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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to send him to Nursery with a Virus?

97 replies

meelamo · 04/02/2020 18:06

I probably am BU. DS came down with a temperature on Sunday night, (between 38 and 39). Had a bit of a rash and seemed generally unwell. Kept him home Monday and today. He still has a temperature. He's usually very active and playful. Hates cuddles and sitting still. But all he's done today and yesterday is sit down on my lap mostly, cuddling up with his blanket. Unheard of for him. So, clearly feeling rubbish fighting whatever he's caught.

Have taken him to the GP. They think he's fighting some kind of viral illness and if he doesn't improve by Thursday to bring him back just in case.

So, wibu to send him to Nursery tomorrow? DH thinks we should. I don't. I also think I'm catching whatever DS has as I've felt generally unwell today. I only started my job at the beginning of January so feel bad having already taken two days off, tomorrow will be day three but it makes more sense for me to have the time off than DH because he also started a new job in January. It pays a lot more than my job. And if I am catching what DS has then obviously it makes sense for me to stay home with him rather than healthy DH. I don't think DS should be going when he's clearly poorly, needing rest and has a temperature higher than 38.

OP posts:
Urkiddingright · 04/02/2020 18:23

Definitely don’t send him. He’s not even acting like his usual self if he’s refusing to play and just wants cuddles, it would be so unfair to send him in.

OliviaBenson · 04/02/2020 18:23

You and your DH need to share the load. You both started new jobs in January and it's not fair on you or your employer that you do all the sick cover. It shouldn't make any difference who earns more.

It's stuff like this that hold women back in the workplace.

Lipz · 04/02/2020 18:26

Your husband is an idiot. You don't send a sick child to nursery/school. If he doesn't care about other children catching it please have some common sense and you keep your child home. What is he even thinking that a sick child with a temperature that high should be in nursery.

mbosnz · 04/02/2020 18:30

And the nursery will phone you. Do you think there's going to be anyone with the time to sit with your poor wee sick fella on their lap all day?

MincePiesGetInMyBelly · 04/02/2020 18:30

So...he's got a fever, he's lethargic and clingy only to you.

Yeah...go ahead and pack him off to nursery so he can be miserable away from mummy, the staff can spend all their time looking after him and they and the other kids can all catch it. Jeez! Hmm

Original poster
meelamo · 04/02/2020 18:34

DH doesn't at all expect all the sick days to fall to me and he would be happy to do his share, I'm sure. Obviously, as I seem to be coming down with the virus too, it makes more sense for me to stay home in this instance. Also, if it makes a difference, I've been with my current employer since 2017. Though, I quit in August last year as we were struggling to juggle childcare, work, finances, etc. So I decided to be a SAHM, that didn't work out either and my employer was good enough to hire me again at the beginning of January. DH also started a new job January but with a new employer from the previous so I guess he doesn't want to have too much time off in the first few months when he's new. I guess deep down, also, I value his job more than mine as he has an actual career with progression, etc. And sadly, mine's just a job.

OP posts:
FlorencesHunger · 04/02/2020 18:34

Definitely don't send him in for all the reasons above. Your dh is being unreasonable. It is unfortunate that he is unwell so early in your employment for your sake. However, to a certain extent this sort of situation won't be new to your employer. It happens! All you can hope for is he gets well soon and you won't be as bad or take as long to recover. Also hope he doesn't get so unwell for the next couple months so you can build a good reputation with your employer.

If your dh is so bothered then you guys should split the sick days. Better both being employed with some absence than one with all the absences and risking unemployment altogether.

3luckystars · 04/02/2020 18:35

NO you should not and should bring him back to the doctor if he is getting worse.

FlorencesHunger · 04/02/2020 18:36

Just seen your update, if you have a long history with your employer to the extent of being re-hired then I can't see the problem so much. Just keep the poorly dc off. Flowers

smashstore · 04/02/2020 18:37

'The nursery can just phone you to pick him up if he's not well'

He is already not well. Is your husband stupid Confused

crazycatbaby · 04/02/2020 18:38

I sent my little boy in to nursery the other day and he had a viral rash over his torso, it was barely visible, not itchy, and he had no temp, wasn't ill in himself. He's just a rashy child. I got called to pick him up and take him to the docs and was mortified that they thought I'd send him in if he was ill/contagious 🙈Took him to be seen and the doctor said he was fine to go back. If your little one is obviously poorly in himself, wants snuggles, has a temp, then no he shouldn't go in, poor thing

mbosnz · 04/02/2020 18:39

Your DH needs to reconcile himself to the reality of work and children. Children's wellbeing and interests cannot necessarily be ignored because they're inconvenient and not always compatible with work.

Emmacb82 · 04/02/2020 18:39

Nursery won’t accept him if he’s got a temperature anyway. I understand how hard it is to miss work, I’m a nurse and the pressure we are put under to turn up every shift is something else! For a caring profession we don’t always look after our own. BUT, there’s no way that I would be sending my poorly child who clearly wants his mummy and isn’t recovered enough yet to go back. Lots of cuddles at home will make him better, a room full of other snotty children won’t!

