DH doesn’t care if I fancy him

[Smorgasbored0000]

NC for this as I don’t want it linked with my other posts . . .

I don’t know why I’m upset about this but DH and I were having a conversation about what he would wear to an upcoming christening. I mentioned a particular suit he wears occasionally and told him he always looks really attractive when he wears it. Rest of conversation went as follows. .

DH: I don’t care whether you think I’m attractive in it. I’m only wearing it if it’s comfortable.
Me: so you don’t care if I think you’re attractive?
DH: Not really. Why does that matter?
Me: surely you want your own wife to find you attractive?
DH: why would that matter to me though whether you think I’m attractive?

And now I’m not talking to him.

I can’t articulate why this has annoyed and upset me so much. It’s almost as if he’s saying my opinion of him doesn’t matter (although I don’t think that’s what he actually means). He is quite well groomed, always tidy and smart, but I feel upset by his words. I can’t explain why though.

To avoid drip feeding, our sex life has taken a major nose dive since having DS 8 months ago. And now I feel like if he doesn’t even care whether I fancy him or not, why would I bother having sex with him?

Would you be bothered by this?

I'd be upset by this too for several reasons:

1. It makes it sound as though he doesn't care whether or not you want sex with him
2. By extension it implies that he doesn't want to have sex with you
3. By extension it implies he doesn't find you attractive/is bored of you etc.
4. Finally, it comes across as a general "I have no respect for your opinion".

All of which is particularly hurtful when you've recently had a baby and he should be focused on caring for you and his new family and building you up (knowing that you've had a life- and body-changing experience).

Hope that helps you sort through your own feelings!

That said, hopefully there's just a bit of miscommunication and he meant "why would it matter that you found me attractive in the context of a christening/the fact we have a small child whose demands are currently draining the will to live out of us"!!

It looks to me like you were having that conversation at cross purposes.

He seems to have interpreted your comments as an attempt to tell him how to dress and he's reacted how most adults do when somebody tries to interefere in their very personal decisions with emotional pressure.

Instead of explicitly acknowledging his autonomy to dress as he chooses (which might have created room for you to comment on the things he wears that you like) you focused on the attractiveness point.

I think you were trying to have a different conversation about togetherness and companionship and love and it's all got a bit lost.

I'm always with the person who in dressing themselves is thinking about themselves and what's appropriate clothing for the activity they're doing - your comments hit on the button that's normally a sexist one, where men comment on what women wear in public as if every woman when getting dressed is thinking about looking attractive to men in the street, which is rubbish.

I'd say your husband not caring whether you find him attractive is evidence of the strength of your relationship - you're together and love one another for who you are rather than what you look like.

Keep talking.

Going back to the original OP yes I would be bothered if my husband didn’t care if I was attracted to him.

Because what would be the point of staying married

AnyCreamWillDo

Yes you’ve articulated better than me.

Having said that I know what it’s like for sex to take a total nosedive when tiny children arrive on the scene. I was wondering if we’d ever recover and if we’d lost the spark, then trying to get it back subtly. DP remained oblivious and I was hurting and reading too much into everything.

If it makes you feel any better we hadn’t lost the spark, we were just both knackered and getting used to life revolving around a new tiny person. Eventually we talked about it a bit and things settled down, we got back to normalish (as normal as you can with small children who like to wake up at random times either frequently or occasionally) and we laugh about it now.

I would be really upset if my partner didn’t find me attractive, or didn’t care about me finding him attractive. I don’t however wear things because he likes them, just as he doesn’t wear things just because I like how they look on him. I want him to wear things he is comfy in, he feels the same about me.

Giving the silent treatment is childish and it won’t solve anything. I’m no angel, the silent treatment has tempted me many times, but I know it just makes any problems worse, whether as talking can start to fix them.

Wow, I think some people on here are being dicks! I don't think you were unreasonable in the least- totally get why you were upset.

I'd be annoyed too OP. Only people with low emotional intelligence would come back with a comment like that.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

people like you are pathetic

what a nasty thing to say. Not helpful. Good for you for being a model template for how to communicate with your partner. But telling us how great you are and how 'pathetic' OP is makes you sound like a knob.

OP - the whole sexual relationship with your partner changes so much after having a baby. It's no wonder how comments from your DH can be taken the wrong way and upset you, and what makes it worse is neither of you understanding exactly why. Hormones, loss of sex drive, delicate male ego, delicate female body image, its all pretty normal. Give yourselves a break, be kind to each other and try to relax and enjoy the Christening without overthinking too much

It’s his crass way of saying that since the sexual side of your relationship has taken a tumble it doesn’t matter whether or not you find him attractive. It’s immature. But it sounds as though you are both feeling insecure. Now is the time to start talking, not stop.