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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner still married - please help.

86 replies

as29267 · 03/02/2020 13:48

Me and my partner live together - he has 3 children all under 18. I have a young daughter from a previous relationship.
He and his wife have been separated for 2.5 years...
He has a separation agreement in place through a solicitor, has bought her out of the house, they share 50/50 custody, if he inherits money ect she has no claim over any of it ect.
They have been separated for 2.5 years.... My partner wants to wait until his youngest is 16 before he files for divorce, which is two more years away.. His reasoning behind this is that he believes his children would have to go to court if he divorces before they are 16... Is that true? He also wants to wait so that it's cheaper after his youngest is 16... So he can get a DIY divorce and it's not as expensive...is this true also?
I've never been married so I'm not sure on the legalities of things.... I just have a feeling he's dragging his feet.... Like if it's all legally in place why can't they divorce now instead of later?
If he were to die am I right in thinking that his wife would have a say over life support/funeral arrangements ect her being next of kin?
Im under the impression that if they have a separation agreements legally agreed then it would be relatively simple to get divorced?
Would his kids have to go through court even if everything is already prior agreed?
Also how much does it actually cost to divorce?
Any thoughts or opinions would be really helpful.... It feels really uneasy living with my partner but he's married to someone else, legally it feels very insecure for me.
Any help would be really appreciated.

OP posts:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 03/02/2020 14:22

I'm also wondering whether he thinks his wife will dispute contact and it'll turn into an expensive and protracted legal battle?
Once his youngest is 16, they can make their own decisions about contact so that would make things easier.

I hope you're financially independent from him though, OP? Keep everything financial separate and make sure you have an "escape" plan in case things get messy during the divorce. I would consider getting your own place until his divorce has been finalised. Good luck with everything.

Original poster

as29267 · 03/02/2020 14:23

Wow - some of you guys are pretty harsh... I'm not that bothered about getting married, it's not like that. I'm just wondering what the legalities around the situation are.

OP posts:

okiedokieme · 03/02/2020 14:24

You don't have to go to court, you simply file online after 2 years separation, costs £550. They may need to file a consent order for money which they can draw up themselves but a solicitor will need to finalise, should be a formality as they have a legal separation agreement. It may be he doesn't understand or is deliberately delaying for another reason

loopery · 03/02/2020 14:24

He’s lying.
Are you living in his house? Is your name on anything? If not, then yes you are extremely vulnerable and yes his wife is his next of kin. I wouldn’t be living with somebody in that situation. Why on earth did you move in with him if he’s still married!!!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/02/2020 14:25

OP - I'm guessing you are in Scotland from Moobar explanation of the laws there. In which case he might be right that it's sensible to wait until they are 16 to keep costs lower. Have you talked about where you see your relationship going after he is divorced?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 03/02/2020 14:27

I think the PP's just want to ensure that you and your DD are financially protected and don't run the risk of losing your home, etc. Divorces can get really messy and it does sound as if there's something worrying your DP. I honestly would consider moving out or at least ensure that you have enough put by for a deposit and a few months' rent, just in case.

I'm sure your DP is lovely, but I've witnessed a couple of friends go through horrible, expensive divorces.

moobar · 03/02/2020 14:27

Scotland, ok so see my post above. Yes it's cheaper to wait.

Drabarni · 03/02/2020 14:28

He doesn't want to divorce her, I wonder why?
definitely not being straight with you, nobody has to go to court you just get divorced, simples.
How can he be a partner when he's already married he's a bf.

user14928465 · 03/02/2020 14:29

You said this:

legally it feels very insecure for me

That's why people are wondering if you are hoping/expecting/on a promise to marry him after he's divorced.

moobar · 03/02/2020 14:30

Divorce very different in Scotland.

If there is a separation agreement it is rare, nigh impossible to mess with that.

Financial disputes only form part of divorce if raised as a court action where no agreement can be reached.

Here, it's just a divorce. Costs as above

Singlenotsingle · 03/02/2020 14:31

2 years separation with consent of both parties. Will he consent?

moobar · 03/02/2020 14:32

@Singlenotsingle not in Scotland

Original poster

as29267 · 03/02/2020 14:34

Yeah it's scotland so looks like it's much cheaper to wait until kids are 16... separation agreement in place and has been for two years. I'm in no rush to marry just feel uneasy him being married to someone else.

OP posts:

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 03/02/2020 14:41

I've never been married so I'm not sure on the legalities of things.... I just have a feeling he's dragging his feet...

Why does it matter to you, if he's officially separated and living openly with you anyway? Are you waiting for him to marry you? Do you want to have a baby with him?

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 03/02/2020 14:41

sorry, crossed posts

EverythingChanges321 · 03/02/2020 14:43

If you’re living together and expect it to be a long term arrangement, push him to get the divorce finalised. Why’s he prevaricating? It makes no sense unless there’s more to it than he’s letting on.

A good friend was with her partner for over 30 years. He was still technically married all that time because of the kids but mostly because his Catholic wife wouldn’t agree to a divorce. He never saw his ex wife and most people just assumed my friend and her partner were married.

Sadly he died suddenly and his ex wife inherited everything, including my friend’s home that was in her partner’s name (!) and the ex wife even banned my friend from attending the funeral. It was beyond awful.

If you want to buy property with your partner or have children, see a solicitor and make sure you’re on all the paperwork and get adequately covered should anything happen to him. He may be young but anyone can die unexpectedly - a car accident, sudden illness etc.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/02/2020 14:45

I got divorced when DS was 3. We did not go to court at all but we had an amicable divorce and sorted custody and financial arrangements between us. We did the entire divorce online ourselves.

Lovemusic33 · 03/02/2020 14:47

He’s lying.

I divorced my ex when my kids were under 16, I paid for it and do all paper work (no solicitor), I waited the 2 years so we didn’t have to attend mediation. No one had to attend court, the kids were not involved at all.

I don’t think I could move in with someone who was still married, he’s making excuses.

Andtwomakesix · 03/02/2020 14:55

I waited for years mistakenly thinking it was easier the longer I waited. It changed nothing, it was very straightforward to divorce. I didn't need a solicitor, just completed the forms and paid the £500 I think it was. They then send letter back confirming the other has it, the other has signed and returned it do you want to proceed. You confirm yes you do, they let them know and then its done. No court, no solicitor, just initial fee sent in with form and you have to keep replying to the letters that come back. The complicated part is sorting finances and custody legal but it sounds like that's done. That all said, if his reason for divorce is not something she agrees in it wont be straightforward but I showed my ex the form first, explained it all and he agreed to sign it once it came his way. Our kids never came into it other than being named on the form.

Scbchl · 03/02/2020 14:56

We are in Scotland. My mum waited till after my sister turned 16 to divorce as it was much cheaper.

Andtwomakesix · 03/02/2020 15:00

Sorry, just saw the scotland comment - seemingly its different for you.

Jess827 · 03/02/2020 15:08

That's not your partner. You are living with someone else's husband.

This.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 03/02/2020 15:14

In Scotland, divorces with kids under 16 take longer, but he has already been separated for long enough to get divorced. Also the separation agreement is the hardest part since that's where they agree money and kids, so if that part's done then they could get divorced within weeks/months.
You don't need grounds for divorce in Scotland.
No one needs to go to court.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 03/02/2020 15:18

I never understand the Mumsnet opposition to dating separated men.

PatellarTendonitis · 03/02/2020 15:19

Does he own the house you live in with his ex? That would be concerning.

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