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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn’t care if I fancy him

61 replies

Smorgasbored0000 · 05/02/2020 19:18

NC for this as I don’t want it linked with my other posts . . .

I don’t know why I’m upset about this but DH and I were having a conversation about what he would wear to an upcoming christening. I mentioned a particular suit he wears occasionally and told him he always looks really attractive when he wears it. Rest of conversation went as follows. .

DH: I don’t care whether you think I’m attractive in it. I’m only wearing it if it’s comfortable.
Me: so you don’t care if I think you’re attractive?
DH: Not really. Why does that matter?
Me: surely you want your own wife to find you attractive?
DH: why would that matter to me though whether you think I’m attractive?

And now I’m not talking to him.

I can’t articulate why this has annoyed and upset me so much. It’s almost as if he’s saying my opinion of him doesn’t matter (although I don’t think that’s what he actually means). He is quite well groomed, always tidy and smart, but I feel upset by his words. I can’t explain why though.

To avoid drip feeding, our sex life has taken a major nose dive since having DS 8 months ago. And now I feel like if he doesn’t even care whether I fancy him or not, why would I bother having sex with him?

Would you be bothered by this?

OP posts:
Cambionome · 05/02/2020 19:59

I think his comment and attitude are quite odd to be honest. Is this typical of him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2020 19:59

How will he understand your upset at his comments if you don’t explain it to him?

Talk to him. Talk to your husband. You’ll feel better if you talk to him. The silent treatment is petty, mean and entirely unproductive.

Original poster
Smorgasbored0000 · 05/02/2020 20:00

My original AIBU seems to have got lost in this. No one was there for the conversation so I appreciate that it’s difficult, but my AIBU was would you care if your partner wasn’t bothered if you found them attractive? Whether you agree with me ‘telling him what to wear’ Hmm isn’t the point here.

OP posts:
sunfloweryy · 05/02/2020 20:03

I think people react to things in different ways depending on how they feel about the relationship at that time. If your feeling like the sexual side of things is lacking because you’ve just had a baby (fair enough) then it’s probably natural that you’d take this comment to heart. I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way, just have an honest chat about how it’s made you feel instead of ignoring him and I’m sure he’ll reassure you that he didn’t mean it the way you interpreted it. Good luck x

shinyredbus · 05/02/2020 20:04

My husband probably wouldn’t care - but he knows he’s attractive and doesn’t need me to tell him it though - that’s why I like him. Not talking to him because of it makes you sound about 13 though OP. Is this part of a bigger issue?

flossletsfloss · 05/02/2020 20:05

I totally get what you are saying OP. I'd be bothered if my DH didn't give a shit if I fancied him. In fact I regularly tell him to dress in certain things that I like. If it was up to him he'd wear baggy t shirts and dirty jeans every day. Filthy bastard. Love him though! Grin

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 05/02/2020 20:06

my AIBU was would you care if your partner wasn’t bothered if you found them attractive?

Yes most people would be bothered I would think. However I also think that, given the story behind it, there are other things to consider, which is why people aren't just commenting with a straight 'yes' or 'no'

SummersMahoosiveClipOnFringe · 05/02/2020 20:08

Could he be feeling that since you hardly have sex why would you finding him attractive be a top priority for him?

Possibly being passive/aggressive....

MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 05/02/2020 20:10

That was really mean of him OP.

By saying that, he's saying that he's not bothered whether you fancy him or not = He doesn't care if you like him.

=he doesn't care if you don't like him.

=he doesn't care about your feelings.

That type of indifference does not bode well for your relationship.

byefeliciabye · 05/02/2020 20:13

I would be upset too OP. It would bother me because it's passive aggressive and an indicator that perhaps there may be some resentment, hurt ect going on. Wether that's to do with your sex life or something else, only you will know. Best of luck - talking it out is probably a good idea.

