I don't care if you find me attractive". However the first part of the conversation is missing so we have no idea about everyone's reasonableness.

DH would ask what suit to wear, I'd say "you look hot in the black one", he'd wear what he likes but also likes that I find him attractive. You know, normal people stuff.

YABU nobody needs to dress for anyone else's approval.

I’d be upset too.

I’d be upset also if DP didn’t find me attractive. It’s odd to say I don’t care if you find me attractive.

He could have said I want to be comfortable and left it at that, why did he need to tell you he doesn’t care if you don’t find him attractive? It’s an off thing for a partner to say.

Reads to me that if the sex is non-existent (for whatever the right/wrong reasons) then what's the point?

I think loads of my friends and family are attractive, I don't bang them though...

Well not talking to him isn’t going to help anything. How’s that going to be resolved?

And now I’m not talking to him. People like you are pathetic. I've never stopped speaking to my partner, if one of us has an issue we talk about it like adults.

Which one of you no longer wants to have sex? You both sound like a good shag would do you good!

Don't worry about the nasty posts OP, I can understand why you're upset. But I think it was probably just clumsy wording on his part?

This is going to be one of those conversations that is ALL about tone and the way things were said.

* And now I’m not talking to him.*

This kind of behaviour is more likely the reason he doesn’t seem to care what you think of him aesthetically (or indeed probably in any way)

Some of the posters on here are necessarily nasty.

I think probably you probably misunderstood each other. Did he actually mean, 'I dont care if you think im attractive, I want to be comfy', or did he mean 'I dont care if you think im attractive, sexual attraction between us doesnt matter anymore'?

I would also talk to him though and try and understand each others perspective....that part of this situation is pretty ridiculous.

Reverse?

*unnecessarily !

I’m not talking to him because I told him it was a really odd thing to say and he couldn’t understand why. This isn’t an issue about whether he’d be comfortable in a suit. I just said that he looked nice in the one he mentioned and he said it didn’t matter whether I thought he was attractive in it. I just thought it was a fucking odd thing to say. Obviously I’m attracted to more than his physical looks, but if looks don’t matter then we’d all be dressing in bin bags.

And yes, the sex is obviously an issue between us but comments like that don’t help.

He already knows what he wants to wear and what looks good on him. Flip this over and we'd all be saying why should she wear whatever to please him - it's weird.

I’m not talking to him because I told him it was a really odd thing to say and he couldn’t understand why

So wouldnt the best thing be to talk to him to try and make him understand why its upset you? Or try to understand why he doesnt care?