AIBU for being p**d that my husband wants to relocate to live near his family after he made me leave mine?

[ILoveCakeLots]

Sorry for the incredibly long moan!

Years ago I met my OH, we didn’t live close but after a while he voluntarily moved with work to near me and we bought a house etc. My OH was later made redundant and spent a lot of time out of work. He eventually found work but he was never happy and he announced we had to move near London or he would leave me

This devastated me as I didn’t want to loose my OH but I didn’t want to leave my elderly parents who lived nearby (they had few friends, limited family and I am their only child). I’d always lived near them and we spoke every day and I saw them most weeks, sometimes more

My husband argued that it would only be a 1hr30 min drive so I would see him very regularly.

I discussed it with work and they agreed to relocate me so I reluctantly agreed and we moved. My OH knew I wasn’t happy.

Move on 3 years my parents have nothing died and we now have DD.
We are now look at moving to get a house with a garden near good schools for a limited budget so London isn’t feasible and my OH has said we should move up where his family live so DD can have cousins etc nearby

I tried not to resent my husband for forcing me to move away from my parents in their last years but this has triggered so much anger and resentment

Practically job prospects would be limited for me and OH and we would probably end up with a very big commute every day.
My OH believes his family will help but they all have jobs and families as well.
I know no one up there other than his family so I would be incredibly isolated and I’m scared my resentment of missing the last years of my parents life would be exacerbated playing happy families with his family
The only advantage is house prices and size

I’ve suggested a compromise where we move to one of the bigger cities close by (similar to the 1hr 30 my husband said was fine to live from my parents) but for him it’s only where his family are

I feel that he is a hypocrite having made me leave my family

I’m also concerned that even if we did move to be near his family in a few years he would be restless as he has always loved London and can never settle anywhere for long (which isn’t an option as DD will soon need schools)

AIBU to refuse?

I'd think about where you would want to be with your DC if you were no longer with your partner. I assume it wouldn't be to where his family is. If you are really wanting to go to one of the nearby cities, then I would definitely push for it. He is being really unreasonable. He can't force you to go, you'll have to me firm. It was really unfair what he did before.

Separate out your reasons why you don't want to go - while I agree he's been a hypocrite and his original ultimatum was incredibly unreasonable, the time to deal with that was then. What he is wanting now does make at least some sense, and though I agree it's not fair he always manages to get his way, if you make that the core reason you refuse to move now, he gets to look like the bigger person. Your other points about commute, prospects, isolation etc are easier to justify. If he won't even consider them, then I would consider leaving, honestly.

I’m the selfish one I hope you pointed out to him that moving away from your parents when you didn't want to is not the act of a selfish person.

I agree with PPs who say you should only move anywhere if it is the best thing for all of you or a balance of the best options. No point moving near his family, resenting it, splitting up and then being even more isolated.

Nope, don’t do it. I moved when my DD was a baby to where my partner is from. I was fucking miserable for years until eventually quite recently I moved home to where my family is from, and left him behind. The door is open for a limited time if he decides to follow.

Yanbu, as other pp have said it's all on his terms. you've compromised in the past to meet his needs and wants and now it's his turn to return the favour. It's easy to say give him the same ultimatum he gave you last time but I know it's harder in reality.
I would think long and hard about what you want for your future and what would be best for DC. If in-laws are working/ busy with their own lives they are unlikely to be able to offer childcare, yes you may see them more frequently but that's about it .
A bigger house is obviously nice but not essential and if the move will damage your career and job prospects I'd think very seriously before you move otherwise you will end up being resentful and financially dependent which is a recipe for disaster. I think you need to talk to him openly and calmly about how you feel, has he ever acknowledged the sacrifice you made when you last relocated ?

He sounds terrible. I don’t think it’s fair on you at all.

I would never move anywhere on the promise of family help.

he only has DC at heart as shes an only child so family / cousins would be good and to a certain extent I actually get that

Not necessarily a big deal.
My DD was an only child and all other family lived at least 1 1/2 away. So what? She/we had friends locally and we could have visits to family and have them stay here so she still had a relationship with them.

Please don’t move for him again. He sounds like an incredibly selfish man.

I feel so angry with him reading that message. Definitely do not move anywhere with him where you would be isolated with limited career prospects, because he sounds like an absolute asshole who you may want to leave at some point.

Nailed in the first reply.

DD can still have close relationships with her cousins living an hour and a half away. The majority of my cousins lived a couple of hours away, so we mostly met up during the holidays, but one of my cousins was more like a sister, we were very close.

Thanks for the support, even those that agreed with OH to a beta in extent. It has helped me feel much stronger about what I’m going to say

As some of you have suggested I can’t help thinking that if we move he won’t see family much as they are all busy and have their own lives. When he’s bored of early starts and hours of commuting on top of his day job, and never seeing DD because of this, I think he will want to move somewhere more interesting with better job prospects. Unfortunately by then it will be too late as DD will be settled in a school.

I’m going to use job prospects and commute as the basis of my “argument” and will try to keep the emotional side out of it. If he still won’t budge then I will have to be firm and stand my ground and see what happens!

