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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner still married - please help.

86 replies

as29267 · 03/02/2020 13:48

Me and my partner live together - he has 3 children all under 18. I have a young daughter from a previous relationship.
He and his wife have been separated for 2.5 years...
He has a separation agreement in place through a solicitor, has bought her out of the house, they share 50/50 custody, if he inherits money ect she has no claim over any of it ect.
They have been separated for 2.5 years.... My partner wants to wait until his youngest is 16 before he files for divorce, which is two more years away.. His reasoning behind this is that he believes his children would have to go to court if he divorces before they are 16... Is that true? He also wants to wait so that it's cheaper after his youngest is 16... So he can get a DIY divorce and it's not as expensive...is this true also?
I've never been married so I'm not sure on the legalities of things.... I just have a feeling he's dragging his feet.... Like if it's all legally in place why can't they divorce now instead of later?
If he were to die am I right in thinking that his wife would have a say over life support/funeral arrangements ect her being next of kin?
Im under the impression that if they have a separation agreements legally agreed then it would be relatively simple to get divorced?
Would his kids have to go through court even if everything is already prior agreed?
Also how much does it actually cost to divorce?
Any thoughts or opinions would be really helpful.... It feels really uneasy living with my partner but he's married to someone else, legally it feels very insecure for me.
Any help would be really appreciated.

OP posts:

MrsBrentford · 03/02/2020 13:54

No, no one has to go to court.

PurpleDaisies · 03/02/2020 13:56

Dump.

He’s stringing you along.

Justyou · 03/02/2020 13:58

It cost me a couple of hundred pounds to do and no one went to court, not even us.

Justyou · 03/02/2020 14:00

Just checked was £550 sorry but was really easy to do, just a solicitor drew agreement up, both signed & paid and that was it

chuttypicks · 03/02/2020 14:02

If you're in the uk then once they've been separated for 2 years then neither of them would have to go to court. It's around £600 to sort out the paperwork to get a divorce and takes a few months to go through. Your 'D'P is having you on. And yes, if he ends up on life support of similar then you won't have a say in treatment...

Originalusernameunavailable · 03/02/2020 14:02

I didn’t have to go to court at all for my divorce, let alone any of the kids having to go.

saffronshawty · 03/02/2020 14:02

Wtf is he playing at... he's feeding you bullshit. Everything he has said is BS.

HavelockVetinari · 03/02/2020 14:03

Yeah he's lying - no one will have to go to court. It can all be done through a solicitor, or if they agree on everything they can just sign the papers.

At the moment, yes, she is his legal next of kin.

meandmylot · 03/02/2020 14:03

I think it would only go to court if there was a dispute over custody or money but clearly this wouldn't be the case due to the separation agreement that has already been put in place. Suggest he has a free consultation with a solicitor to discuss the divorce process - you'll find out whether he's stringing you on this way.

WellHolyGodMiley · 03/02/2020 14:04

Of course the children do not have to court! Even HE doesnt have to go to court

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2020 14:08

He’s bullshitting you big time. You can google all the info you need.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/02/2020 14:08

Nope, I did my divorce myself. We did not have to go to court let alone the kids! Utter nonsense.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/02/2020 14:10

Even after two year’s separation, both parties still have to agree to divorce. Is his wife not willing to agree and he doesn’t want an expensive and bitter legal fight to ensue? His children wouldn’t have to go to court unless he his wife were in dispute about contact - in which case teenage children could be asked to attend court to express their wishes, which obviously would no longer be required once they were adults. If he has a civil relationship with his wife and no arguments over the DC then it sounds like he’s stalling just because he doesn’t want the hassle, to be honest.

However, as to questions of next of kin and you feeling “legally insecure” because he’s married to someone else, you wouldn’t be in any different a position once he’s divorced. A cohabiting partner has no more rights than anyone else, you’d still have no legal status and wouldn’t become his next of kin.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/02/2020 14:10

I think your DP and his wife could probably be eligible for a no fault divorce now as they have been separated for more than 2 years. It does make me wonder why he isn't seeking a full divorce.

Booboooo · 03/02/2020 14:13

Is he worried you would expect you get engaged once its completed?

oldstudentmum · 03/02/2020 14:13

Does he have a will ? Does he own a house ? Do you have a mortgage together? I would be very concerned and like others have said I’d be off. But all that aside no one goes to court certainly not the kids! You can get a divorce on line costs less than 300 I believe.

moobar · 03/02/2020 14:16

England or Scotland?

Scotland separation agreement deals with all financial stuff.

Divorce 2 year no consent 1 year consent.

Welfare affidavits needed for children if under 16, so costs with outlays and vat about 1000.

If over 16 less than 200.

user14928465 · 03/02/2020 14:17

How much more legally secure do you think you'd be if he had divorced? It hardly sounds like he's going to marry you.

Durgasarrow · 03/02/2020 14:18

That's not your partner. You are living with someone else's husband.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/02/2020 14:18

Some of the responses are slightly disingenuous. Yes, you don't need to go to court IF you both agree on everything. But for the ops dh particular situation, maybe he would have to, we don't know enough.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2020 14:19

Let me guess.....you feel it's time the two of you seriously considered marriage and this is his excuse, right?

But remember that even if he's divorced that doesn't make you his next of kin or give you any legal rights if you aren't married. Of course, legal paperwork can be done for that to cover an unmarried couple.

Urkiddingright · 03/02/2020 14:20

Yeah, he’s bullshitting you. Nobody has to go to court, they have had an amicable separation so there’s literally nothing to fight over.

Original poster

as29267 · 03/02/2020 14:20

Thanks guys - all very helpful.

OP posts:

Original poster

as29267 · 03/02/2020 14:21

I'm in Scotland...not sure if this makes a difference

OP posts:

lunar1 · 03/02/2020 14:22

The only reason it would have to go to court is if there are problems you don't know about.

Who owns your current home? Are you financially connected? Does he have a will and have you seen it?

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