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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner still married - please help.

86 replies

as29267 · 03/02/2020 13:48

Me and my partner live together - he has 3 children all under 18. I have a young daughter from a previous relationship.
He and his wife have been separated for 2.5 years...
He has a separation agreement in place through a solicitor, has bought her out of the house, they share 50/50 custody, if he inherits money ect she has no claim over any of it ect.
They have been separated for 2.5 years.... My partner wants to wait until his youngest is 16 before he files for divorce, which is two more years away.. His reasoning behind this is that he believes his children would have to go to court if he divorces before they are 16... Is that true? He also wants to wait so that it's cheaper after his youngest is 16... So he can get a DIY divorce and it's not as expensive...is this true also?
I've never been married so I'm not sure on the legalities of things.... I just have a feeling he's dragging his feet.... Like if it's all legally in place why can't they divorce now instead of later?
If he were to die am I right in thinking that his wife would have a say over life support/funeral arrangements ect her being next of kin?
Im under the impression that if they have a separation agreements legally agreed then it would be relatively simple to get divorced?
Would his kids have to go through court even if everything is already prior agreed?
Also how much does it actually cost to divorce?
Any thoughts or opinions would be really helpful.... It feels really uneasy living with my partner but he's married to someone else, legally it feels very insecure for me.
Any help would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
HuskyloverI · 03/02/2020 15:20

I'm in Scotland. It is cheaper and easier if the children are over 16. When me and my first H divorced, I had to jump through extra hoops regarding the kids, and the costs were FIVE times higher because they were under 16. So honestly, I think he's doing the right thing. (I didn't really have any choice, as mine were much younger and I did not want to wait for several years. But two years? Yes, I would have waited)

As for PP saying "You're sleeping with someone else's husband"....what a dickish comment, when you know full well that both parties are separated. I mean, how far would you take this? If you separate from your husband, you can't shag anyone else until you're married to them? Stupid, unhelpful comment.

I lived with my now DH, when I was still married to my first H, because it takes years sometimes to get divorce and settlements sorted, and hey, people are allowed to have a life in the meantime. No way would I have worn a chastity belt for 5 years, whilst my divorce to my first H was getting sorted. We are women....not men's possessions, FFS.

Bouledeneige · 03/02/2020 15:20

It seems you have your answer with regards to the law in Scotland.

I think the comments 'thats not your partner thats someone else's husband' are unnecessarily judgemental. I took a while to get my divorce sorted - at least 2.5 years and some of the men I dated in that time were in a similar position. Are you saying no one can have a relationship until all the paperwork is through? Really. Oh if only we could all be living in a bubble of marital bliss.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 03/02/2020 15:25

Well said @HuskyloverI

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 03/02/2020 15:25

HumousWhereTheHeartIs, She's not dating a separated man, she is cohabiting with a man who is still married, presumably in his house. She has a child who isn't his child living with them.

If he died, his next of kin would probably get the house, life assurance etc. I'm not a legal professional.

HuskyloverI · 03/02/2020 15:32

ChangedMyNameYetAgain They have a legal separation agreement in place. Unless their Solicitor was as thick as 2 short planks, this will have made provision for death of one party before divorce is finalised.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/02/2020 15:35

I was still married to my ex husband when his partner moved in with him because we waited the 2 years before divorcing.

She was certainly not "living with my husband", yes he was legally still my husband but I did not view him as such and never referred to him as my husband after I moved out. He was very much her partner and still is. Us not being divorced didn't change that.

Some people on MN are ridiculous.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 03/02/2020 15:46

@ChangedMyNameYetAgain They are legally separated. Under Scots law, his estranged wife wouldn't inherit since they have a separation agreement which presumably deals with that.

Absolutely, the OP should protect herself financially. It's the moral objection to dating separated people that I don't understand.

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 03/02/2020 15:51

Many people don't have wills. Should he die, his children would be next-of-kin.
I appreciate that he and his estranged wife are legally separated, and that he is not likely to die in the near future.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 03/02/2020 15:57

@ChangedMyNameYetAgain
Yes, his kids would inherit. You can't disinherit them under Scots law so that would always happen. And I agree that women should always protect themselves financially. But this thread is about divorce and separation.