Original poster
Smorgasbored0000 · 05/02/2020 20:14

I’ve tried talking to him but he just says I don’t know. I can’t get him to understand why it’s hurt me so much.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2020 20:15

I don't do duty sex so DH would be pretty miffed if I didn't find him attractive, or vice versa, because then no ones getting laid.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/02/2020 20:19

I’d be bothered if my partner didn’t care if I found him attractive, yes. But I wouldn’t have taken that from what he said to you. He was being an arse but I don’t think he intended that he doesn’t care if you find him attractive at all, and if you honestly do, I think this is much deeper than this or even sex, it sounds like your relationship needs some real work.

Combined with the ignoring thing, it doesn’t look good.

lilyheather1 · 05/02/2020 20:23

OP if you can't articulate why you're so upset, how on Earth can you expect him to understand?

NotAPan · 05/02/2020 20:24

But isn't that because you don't really understand why you're so hurt? Poor bloke's got no chance of understanding your explanation if you don't know what you're explaining and aren't talking to him.

SirGawain · 05/02/2020 20:25

There’s a very big difference between saying someone looks hot and saying they look smarter.

BennytheBall · 05/02/2020 20:28

That was really mean of him.

Of course, he should care that you find him attractive. He's basically admitting he doesn't care about you.

My dh always asks me about his clothes. If I said I didn't like him in something he'd throw it out!

RedRedWines · 05/02/2020 20:31

YABU what will not talking to him achieve exactly? You've made a petty arguement out of nothing

Berrymuch · 05/02/2020 20:33

I would be upset if my partner found me unattractive, so I guess maybe I'd be bothered about them finding me attractive, I don't know. Is there a chance it's been taken out of context slightly? If my DH said to me I like that bodycon mini dress you look really hot in it, if I didn't want to wear it I would say I'm going to wear this instead; and then maybe a comment like well I don't just dress for you. Any chance he meant it just in the context of the suit? Ie I'm not going to be uncomfortable all night for the sake of that, rather than in general?

Mummyshark2018 · 05/02/2020 20:34

I would think this was a passive aggressive comment. I would want my dh to find me attractive, and I'm sure he would want me to feel the same towards him. Obviously this is not the most important part of a relationship but still important. You were giving him a compliment and he responded badly imo. I would think he was feeling insecure about his appearance or your relationship OR just having a bad moment!

NotAPan · 05/02/2020 20:34

I imagine the subtext is something like this;

DH: I don’t care whether you think I’m attractive in it. I’m only wearing it if it’s comfortable. I don't want to be in an uncomfortable outfit at the christening
Me: so you don’t care if I find you attractive ffs he doesn't care about my feelings any more
DH: Not really. Why does that matter? I am married to you, I love you no matter what you look like and I feel secure that you love me too. We are raising a child who is taking all of our energy right now, why the fuck are you wanting me to wear uncomfortable clothes just so you can perv on me? I'm sleep deprived, I couldn't give a shit if I look sexy right now
Me: surely you want your own wife to find you attractive? ffs he doesn't want to make any effort for me now he's got a ring on my finger and our child.
DH: why would that matter to me though whether you think I’m attractive?ffs I know she loves me and my ego isn't dependent on my looks, wtf is she on about?

Fluffyscamp · 05/02/2020 20:42

I don’t think he meant he doesn’t care if you fancy him in general OP, just that he’s more bothered about dressing appropriately for a christening and being comfortable at the same time than looking attractive.

If I was trying to figure out what to wear for a christening and asked DP for his opinion I’d be a bit miffed if his only consideration was whether I looked hot or not, it’s just not very helpful. It doesn’t mean I don’t care if he fancies me and actually I’d also be a bit offended if whether he fancied me or not was based on what I wear.

LettertoHermoine · 05/02/2020 20:43

Sounds like he is happy In his own skin and not dressing tompleasemyoumor for,you to find him attractive, fair fucks to him.

LettertoHermoine · 05/02/2020 20:43

Not dressing to please you..... cat on my lap

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 05/02/2020 20:47

I don't dress for any man I dress for myself and I wouldn't expect DH to dress in something because I thought it made him look attractive. I'd hope that he finds me attractive regardless of what I wear, in the same way I find him just as attractive in his pyjamas covered in baby vomit as I do when he's dressed up, maybe more so

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