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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so sad about all these people not coming to our wedding?

94 replies

ConkerGame · 05/02/2020 08:48

DP and I are getting married this summer. In the last three weeks we have had three couples we are close to (my bridesmaid, DP’s usher and a couple we were going to ask to do a reading) all tell us that they won’t be able to make the wedding as they are pregnant and their due date is within 2 weeks of the wedding.

I’m obviously not at all angry or annoyed with them for not coming in the circumstances (it’s a long way for any of them to travel so I don’t think it would be realistic for any of them to come even if they wanted to), but I’m feeling really really down about having them all missing on the day Sad I think having 3 in a row hasn’t helped and I’m now feeling really anxious about “well, who’s next?!”

I guess it’s partly to be expected as we’re 33 so lots of people get pregnant around this time, but I thought we’d end up with a few pregnant people and a few newborns there, not that we’d have 6 of our closest friends miss it! Are we abnormally unlucky with this?

Can anyone convince me that we will still have a fabulous day even with all these people missing? People always say “it doesn’t matter what happens/goes wrong on the day as long as you have all your loved ones with you” - but now we won’t have that Sad and I don’t seem to be able to get back any enthusiasm for the day.

Any words of wisdom greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
incognitomum · 05/02/2020 09:27

Could you have a party with them a few months after and wear your dress?

crustycrab · 05/02/2020 09:28

Ah the baby at the hen do thread! But your wedding is at the end of October isn't it? If they've told you in the last three weeks then they must have all told you as soon as they conceived Confused

There's a lot of babies in your circle including baby at the hen do friend. What happened with that?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 09:29

I just caught up on the hen do thread and you said your BM would have a 7 week old baby by then. When is the wedding?

SnuggyBuggy · 05/02/2020 09:39

Off topic but I'm not convinced everyone follows those rules on car seats religiously.

ScrambledSmegs · 05/02/2020 09:40

Have you changed the date of your wedding? Hen thread says it's in October Confused

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 09:40

@SnuggyBuggy that's up to them but 5 hours is a long time for any child. You definitely couldn't do it with a newborn. And I would never want any friend of mine to feel pressured into doing so.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/02/2020 09:42

Yeah but if you live 45 minutes from the hospital you give birth in surely you just want to get home.

Butterymuffin · 05/02/2020 09:45

Pure bad luck. And the unavoidable swings and roundabouts of locating it to cater to one set of guests but then it being harder for others. Never mind.
Can you arrange a get together with them pre babies? Take photos and add those to the wedding album as the 'alternative' wedding get together?

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 05/02/2020 09:47

Sadly with all these weddings miles away these days it all becomes about the venue.

Not always. A lot of people had to travel for our wedding because they had moved away and I still live where I grew up and got married there. I wasn't getting married somewhere else to accommodate the guests!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 09:48

@SnuggyBuggy maybe, if you care more about getting home than your child's ability to breathe

There'd be no harm in pulling over and getting the baby out for a little while before carrying on your journey

Selfsettling3 · 05/02/2020 09:50

SnuggyBuggy your right not everyone follows advice for their babies eg car seat, rooming in, no cot bumpers but just like adults with healthy eating, exercise and getting enough sleep we are decide which risks we are willing or no willing to take.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/02/2020 09:50

Personally I’d be fine driving 5 hours for my best mates wedding with a newborn. So long as u had a couple of stop-offs it’d be fine - baby would probably be asleep anyway. I think maybe they are just thinking of worst case scenario in case they’re feeling rough from lack of sleep/go over their due date etc. and aren’t near their chosen hospital. It’s a risk.
I can understand you’re upset though - it’s really unfortunate it’s fallen this way. I was supposed to be maid of honour for my bf years ago and had to swap roles halfway through as I then got pregnant and was due a few days before the wedding! I felt really guilty but the wedding was only about an hour away and I still attended (ready to burst!) and did a reading. I was so glad I could at least attend, I went a few days over and I think keeping my fingers (and legs!) crossed helped!
You will still have a lovely day, honestly - there’s nothing you can do so just focus on the people that are coming. The day is about you and your husband to be.