OP hopefully he will divorce when his youngest DC is 16 if that's what is best.

endofthelinefinally · 03/02/2020 16:00

Currently you have no rights. If he dies, his wife inherits everything. Possibly even things you paid for, unless you have clear proof in writing. Even then you will probably have a lot of hassle over it.

If you understand all that, your finances are completely separate and you don't depend on him in any way, that is fair enough. But it seems clear that he has no intention of divorcing is wife and making a commitment to you.

endofthelinefinally · 03/02/2020 16:02

Anyone can die at any time unfortunately.

AllHeart1 · 03/02/2020 16:05

That's not your partner. You are living with someone else's husband. oh do get over yourself. In this instance husband/wife is purely semantics. They’re separated, have a separation agreement in place, they’re still married in name only. Stop making judgements as if the OP were some kind of husband stealing OW.

OP it seems as if the laws in Scotland are different and that he does in fact have reasonable grounds for waiting. Something which appears not to be the case in England.

FWIW I’m in England and we divorced for unreasonable behaviour but agreed settlements/residency etc and were divorced less than a year after separation and we didn’t have to go to court.

But I’m guessing that most on here aren’t familiar with the Scottish system so advice may not be correct.

BlastEndedSkrewt · 03/02/2020 16:10

nope, not true - my soon to be DH was separated when we met. Just waited until the 2 years were up, filled in a form which they both signed & it was job done - total cost of about £200.

The house had been sold & split before we met

BlastEndedSkrewt · 03/02/2020 16:12

just saw your in Scotland - my experience may then be different

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 03/02/2020 16:13

@endofthelinefinally Under Scots law, his wife wouldn't inherit anything from her estranged husband

Rhumba · 03/02/2020 16:13

my Scottish Sis in law waited til her eldest was 16 as cheaper so given moobar's comments, I think DP is correct

pinboard · 03/02/2020 16:19

@moobar

are welfare affidavits needed in for Separation Agreement if kids under 16 in Scotland, do you know please?

NearLifeExperience · 03/02/2020 16:20

Gosh what a lot of shite on this thread. Lots of “LTB he’s a liar” from people completely unfamiliar with the Scottish, or frankly any, legal system.

If he died, his next of kin would probably get the house, life assurance etc. I'm not a legal professional
Best not post about legal things then, eh? The law isn’t a matter of opinion. 🤔

And as for the “you shouldn’t go out with separated men” crap...!

moobar · 03/02/2020 16:31

@pinboard no just for a divorce.

I would use the pursue and a friend or family member who sees the children regularly. The affidavits confirm no issues regarding the children, contact arrangements, living accomodation, schooling, likes and dislikes, any social work involvement, any additional support etc.

PinkMonkeyBird · 03/02/2020 16:32

Nope, no court issue necessary involving kids unless there is a dispute. When my ex and I split we were separated for 2 years and living with other people by the end of that separation period. We did the divorce ourselves (3.5 years after splitting) and had a DC to consider. No involving of court etc, only the formality of when we actually had to file the papers to get the divorce officially declared.

I'd be questioning what his motive is to come out with this BS.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 03/02/2020 16:34

@PinkMonkeyBird Are you in Scotland?

Purplewithred · 03/02/2020 16:37

DH and I lived together married to other people for about 5 years. My XDH wouldn't respond to anything about the divorce (controlling); so he didn't feel any need to rush and nor did his XDW. We all had separation agreements in place from the start.

So when people asked us 'are you married' we could say 'yes, but not to each other'. All very jolly.

But not quite the same as your situation.

UniversalAunt · 03/02/2020 16:38

SCOTLAND !
Some laws & legal processes in Scotland different to England, Wales & Northern Ireland.
Rinse & repeat.

in my defence, I am having a very trying day dealing with lawyers...

florascotia2 · 03/02/2020 16:38

For all those who don't know about divorce rules in Scotland:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/family/relationship-problems-s/getting-divorced-s/

pinboard · 03/02/2020 16:46

@moobar - thank you.
If you know about Scottish law could I pm you with a further Qu pls?