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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you manage someone you can’t stand

71 replies

FizzyPink · 04/02/2020 14:25

I know I’m being totally unreasonable and I really want to improve but this girl just constantly rubs me up the wrong way.
I hired her at the beginning of the year and work wise she’s great, it’s just a real clash of personalities. She’s very confident and forward with her opinions and I just think if I’d only been out of uni a year and was in a new role I’d keep my head down a bit! A few examples -

If someone comes to my desk to talk to me she has to involve herself in some way, everything has to include her. I asked my boss to stay back from a meeting to look at a spreadsheet which had nothing to do with her the other day and she hung back to watch over my shoulder.

She worked in the same industry in her previous job and seems to have an opinion on everyone when she can’t possibly have met that many companies in only a year

She seems to test the limits by coming in 15 minutes late, going to lunch early as if the rules don’t apply to her

She’s very forward in her opinions and when I’m trying to explain things she’s constantly jumping in as if she already knows what I’m saying to here.

I feel terrible as she’s good at her job and I come in every day resolved to not get irritated by her but it’s so hard! How do I get over this when I have to sit next to her and involve her in the majority of my work? I need some coping strategies

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 04/02/2020 14:29

She sounds a pain in the arse you might need to be upfront about the nosiness and just say to her or alternatively report her, just blank her don't engage say sorry I need to get on with... and just get on with .

Mrsjayy · 04/02/2020 14:30

If you are working with her just keep the conversation to the task I n hand.

7Worfs · 04/02/2020 14:34

She needs mentoring, you are her line manager - take her under your wing.

If you feel you can’t do it, get on a management course or get yourself a mentor.

Original poster

FizzyPink · 04/02/2020 14:35

Just remembered another thing. The guy who sits on the other side of her remarked he was interviewing someone with the same name as her and she peered over at his screen, commented on the CV he was looking at and proceeded to look the guy up on LinkedIn and Facebook.
This guy works on a totally separate team so the interviewee would have nothing to do with her!

I’m hesitant to not engage with her as I’m her boss so need to keep a positive relationship, I just need to learn to keep my annoyance with her in check!

OP posts:

7Worfs · 04/02/2020 14:36

Erm no, you don’t sit back - you give feedback and support her professional and personal growth.

Wolfiefan · 04/02/2020 14:38

Looking at the spreadsheet over your shoulder? Maybe she wants to learn?
Jumping in when you are explaining something? Wanting to show she’s listening? Have you said “please could you let me finish speaking?)
Being late? Going off early? Taking the piss.
Focus on where she’s actually behaving badly rather than on things that “rub you up the wrong way”

EverSeenTheQueen · 04/02/2020 14:39

She’s young and lacking self-awareness. She’ll catch on as she rubs other people up the wrong way too!

I’d suggest being direct about stuff like the lateness. She may think that since no-one’s mentioned it, it’s no big deal. Just ask in a friendly, polite way if she could please make sure she’s in by xxx time.

Again with the hanging back and watching over your shoulder. Perhaps just busy her with another task.

“XXX, could you check on yyy for me please.” or “Could I speak to you just now - I’ll come over to your desk in a minute, thanks.”

She may appear to be annoyingly overconfident but that’s probably because she’s still learning the ropes and hasn’t got a clue what she’s doing in terms of workplace etiquette.

Takingabreakagain · 04/02/2020 14:40

I would make sure she has plenty (more than enough!!) work to do. You then can say have you finished xxx if she starts to get involved in something she doesn't need to be.
I work with someone like this though I don't manage him. He wants to know everything right now with a view to moving on as soon as he can - not understanding that we've all worked our way up and learnt as we've gone. Hopefully once she's got what she wants she'll start applying elsewhere.

EverSeenTheQueen · 04/02/2020 14:41

I agree with @7Worfs and @Wolfiefan

7Worfs · 04/02/2020 14:44

I’m biting my lip a lot here, I’m a chartered manager and it just hurts reading some of the advice from other accidental managers here... management comes with responsibilities to your reports, not hoping they’ll leave soon.

Nikhedonia · 04/02/2020 14:46

I actually feel really sad reading this.

Why are you a manager? Just because your role dictates you need to be? Or is it because you actually have a desire to provide leadership and development to your team.

pelirocco123 · 04/02/2020 14:47

You need to manage her before it becomes a big problem .
What is her probation period ? and are you doing performance reviews , if not you should be ,

Mrsjayy · 04/02/2020 14:47

I think you really need to take her aside then she needs directed doesn't she ? I misunderstood you areher manager so being upfront is maybe your next step.

