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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being p**d that my husband wants to relocate to live near his family after he made me leave mine?

64 replies

ILoveCakeLots · 05/02/2020 12:22

Sorry for the incredibly long moan!

Years ago I met my OH, we didn’t live close but after a while he voluntarily moved with work to near me and we bought a house etc. My OH was later made redundant and spent a lot of time out of work. He eventually found work but he was never happy and he announced we had to move near London or he would leave me

This devastated me as I didn’t want to loose my OH but I didn’t want to leave my elderly parents who lived nearby (they had few friends, limited family and I am their only child). I’d always lived near them and we spoke every day and I saw them most weeks, sometimes more

My husband argued that it would only be a 1hr30 min drive so I would see him very regularly.

I discussed it with work and they agreed to relocate me so I reluctantly agreed and we moved. My OH knew I wasn’t happy.

Move on 3 years my parents have nothing died and we now have DD.
We are now look at moving to get a house with a garden near good schools for a limited budget so London isn’t feasible and my OH has said we should move up where his family live so DD can have cousins etc nearby

I tried not to resent my husband for forcing me to move away from my parents in their last years but this has triggered so much anger and resentment

Practically job prospects would be limited for me and OH and we would probably end up with a very big commute every day.
My OH believes his family will help but they all have jobs and families as well.
I know no one up there other than his family so I would be incredibly isolated and I’m scared my resentment of missing the last years of my parents life would be exacerbated playing happy families with his family
The only advantage is house prices and size

I’ve suggested a compromise where we move to one of the bigger cities close by (similar to the 1hr 30 my husband said was fine to live from my parents) but for him it’s only where his family are

I feel that he is a hypocrite having made me leave my family

I’m also concerned that even if we did move to be near his family in a few years he would be restless as he has always loved London and can never settle anywhere for long (which isn’t an option as DD will soon need schools)

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:
ChipotleBlessing · 05/02/2020 12:24

I feel so angry with him reading that message. Definitely do not move anywhere with him where you would be isolated with limited career prospects, because he sounds like an absolute asshole who you may want to leave at some point.

foodandwine89 · 05/02/2020 12:31

YANBU it’s all about him isn’t it?

yogo · 05/02/2020 12:34

He sounds really selfish.

Are your happy with him? You don't have to move with him.

Thelnebriati · 05/02/2020 12:35

He forced you to choose between him and his parents, he sounds controlling and at the same time unreliable.
Thats a very bad combination.

I think you should stop, take some time out, and decide what you want to do;
for yourself, and for your career.
then for your children,
then for your parents.

maddening · 05/02/2020 12:37

Yanbu tell him if he does that then he does it on his own, you want to stay where you have work and quite frankly his family are not your priority.

Thehop · 05/02/2020 12:37

I would only move where you could be successful on your own right. And the place you were least dependent on him and his family.

Batqueen · 05/02/2020 12:38

Have you discussed these emotions with him OP? How does he react if so?

QuizzlyBear · 05/02/2020 12:38

I'd tell him he's welcome to move close to his folks, but he'll be doing it alone. If he complains about the ultimatum then just remind him it's the same one he offered you.

Bibijayne · 05/02/2020 12:39

Hell no. Make it clear this option isn't okay. That you need to live near work and good schools. That you have already compromised for him. It is his turn to compromise for you. Have you considered LTB if he digs his heels in?

Motoko · 05/02/2020 12:43

Time to put your foot down now OP. What compromises has he made for you over the years? Time to think about what's best for you and Dd now, and moving to be near his family doesn't sound like a very good idea, just on the jobs front.

Annasgirl · 05/02/2020 12:43

Hi OP, I think you should move this to relationships, You are NOT being unreasonable and you should not move.

So sorry to hear about your parents - I lost both of mine in the last few years and it is so tough. Also sorry your DH seems to have no empathy for you.

VettiyaIruken · 05/02/2020 12:45

Tell him what a total hypocrite he is!

