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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect head to give children time off?

99 replies

Apuddimgisneverenough · 05/02/2020 01:04

In a nutshell DC’s grand father is dying - weeks left to live maybe 3 months max
We have asked school for several (separate 4 in total) days off to do a ‘bucket list’ type thing with the children. It has to be on school days as his careers (who will accompany) are only with him set days. School have declined our request. Dc1 has 100% attendance and has for 3 years dc2 had 2 weeks off prior to Xmas with a nasty infection (requiring hospital treatment)
School are saying that due to dc2 and the time off the attendance will fall below 95% so will not allow them authorised absence
AIBU to tell them to fuck right off and those them out anyway ? I’m not too fussed about fines etc but DC2 is worried about “getting into trouble” neither are sitting exams or SATS so I really cannot see what difference it makes
I’ve always been a firm believer in backing school 100% but I am really struggling to se how I can in such circumstances

OP posts:
MarchDaffs · 05/02/2020 07:40

This ridiculous type of approach is why people just say their kids are ill and keep them off anyway.

okiedokieme · 05/02/2020 07:41

One day you would have had more sympathy but asking for 4 separate days to do outings has put the head in an impossible situation. It's half term shortly. The school do understand but there's guidelines for compassionate leave and fun trips aren't part of it

Butterymuffin · 05/02/2020 07:41

Don't take it personally. The rules just don't allow for authorising this whereas they do, rightly or wrongly, for a parent's wedding. It's also not the head's fault that you started the conversation in front of the kids. But hey ho, just take them out and accept the consequences. It will be ok.

Looneytune253 · 05/02/2020 07:43

Are you sure the other child's absence was authorised? Schools are under so much pressure nowadays they are unlikely to say yes but there will be no consequences if you just do it. Fines usually only get issued when there are 5 days in a row. Most people get declined and then just do it anyway

Oakenbeach · 05/02/2020 07:47

Penalising one child because they were unlucky enough to be ill and thus drop below the ‘permitted’ attendance is ridiculous.

How is the child being penalised if the parent takes them out of school?

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 05/02/2020 07:48

The school is being so controlling. LTB. Grin

IrisAtwood · 05/02/2020 07:57

Take them out of school and tell them that your children are ill. There is nothing they can do about it.
I’ve been caught this way by students. They’ve asked for an extended deadline, I’ve said no, then they email telling me about illness or a bereavement. It happens to my colleagues too.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/02/2020 08:02

I am in the minority who thinks asking for 4 days off IBU.
That said, it's of course your choice & if it's what you, your DF and other family want, you should do it

Very gently, I'd suggest thinking through the plans tho - are they really suitable for someone in their final illness? Sometimes we think these events help us stave off our grief but it doesn't work like that. My own dad died quite recently, for context - the idea of 4 'events' doesn't sit comfortably with me, I'd be thinking of normal family time which can be done at half term. However, that's entirely my own view. If you feel this is best, do it & I'm sorry you are all going through this 💐

jellycatspyjamas · 05/02/2020 08:05

I wouldn't have asked them. I'd have told them.

This. I don’t understand why you’d be asking permission from the school to make decisions that are right for your family.

I’d be telling the school my DC will be absent on x, y, z day to spend time with terminally ill family member and let them do as they will. The attendance system south of the border is bonkers.

Sharkyfan · 05/02/2020 08:06
  • normal family time which could also be done at the weekend.
I would have thought it’s possible to work round the no carers at the weekend thing If he needs carers for a whole day out who is caring for him at the weekend? If they’re just popping in on week days presumably they’d need paying extra to accompany a day trip, isn’t it possible to pay them or some one else for a weekend day. It is not normally the case that someone needs care all day on week days and nothing at the weekend
Saddler · 05/02/2020 08:10

Just take them

Sharkyfan · 05/02/2020 08:11

Sorry if that sounded a bit harsh -
Just meant that of course it’s a lovely idea but it’s the thing of it having to be in school time that I don’t get, especially with half term coming up

DontMakeMeShushYou · 05/02/2020 08:17

Agree with those saying to do these things at the weekend if taking the children out of school is causing so much stress.

My experience of asking carers to do "overtime" is that they'll mostly jump at the chance.

timetest · 05/02/2020 08:26

The head’s hands are tied and she can’t authorise the leave. Take it as unauthorised absence.

Soontobe60 · 05/02/2020 08:30

The head isn't stopping you taking your dc out of school. They are just saying it will be unauthorised.
TBH, I also think children having so many days 'out' to do things with a dying grandparent, could be a bit hard for them. As a teacher, I've known many children in this situation with a close family member being terminally ill. For many of those children, the anxiety they feel is palpable. They can be seriously affected by the wait for their relative to die.
It's a nice idea to have a family day but it feels a bit much to have several involving young children.
I'd be asking the school if they have a counsellor that your children could speak to to support them through this difficult time.

Bella2020 · 05/02/2020 08:44

The school is only bothered about absences for Ofsted reasons, I imagine. Making memories with their grandad is far more important for your kids in the long run. I still treasure days out I had with my grandparents, 40 years on.

allflownthenest · 05/02/2020 08:46

Take them out, you will never get this tie back with their GP

allflownthenest · 05/02/2020 08:47

sorry time

StillinMyPJs · 05/02/2020 08:55

I'm a teacher and I took my three children (and myself!) out of school for 4 weeks last year because we didn't think that their Granny would make it until our planned trip to the UK at Christmas (we are in Australia). Sadly she didn't live to see Christmas, but we have no regrets about the time we spent together. You will never get this time again so go for it.

Sharkyfan · 05/02/2020 08:56

@StillinMyPJs I can see why you did that but I think that’s a different situation.
These kids can see their grandad at the weekends and school holidays and maybe even after school depending how nearby they are.

tigger1001 · 05/02/2020 09:04

I wouldn't ask the schools permission. I would be informing them that my children wouldn't be in school on x days and the reason. The school can't decide whether the kids can have the time off or not, only whether it is authorised or not. The decision is yours.

TinyTear · 05/02/2020 09:06

I am sorry for the news, but as much as it hurts kids take things differently:

My questions would be

  • how old are the children?
  • what are the activities?
  • do the children want to do it?
  • is the grandfather up to it?

i have an elderly relative with dementia and we are limiting visits as want the children to have good memories and not think of this grandparent as a shell of what they used to be

Are the memories really for the grandchildren or for you?

1forsorrow · 05/02/2020 09:18

Can people not accept that the OP knows how the grandparent is coping, if they want the trips and if it is appropriate for the children. All cases are different and we know nothing about that, just that the illness is terminal and they want these trips.

Oulu · 05/02/2020 09:34

Can people not accept that the OP knows how the grandparent is coping

Unfortunately, that's not necessarily the case. No-one really knows how a terminally ill person is other than that person themselves, and no-one knows what course a terminal illness will take. A dear friend of ours had all sorts of ambitious plans for his bucket list, but when it came to it he just didn't feel up to it and wanted to rest - in fact he sadly died before the date of some of the planned activities.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 05/02/2020 09:36

Do at least a couple during half term and consider then whether the extra days are needed.