AIBU to expect head to give children time off?

[Apuddimgisneverenough]

In a nutshell DC’s grand father is dying - weeks left to live maybe 3 months max
We have asked school for several (separate 4 in total) days off to do a ‘bucket list’ type thing with the children. It has to be on school days as his careers (who will accompany) are only with him set days. School have declined our request. Dc1 has 100% attendance and has for 3 years dc2 had 2 weeks off prior to Xmas with a nasty infection (requiring hospital treatment)
School are saying that due to dc2 and the time off the attendance will fall below 95% so will not allow them authorised absence
AIBU to tell them to fuck right off and those them out anyway ? I’m not too fussed about fines etc but DC2 is worried about “getting into trouble” neither are sitting exams or SATS so I really cannot see what difference it makes
I’ve always been a firm believer in backing school 100% but I am really struggling to se how I can in such circumstances

Keep them off. In years to come they will have memories of their grandfather and a few days of missed school will be irrelevant and isn't going to affect their future. However as the school cannot authorize it, there may be consequences you'll have to deal with but obviously it will be worth it.

Think about the message you are giving your children? Think about the adults you would like them to grow into and make your decision

Would you like them to prioritise loved ones or a bloody mark on a bit of paper?

Would you like them to see personal relationships as a priority or arbitrary rules?

Would you like them to feel able to make choices based on care and compassion rather than constrained by external conformity?

Think you can probably guess what side I would come down on but it is really up to you. Just remember you may want to see your Grand children a few times in your last couple of weeks and what decision would you like your children to make then. Stay at work/school or come and see you.

No brainer in my opinion.

Keep them off, it’s more important than school

Can you do it in Feb half term?

I was given this advice before my now 13yo started school. Never ask school for permission to take any time off. Send a letter stating the plans, be it a family wedding or graduation. Say you are not asking for permission just simply letting them know as a courtesy.
On the 2 occasions i have done this i was sent a reply stating while they could not authorise the absence they hoped we had a lovely time.
I think this would work for the majority of people whose kids dont need a lot of time off.
I say send a reply saying that while you respect the position of the school and the rules they must follow that your family must come first and the kids wont be in.

Boomdog101
That's a really good approach.

Sadly, the school and state think that they own us!

Resisting authority is hard and it feels weird but is needed sometimes. Talk about Robin Hood or Anne Frank!

Anne Frank? In the context of taking an unauthorised day off school? Really???

the school don't have any control or authority to stop you. you are personally responsible for your child's education and you make the decisions. you have the responsibility to ensure your child is educated, either via regular school attendance or otherwise. Regular is defined as "in accordance with the rules" rather than eg every other Tuesday regularly.

The only decision the school has is whether to mark the child as an authorised absence or an unauthorised absence. even then it's not much of a decision as they legally can't authorise 99% of perfectly reasonable requests.

you just have to bite the bullet and go for it. you are unlikely to be fined or prosecuted as it won't be part of a pattern of unreasonable absences. the worst that would happen would be a fine, and you can't put a price on those precious moments of joy so just set aside some money in case of a fine and go ahead.

Just call in sick on those days for them.

You decide what your children do. Just get on with it.

Boomdog’s approach is right. My kids are adults now so no longer have to deal with schools. But when we did we made the decisions and told the school what we were doing. Sometimes things got authorised and sometimes things didn’t - but it never made any difference.

I think it’s good for kids to know what rules are negotiable and how to do it and which ones aren’t.

My dc's absence was not authorised to attend their grandmother's funeral and even after notifying the school they would be off that day they contacted me, on the way to the funeral to ask why they were not in school...

Take the days off for your dcs.

4 years on and i am still finding out just how much my siblings death affected my school age kids.

Take the days. The kids will need to feel loved and secure. No way do the powers that be go home and worry about your dilemma. Yours is one of many. They go home and dont give a shit. In a years time, no one will even remember your names.

If it is right for your family; then do it.

❤

I think alot of this depends on the attitude of the Head as well as the legalities of the absence policy.

A couple of years ago I needed to take my DD - who was under 7 at the time - out of school for the last couple of days of term. Our head handed me a letter in the playground one morning and said she was sorry that was the policy - but then turned to my DD and said have a great holiday. So she had stuck with the rigid policy and listed as unauthorised - but had made sure DD felt that it was ok for her to do what was needed. Oh how we miss that Head...

If you're going to do it, do it.

Don't call in sick, that's just plain cowardly.

OP - Could you please say why at least some of the events can't take place in the half term? Of course it is important for the DCs to spend time with their GF but if I could I would fit things into weekends (with alternative carer), or into the school holdiays.

Unfortunately, that's not necessarily the case. No-one really knows how a terminally ill person is other than that person themselves, and no-one knows what course a terminal illness will take. A dear friend of ours had all sorts of ambitious plans for his bucket list, but when it came to it he just didn't feel up to it and wanted to rest Well the OP knows a hell of a lot more than the rest of us, no point going on about the terminally ill person might not want to do it, that isn't what she is asking about.

Just tell the dc you have sorted it with the Head. Then take them out anyway.

Another thing to consider is that sometimes school is the place that feels safest/comforting to a child when home feels a bit unusual. And home, with a parent losing their parent is probably going to be a bit sad for a while however much you're trying to keep things the way they normally are.

Disrupting their routine for four days might be hard for them, depending on them and how they react to life. Not saying it's wrong to want to take time to spend with a terminally ill grandparent whilst they're relatively well, or that there would be adverse learning consequences or anything like that, just the loss of routine might be harder for them than simply being happy about spending time with their grandparent/getting a day off school.

Stuff the school could and should help with - what's coming up on the curriculum about illness? do they do things like make cards for grandparents' day or have events grandparents are encouraged to attend? Are there any deaths routinely marked in school? All of these sorts of things may prove really difficult for your children for some time after he's died and need sensitive handling. Cruse have information packs for schools, which are worth considering, though they're usually aimed at supporting children who have lost a parent.

Sadly, the school and state think that they own us!

Oh behave.

FamilyOfAliens - I am behaving thanks.

Just because someone has a different opinion to you and thinks differently...typical of Mumsnet!

I was in the same situation as the children when I was about 13. My grandad had lived with us since I was 10 and was diagnosed with aggressive and progressed cancer in November 2007 and was given a date for surgery on 18th December and would be in hospital over Xmas. Due his age, weight and the type of cancer it was possible he wouldn't survive the surgery (one surgeon had already refused the surgery).

My mum immediately informed the school that we were having an early Xmas and would therefore be needing a few days off before the school Xmas holiday which they granted however I'm certain my mum would've taken us out if school anyway.

As I was one of those children I can't stress how important that holiday was to have (it was also the last holiday with a beloved pet that we lost the same day as the surgery). Had it been his last Xmas and we not had it it would've made his passing harder and probably made me resent the school a little. I don't think 4 days is too much to ask over the next few months and if you're willing the take any consequences (just reassure your child that it's your fault, not theirs) than do it, I don't think you'll regret it.

When did parents start to believe that they ask the school's permission to be absent?

The absence rules have been around for years now, you"d have thought everyone would realise by now that absence won't be authorised does not mean the school is somehow going to stop you doing what you plan to do.

As many others have said it's nothing personal, tell the school when your children will be absent and get on with your activities.