Willow2017 · 04/02/2020 18:41

DH thinks we should send him though
DH still saying we should send him and I should go to work. 'The nursery can just phone you to pick him up if he's not well'

Ask your Dh if he is going to pay all the other parents wages when HIS child passes on his infection to the other kids or the staffs wages if they get it? Or some other child gets really ill because he doesnt understand basic parenting and doesn't give two for his son or anyone else ?
He is a selfish, ignorant arse. Poor kid isnt well but he wants to palm him off on nursery to be miserable all day and pass on his illness?
Wtaf is wrong with him?
Phone nursery and tell them he wont be in and why then if dh rocks up with him they can tell him to do one.

FruHagen · 04/02/2020 18:42

Does your nursery not have a policy that children who have fever must have one fever free day at home?

Standard practice here in Scandinavia.

It's cruel to send a sick child.
It's irresponsible to send a not quite recovered child.
This breaks the social contract and who knows what it does to the trust a child places in their parents.

Whatsername177 · 04/02/2020 18:46

This is why being a working parent is so hard. Your instinct is right - don't send him. But, the work guilt is horrible. I've been the mum who does them up on calpol and hopes for the best when it looks like just a cold. Your instinct is telling you he is more poorly than a cold though. You and your dh need to alternate taking time off. It isn't just a mothers job although I know some workplaces can be a bit hostile towards men who share the load equally. DH got grumpy one time when I told him it was his turn to stay off with dd2. He sulked and pouted whilst I rushed around getting readyfor work (I'd taken the previous day off with her and come home early with dd the day before that.) We snapped at each other about why it was inconvenient for us to each be off work. However neither of us made it in that day, within half an hour dd took a funny turn, we'd called NHS direct, they'd sent an ambulance, the ambulance took us straight to hospital and dd was admitted. She had sepsis. DH never sulked again about taking time off and I feel a lot less guilty than I once did.

DemelzaandRoss · 04/02/2020 18:46

This is a no brainer. Of course an unwell child should not be sent to nursery. Uncaring on all fronts, your own child plus others likely to be infected & subsequent childcare issue for parents.

R2519 · 04/02/2020 18:50

@meelamo. Ask your DH how he would feel getting a call from the nursery saying to come and collect your DC as there had been a virus outbreak and several members of staff have been signed off sick which was due to a child coming in whilst contagious. He would probably be pissednoff that some irresponsible parent had sent their child to nursery whilst poorly!! Your decision is the right one. Your DHs is the selfish one. Not just for your DC who is ill and wants his home, bed and mum but also for the other kids and staff.

I’m one of those who’s hates, really hates it when someone comes in who is clearly quite poorly. Stay at home and don’t infect everyone else. Difficult for your guys I’m sure but best for everyone all round!

PrayingandHoping · 04/02/2020 18:52

It's not a case if them ringing you "if" he's unwell though is it when u know he's unwelll.

Don't send him.

carly2803 · 04/02/2020 18:53

erm no brainer?! he stays home...

annoys me people who calpol their kids up, send them in and end up collecting them anyhow, and its too late the virus has spread

dont be that person

R2519 · 04/02/2020 18:54

@Whatsername177. God that sound scary! I was in Europe last year and our DC was taken Ill vomiting and really poorly. Taken to hospital admitted. It was terrifying for her and for us as parents. My wife spoke the local language, I didn’t so for me it was so terrifying. I sympathise and like you and your DH I’m cautious and never moan about anything now!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 04/02/2020 18:58

I've sent mine in when she has a mild temperature (under 38) and a cough but still playing and eating and drinking well. I've kept her home when it's been higher and if she hasn't been her usual self - getting upset or just wanting cuddles or not sleeping or playing or eating etc

RB68 · 04/02/2020 19:00

DH is being a fucking idiot, don''t send a sick child in for his sake and the sake of the other kids/parents - no bloody wonder all kids in nursery are so sick all the time with this attitude

Original poster
meelamo · 04/02/2020 19:07

Wow. DH has annoyed me now. Both discussing it. DHs arguments are that, he himself finds he recovers quicker if he goes about, business as usual. He's said DS is poorly and because of this, DS is manipulating me into providing him with comfort. So he wouldn't have that at nursery and would be better off. Utterly ridiculous. More inclined to play, etc. I'm genuinely gobsmacked. DH has also only seen DS today whilst he's been on calpol. So slightly better - and has said that I'm possibly exaggerating how poorly DS was before the calpol earlier today. As a side note, the GP earlier, checked his temperature again, which was about two hours after a dose of calpol, and even with the calpol, he still had a temperature. Though, it had obviously gone down slightly. So, basically, I exaggerate, DS manipulates and illnesses are defeated much quicker by getting on with it, according to DH. Wow.

OP posts:
mumwon · 04/02/2020 19:07

I hope your child has been vaccinated - fyi dc with rubella aren't that ill they just start a bit feverish & than land up with rash Measles they start off with sore throat & cold type thing & than after about a week they have a rash (sicker than rubella) chicken pox ditto mumps dc is sore throat than neck swells after a few days dc are infectious before identifying signs (My dc are older pre mmr) (this isn't directed at you op this is literally information only)Point is these are viruses too - & dc can actually get mild version of disease before they have completed vaccination & this can be passed to others
A virus for your dc which makes them unwell might make others including the staff & parents of dc at nursery can catch this infection & pass it on - even to the extent of having to shut nursery because to many people are off sick. When I use to child mind one parent brought in child & didn't tell me they had been sick that morning - within 2 days my ds & I were violently sick … I was not happy = nor were the parents I worked for (& don't get me started on parents not treating nits - my scalp still itches at the memory - checks green metal nit comb still in cupboard - shudder)

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