DeeCeeCherry · 04/02/2020 14:52

Why aren't you managing her? Lateness and going to lunch early should already have been firmly nipped in the bud. If she constantly hovers around your desk then give her a task, if she's looking at screen over your shoulder then close screen - I sometimes have to work alongside a seriously nosey colleague & that's what I do - say nothing, close screen, resume when they've gone. They get the message soon enough.

Mia1415 · 04/02/2020 14:52

You need to manage her!

She is coming in late, so speak to her about this. Discipline her if it continues (after exploring the reasons, considering any reasonable adjustments etc).

Looking at a CV that is nothing to do with her is a data protection issue and you need to tell her so.

If she is interrupting you, then you need to firmly (but politely) say 'can you just let me finish explaining this before asking anything' or something to that effect.

SmallAndFarAway · 04/02/2020 14:55

Figure out what's important for her job (not butting into conversations, be there on time - assuming it truly matters) and address that - she's only just out of uni, she will need coaching! Whatever rubs you the wrong way but doesn't impact her work, you have to let go.

PerfectParrot · 04/02/2020 15:08

Tbh you sound a bit sexist and ageist. She isn't a girl - she's a fully grown woman and you should treat her as such. She doesn't have to keep her opinions to herself just because she's young.

Presumably you are a manager because part of your role is to assist in training people who are new to your department. If her opinions are work related and technically incorrect, explain to her. If she is behaving unprofessionally (eg coming in late) you need to reiterate expectations of your particular workplace. If it helps, imagine what you'd do if she were a 30yo man. How would you respond to the behaviours? Then do that.

onanothertrain · 04/02/2020 15:10

You are her manager, the extended breaks and lateness you need to manage. As for the rest of it she sounds very keen and it wouldn't be so annoying if she didn't rub you up the wrong way. You don't like her but it doesn't matter. You're not there to be friends, you're there to be her manager so manage her.

LisBethSalander07 · 04/02/2020 15:22

You sound like you need to go on a course to manage staff, OP.

DH and I run our own business, and it's horrid having to pull someone up on something, neither of us enjoy it but we find that it's much better dealt with promptly and honestly.

There has to be respect both ways for a good working relationship.

Coyoacan · 04/02/2020 15:26

I think I understand, OP. It is hard to correct someone that you know you have an unreasonable dislike of.

I occasionally had that problem with my adult students. What I did was look for what I could like about them and put more emphasis on that. I ended up being quite broken hearted when their time to leave came.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 04/02/2020 15:37

Perhaps she's jumping in when you're "explaining" things to her to stop you wasting your time telling her stuff she already knows? I think you need to re-think your inherent prejudices toward younger people. She doesn't need to pay her dues and be a doormat in a new role just because you chose to do that at some point in the past.
You're the manager. You need to tell her if her lateness is a problem (is it? Really? Or is it presenteeism on your part? You said she was good at her job).
And please stop being so ageist. You say she has prior experience in the same role elsewhere so stop thinking of her as a trainee and give her something that will actually challenge her.

BlingLoving · 04/02/2020 15:39

The thing is, the things you're highlighting are behaviours that as her manager, you should be trying to prevent/manage. So I agree with PP that the trick here is to discuss them with her or redirect her. The lateness etc is an easy one - as her manager, this shouldn't have been allowed to just carry on. A proper, but not overly critical, request that being on time/taking the right amount of lunch is necessary please, should be all that's required. And importantly, doing it fairly early stops it from becoming a huge deal.

Ditto, if you are speaking to your manager about omethig in a meeting room and she isn't leaving, a simple, "I need to discuss this with manager alone, if you need to discuss something with me, I'll come find you when we're done" is the answer.

basically, you seem to expect her to know how to behave and while I can understand that instinct, it's not the right one. She's young, clearly enthusiastic and your role is to guide that and get it focused on the right things.

I don't want to knock you when you're down but I honestly don't understand why you haven't made more effort to knock these behaviours in the bud before they become a problem.

Bakedbrie · 04/02/2020 15:58

YABU because you are more senior than her and need to set her straight.

LaurieMarlow · 04/02/2020 15:59

I agree with PP that you seem to need more training.

Both in determining which of these behaviours are problematic (not all of them are) and tackling the issues.

If the lateness is a problem, you should be able to deal with that, it’s not that challenging.

D4rwin · 04/02/2020 16:03

Have a set time to go over things together. Everything she butts in on you can push into that time. If she's hanging around she might have run out of things to do?

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