Berrymuch · 05/02/2020 09:53

Sorry to hear this OP, I think it's mainly just unfortunate timing but can't be helped. The distance isn't really feasible with a newborn, I would try not to take it personally although I know it's bound to be dissapointing. Not quite the same, but my friend got married abroad (it was really important to them to be near family, and she understood it unfortunately meant a lot of us would not be able to attend). Those of us who couldn't attend arranged a really nice lunch for when she was back to celebrate, close to home, it didn't cost loads but it was nice to celebrate just us, and although it wasn't the same as being at the wedding, perhaps you could all do something closer to home?

LisBethSalander07 · 05/02/2020 09:54

There is no way I'd want to take that journey heavily pregnant or with a newborn as you'd be massively at risk from a blood clot.

I'd arrange a party at home a few weeks after the wedding so everyone can get together and look at your photos - and that way they can also show off their new babies. Make it a positive and something to look forward to after the big day.

Handsnotwands · 05/02/2020 09:55

get a laptop set up and get them to use Zoom to "be" at the ceremony?

TeacupDrama · 05/02/2020 09:56

Just curious what has changed about car seats this wasn't a thing ten years ago when DD was born, we traveled with her when under 6 weeks and would do 2 hour stretches as she slept. I have never read anywhere about anything adverse happening to baby in car seats. Apart from being left in cars.

Urkiddingright · 05/02/2020 09:58

Your day will undoubtedly be fine without them, I’m sure. It is shit but it’s a risk you take when you book a wedding hours away from where you and most of the guests actually live.

EstebanTheMagnificent · 05/02/2020 10:00

That is bad luck, OP. Give yourself a few days to feel a bit sad.

Berrymuch · 05/02/2020 10:05

@TeacupDrama it's the advice that has changed based on more research rather than the seats themselves, it's precautionary- 30 mins with a newborn and 2 hours max for all babies. The way they are positioned in the carseat can restrict the airways. Thankfully it's to lower the risk and isn't implying that if you travel for longer than something bad will definitely happen. It's why when people clip the car seat to a travel system and walk around for hours before popping the seat back in the car it's not good.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/02/2020 10:07

Many of my more distant family couldn’t make it to my wedding as we several hours away. All our friends live close to us. DH is from another country and his family couldn’t travel due to age and visas.

So we had 3 parties.
One where we live after the wedding ceremony - we paid
One a couple of weeks later where my family are - my parents paid
and
One when we visited DH’s home country- DH’s family paid

Have a celebration with your friends when you get back and they are out of the newborn fog.

Summergarden · 05/02/2020 10:09

Feel for you OP, I’d feel disappointed too.

Having had 3 newborns though (2 out of the 3 who were very unsettled in the first few months and would almost certainly have spent most of the 5 hour journey screaming) and all 3 tough births I wouldn’t have managed it either.

The PP who suggested asking them to do a pre recorded voice message or even write a letter- this is a great idea.

Our wedding was 12 years ago and honestly I don’t remember spending much time with my friends, even though it was a fairly small wedding. As long as the groom and your closest family are there, that’s the main thing. In truth I remember more about the honeymoon which we spent a lot more on!

Cam77 · 05/02/2020 10:13

Just go through with it anyway. I had loads of people absent for my wedding. If it’s not one thing it’ll be another. Just enjoy the day and spending time with the people who can make it. I think people make far too much of weddings. It’s one day of eating drinking chatting and (hopefully) some lovely photos, then it’s done and you’ve got a lifetime ahead of you.

sunshinesupermum · 05/02/2020 10:15

Re small babies in cars - are carry cots no longer allowed? You can tell its a long time since I had babies!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 10:16

@sunshinesupermum no - there's no way of securing them properly and safely and doesn't restrain baby

sunshinesupermum · 05/02/2020 10:22

Ah thanks. Still amazed at how much things change!

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