AIBU for being p**d that my husband wants to relocate to live near his family after he made me leave mine?

[ILoveCakeLots]

Sorry for the incredibly long moan!

Years ago I met my OH, we didn’t live close but after a while he voluntarily moved with work to near me and we bought a house etc. My OH was later made redundant and spent a lot of time out of work. He eventually found work but he was never happy and he announced we had to move near London or he would leave me

This devastated me as I didn’t want to loose my OH but I didn’t want to leave my elderly parents who lived nearby (they had few friends, limited family and I am their only child). I’d always lived near them and we spoke every day and I saw them most weeks, sometimes more

My husband argued that it would only be a 1hr30 min drive so I would see him very regularly.

I discussed it with work and they agreed to relocate me so I reluctantly agreed and we moved. My OH knew I wasn’t happy.

Move on 3 years my parents have nothing died and we now have DD.
We are now look at moving to get a house with a garden near good schools for a limited budget so London isn’t feasible and my OH has said we should move up where his family live so DD can have cousins etc nearby

I tried not to resent my husband for forcing me to move away from my parents in their last years but this has triggered so much anger and resentment

Practically job prospects would be limited for me and OH and we would probably end up with a very big commute every day.
My OH believes his family will help but they all have jobs and families as well.
I know no one up there other than his family so I would be incredibly isolated and I’m scared my resentment of missing the last years of my parents life would be exacerbated playing happy families with his family
The only advantage is house prices and size

I’ve suggested a compromise where we move to one of the bigger cities close by (similar to the 1hr 30 my husband said was fine to live from my parents) but for him it’s only where his family are

I feel that he is a hypocrite having made me leave my family

I’m also concerned that even if we did move to be near his family in a few years he would be restless as he has always loved London and can never settle anywhere for long (which isn’t an option as DD will soon need schools)

AIBU to refuse?

He does not sound like a good partner in coercing you to move where you did not want to. He seems quite childish in his motivations and his behaviours. You may be able to manage him if you keep the debate very calm, point out inconsistencies and distortions, have all your research done so you are dealing with facts rather than feelings. The bottom line is you have DD now and decisions should be made with her well being in mind. In saying that, I don't mean 'the cousins'.
A bit of judicious networking at the school gate can produce many play dates, and possible friends.

It would be very foolish to move to somewhere that you would be isolated and have limited job opportunities.

Unless you are planning to move so close that DD is going to be in the same actual school as her cousins, there won't be much difference between being 15 minutes away or an hour away - when there are family get-togethers the journey to and fro will be the least consideration. So look for somewhere within 60-90 minutes drive of where OH's family are, where there career opportunities for both of you, decent schools for DD and opportunities you can use to expand your social network and make friends (clubs and hobbies you can do etc)

It may be that your relationship with OH may not be till death do you part, so it would be wise to keep one eye on ensuring that you can be self sufficient if that's what is needed.

I'd tell him he's welcome to move close to his folks, but he'll be doing it alone. If he complains about the ultimatum then just remind him it's the same one he offered you.

When you have lost both of your own parents it can make you feel resentful of any time you have to spend with PILs. Not logical, but it happens. Can't have mine, don't want yours. Having them in effect forced on you increases that feeling.
Ask him if he would want to move to smalltown if his family were not there, what are the other positives? Because people let you down, or are not available, or die. And it would be a shame to go through the move on the promise of a weekly sunday lunch that never happens.

His new plan makes no sense based on your update re job prospects and his dislike of living in small towns.
I agree with a pp that more time with her parents would benefit your child the most (more than being physically closer to cousins, having a garden etc).
If you live in London she will grow up with the world at her feet in terms of opportunities and you will always be about to cash in your property and move further out.
Nothing about his plan would appeal to me.
If your relationship ends at some point you will really regret moving for him again and you will be stuck there until your child is grow because of shared custody.

No way would I move. Be where your support system is OP, not his.

Do you need to move? Have you researched your local schools - chances are that they’re fine. No one needs a garden. Not really. (I bet you have a local park). I think I’d stay put unless the disruption of moving is absolutely essential. Definitely don’t move anywhere that involves a significant commute. Childcare is tricky enough for primary aged children without having to juggle it around a long commute (holiday childcare is usually limited to 8am to 6pm - if you can’t fit work + commute into this timeframe, then it isn’t going to work - trust me on this).

I'm curious, how often does he visit his family? How often does he speak to them?
Are the cousins a similar age? X

Yeah, how often does he speak to his siblings? Is he particularly close to any of them? Because if he doesn't speak to them regularly (weekly), then it's not going to be any different if you're living nearby.

Is he the kind of person who is always unhappy where he is but thinks that everything will sort itself out if you move to another area and start again? He sounds like my Ex who always thinks his unhappiness will disappear if only we move to the promised land. The promised land is never the promised land when we do move there and he sets his heart on a new place...which again disappoints.

If he is like that, more than anything you need to protect your job and earning power because you may need to rely on them to be independent in the future.

He speaks to his family via a WhatsApp group but other than that not all that often

I think @Booboostwo has hit the nail on the head. Have we married the same man ?

As I said I can’t afford to stay in London and give DD the life I want so I’m investigating options for jobs, housing and schools in the place his family lives v nearby cities. The nearby cities win hands down for me so I hope having “evidence” will help sway him

Don’t do it. In similar shoes, I moved nearer his family and I rarely see mine as a result and when I do his family moan about it. you’ll regret it OP, I know I do.

Based on how little they speak I wouldn't be moving closer to them.

I think you & your daughter should move to wherever the heck you like & he can f*ck off!! What a dick.