DonnaDarko · 05/02/2020 12:45

I'm so angry on your behalf. I would never have moved in the first place.

He likes ultimatums, so give him one. Please don't back down, he sounds so selfish and controlling

JRUIN · 05/02/2020 12:49

It's awful that your husband blackmailed you into moving away from your parents OP. A man giving me an ultimatum like that would have been enough for me to tell him to go fuck himself. As someone who has recently lost her mum, but was lucky enough to live just down the road from her, I feel so sad for you that, thanks to your husband, you missed out on regular contact with your parents before they died and would urge you not to move again unless it's somewhere YOU truly want to move to. Your wants and needs are just as important as his, never forget that Flowers

SonjaMorgan · 05/02/2020 12:50

Put your foot down and work out what is best for you and your DC. You don't sound crazy on staying in London, start looking at areas with the best job prospects, schools and quality of life. Then you can tell him that logically moving near to his family just because it is what he wants makes no sense.

PinkiOcelot · 05/02/2020 12:51

He sounds like a controlling selfish arse hole. I would be giving him the same ultimatum he gave you.
Is he controlling in other areas?

Original poster
ILoveCakeLots · 05/02/2020 12:51

Thanks so much for replies. New to mumsnet so had to check what LTB meant Smile
I did try to speak to him but he says I’m the selfish one and that he only has DC at heart as shes an only child so family / cousins would be good and to a certain extent I actually get that
I don’t have many friends and no siblings so cant suggest moving anywhere else to give DD family.
I cant afford to carry on living where we are if I want to give DD the life I want (garden / good school) so im up for moving just not into the pocket of his family / somewhere where I would have a massive pay cut and / or a huge commute as I want some time with DD in the week
I will try to move to relationships as suggested, thanks again everyone, at least I feel less unreasonable

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 05/02/2020 12:54

I know this is a difficult thing to do in the face of his unreasonable behaviour ... but your husband did not "force" or "make" you do anything. Yes, they were shit choices; but they were yours to make, and you made them. You chose to stay with a man who was probably not worth staying with in the first place.

So now, you get to choose again. Are you going to choose differently this time? It's time to accept full responsibility for your decision.

Batqueen · 05/02/2020 12:57

You aren’t selfish to want your own needs considered too. He is trying to make you feel like a bad mother to get his own way yet again.

MyOwnSummer · 05/02/2020 13:14

He's a selfish arse.

What is your budget for the house? There are still some areas with pockets of cheaper houses that might meet your criteria.

PrayingandHoping · 05/02/2020 13:18

Tell him that being near family is great but you aren't willing to have a massive commute everyday! Time with you is more important to your child than time with cousins and other family!

Whynosnowyet · 05/02/2020 13:19

Lots of threads on here about promises of family support...
None given in the end.
More like your dh wants his social life back and is giving zero fucks about you.
As usual it seems.
Tell him he is welcome to move but you won't be going.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 05/02/2020 13:24

My best friend's husband wanted to move closer to his family a few years back - he has a lot of siblings all living in one rural, isolated area and was desperate to be near them. So she did as he wanted. She has found a job she likes there but other than that she has no friends, she hardly ever sees his family and he's really not bothered about being in the area. It drives me nuts, because she used to live around the corner and I'd see her a few times a week. Now it's a few times a year. So pointless.

Don't give into this. You'll regret it.

Lockheart · 05/02/2020 13:31

I don't think either of you are BU actually. The move three years ago was before you had a child.

Having a child will have hugely changed your needs and dynamic as a family and I don't think he's BU to reconsider and want to move close to his family so that your daughter can grow up with her cousins nearby etc.

YANBU to not want to move but I don't think he's a bad person for wanting to reconsider.

If you have no other siblings or family ties then is there any practical reason why you can't live near his family?

Stephminx · 05/02/2020 13:32

I agree with @AFistfulofDolores1.

You made your choice.

In terms of what to do now, refusing to move near his family for the sake of it / to get back at him is unreasonable.

To refuse based on lack of job prospects and other reasonable factors is sensible.

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