I also agree with @AFistfulofDolores1

You chose before. You might not have liked the choices but you chose to suit yourself. You can choose to suit yourself this time too.

How long were you both living near your parents before you relocated.

No wonder you’re angry and resentful- your husband is refusing to compromise at all and isn’t treating you like a partner who is equal to him.

We live 2h30 from parents and family. There are some extended family in our city, but we rarely see them and they are no practical help. DD is an only DC, DH and I work very long hours and have international travel as part of work too.

We just got used to juggling it, paying for decent childcare (creche, afterschool club etc) and paying for babysitters if we were going out. We had an au pair for 4 years when DH was away 2 weeks out of 4 (to cover mornings getting to school daily and late afternoon pickups twice a week), but otherwise juggled it between ourselves, including whenever DD was sick etc.

I think you need to make sure that your choice is made taking into account not just the potential assistance from extended family (and you say they work etc so it may be a lot less than DH expects), but also your and DH's prospects for work, commuting times, decent schools, housing affordability etc. Not just 1 aspect but the entire package.

I don’t think the two situations are equivalent.
You both moved to or closer to London because he could not find work in the area where your parents lived. That’s a necessity- to have a job to pay to live.

Now you both want a home with a garden but cannot find it within your budget in/near London, so to get what you want you have to move further out. This is a want not a need. But it’s something you both want.

However, what is wrong with combining this moving out of London with doing it in the general direction of where his family is?

I understand your anger over the situation that caused you to move away from your parents but the alternative would have been an unemployed DH on the dole for however many years. You’d never have been able to afford children or gotten to the point where you are able to buy a house with a garden!

I think your anger is a bit misplaced, he didn’t force you to move, the lack of work forced both of you to move. With this upcoming move, forcing it to exclude where his parents live as a tit for tat is not reasonable imho.

Life is unfair. I had to move for work and when I finally got a transfer closer to my aging mum, she died the same week we were moving there. So we arrived three days too late. It’s a lot of grief and anger at life, the situation, you think did I make the right choice?

Yours is similar, it was the lack of work that caused the move away from your parents. Not your DH forcing you for unknown selfish reasons.

I agree that it is the whole package of the new location that matters most. The place where his parents are will have pluses and minuses like every other location. They’re a plus. But if there is no work for you, that’s a minus. If the schools are not so good or don’t feed into Russell Trust Group unis, that’s a minus. If the commute time and traffic is horrible that’s a minus. The place may not be a good move, somewhere else may be a better move. Too it’s easier to drive 1hr30min once a week to visit parents than it is to travel that 5x a week to work!

I think you are doing right thing by leaving emotion out of it. The whole situation is probably dredging up mounds of anger, grief, regret, guilt....which you need to be kinder to yourself and your DH about. You both have to work to eat after all...

He needs to understand that like before you should move to the best place for your immediate family (him, you and DCs). If extended family happen to be there of close, then that is a bonus. But I would not move there if there is a better location that ticks all the boxes of property value for money, good schools, good career prospects for both of you, reasonable commute times for both of you, etc etc.

*he announced we had to move near London or he would leave me
**
*This devastated me

This didn't really bode well from the start, did it?

I did try to speak to him but he says I’m the selfish one

On top of the controlling, he's now gaslighting you - he sounds self-centred and emotionally abusive.

I second the PP who suggested considering where you would want to live with the DCs if you weren't with him.

You know, just in case you get tired of being manipulated and decide he's not actually worth all these sacrifices.

Agree with the first reply.

He sounds horrible.

I was about to post exactly what AFistful said.
He did not force you, he gave you an ultimatum but essentially you made that choice.
And right now, he isnt forcing you. He is telling you what he wants, just as you have the right to decide what you want.

@PlanDeRaccordement
Sorry to hear of your loss but I think the circumstances were different as the reason my husband made us move were not due to lack of jobs.

We were 20mins from a major city, he only didn’t get work initially because of the time of year/economic issues. Once the market picked up / he got his head into a better place he did get offers and took a job earning more than he does now in London and it was without all the other costs of London life so our quality of life was way better than it is now.

His desire to move back to London wasn’t really due to lack of work he just wasn’t “happy” which I believe was triggered by being made redundant (but he refused to seek help) and partly because he realised he doesn’t like small towns (ironic because that’s where he wants to go back to)/ he is always drawn to London

I have suggested moving closer to his family but as I said originally it’s all or nothing for him.
He seems to overlook the fact that where he wants to live is a small town and would limit both of our job prospects much more than where we were originally. Our salaries would also be much less and our commutes much longer.

I need to make sure if we move then this time it’s for the benefit of all of us (me, him and DD) not just his current desire to be near family

@PlanDeRaccordement I will definitely focus on on places with the whole package. Thanks for the very sensible advice

Threatening to leave you if you don’t do what he wants is coercion and it’s both abusive and illegal. You should have left him there and then tbh. Nobody should put their partner in a position where they’re forced to choose between their parents and partner, it’s just not fair.

You have every right to be angry. He already massively uprooted you once to suit him and now he’s trying to do it again. Put your foot down and say no, if you move it should be to an area you both agree on.

Look after your own earning potential and financial independence. Do not move for this selfish prick.