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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how you balance work and kids?

83 replies

Isitjustme0 · 03/02/2020 09:44

How do people on here balance having a job and kids? Are you in senior positions with kids - how do you manage? Or did you decide to stop focussing on progression to focus on kids? Do you regret that?

OP posts:
BillywigSting · 03/02/2020 15:36

I work in healthcare and do three long days (12 hour shifts)

Dp does drop off and pick up two weekdays and I work a weekend day too. Dp is standard office hours so those two weekdays ds is in wraparound care.

I do 90% of the house stuff.

It's exhausting.

BrimfulofSasha · 03/02/2020 16:12

Full time, professional career. I've tripled my salary since becoming a mum through job progression and brutal qualifications.

Let the small stuff slide and be super organised, take help when it's offered, make sure you get some down time for yourself so you don't have a breakdown.

abstractprojection · 03/02/2020 16:12

I defiantly subscribe to the Lean In philosophy, the higher position you reach before having kids the better position you are in.

Ideally, before having kids, you will have the expertise and experience that makes your knowledge more valuable then just hours worked. As this is when flexible working is in the interests of the employer as it retains that knowledge.

adag · 03/02/2020 16:29

Lots of great advice on here... I work a 9-day fortnight in a fairly senior role. For me, stuff that really helps is

  • really investigate your childcare options and get one you feel really comfortable with
  • be super organised about drop offs, pick ups, appointments etc with your other half
  • outsource whatever you can - we have a cleaner who also does the ironing
  • take any flexible working options you have - I can work from home for example
  • take family / friends help when they offer it ...
  • be prepared to let some stuff slide - I can't home cook every meal for example
  • make sure you have back up plans if you need to travel or can't get out of a meeting on time
Mostly though, try to remember there are some things you actually get better at! Multitasking, being brutally efficient, being present in the moment, listening etc... try to make the most of those things too
Ellisandra · 03/02/2020 16:54

Something that helped me personally, though it might not financially be an option for all:

For one year I did 3.5 days a week, but I proposed it as a flexible 3 or 4. That’s because 0.5 day wasn’t as helpful to the business, as knowing I could do a 4 day week when required. It meant I paid for nursery 8 days instead of 7, as I had nursery Mon-Thu so I could do 4 days in any week. I chose Fri as my non working day, because I knew in my company, that Fri was a meeting “light” day, as many were travelling home. So although I average out with 1.5 days at home a week, I never had to say, “I can’t do that date, I don’t work Thursdays”. I did work the occasional Friday too - e.g. I was requested at a week long conference, to present. It cost my household an extra day a fortnight in childcare, but it really paid dividends - most people didn’t realise I was part time that year. (lots of travelling, so not obvious not in the office!) I was promoted during that year.

More controversial, would be checking emails. I did this most days that I didn’t work, because it was easy to do so on my phone. This give and take only works if your company does give too! Mine did. Often, a single quick reply from me could move something forward, instead of waiting from Thu afternoon until Mon. As a balance - if sports days falls on a working day, my boss was fine with me working from home, and nipping up to school for an hour, no leave taken. I know a lot of companies aren’t like that... but I go back to my previous post - long before you have kids, note how your company behaves, and the culture, and actively look for a good culture. In my 20s with no interest in having kids, I heard no sarcastic comments about “part timers leaving early”.

Ellisandra · 03/02/2020 16:57

Hope that doesn’t sound smug! I don’t mean that I carefully noted the culture. I just mean, that I realised later - when I did have a child - how important that culture was. Which is why my advice to younger people now is, do what I didn’t - and definitely look out for it!

22WR · 03/02/2020 17:00

I work in a senior role that involves a 1to 2 hour commute each way, 3 times a week, and working from home the other 2 days. My husband also works away ad hoc. We work it between us that one of us will always be working from home if the other has to work further afield. My teenager gets herself to and from school via bus. My husband does the nursery drop off and pickup on the days I'm in the office and I do them when I'm working from home. I leave home at 6.45am and I don't get back until almost 7pm. At times I feel the balance is all wrong and it pains me. At other times I'm grateful for the financial freedom my job gives us as a family.

As others have said, we try and make it work for us as a family, and we have to be very organised with the logistics.

okiedokieme · 03/02/2020 17:02

I stayed home until they were in school, then worked pt school hours. I didn't have kids to put them in childcare. We went without holidays, 2 cars, new clothes etc to be able to afford it, but the difference isn't that much because childcare is so expensive. They are grown, I don't have an amazing career but I chose to have kids with a man who had a job with very long hours (60+ per week) and we were blessed with an amazing dd with autism.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/02/2020 17:02

I pay through the nose. Is the short answer.

Single mum and don't have any flexibility or any non-paid childcare whatsoever. I have to progress in my career because no other sod is going to support my child so I don't have the option to take a "non-progressing" career or a "back seat". Bitter? yes, a bit. :)

It is what it is. On the upside, though, I don't have the problem that several of my friends have had where they feel they are taking a back seat.

Swings and bloody roundabouts.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/02/2020 17:10

I got to a position that was well paid (due to being very highly skilled, a technical specialist rather than a manager of people) before having kids. My career is now stationary.... I went back between DS & DD but for 4 days and i was targeting "meeting" expectations, not exceeding them, performance wise. However I have 30 years left to work. I've got plenty of time to pick up the pace when DC are school age. By staying in role I'm not losing skills or experience but I'm not chasing promotions at the moment and I'm fine with that.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/02/2020 17:12

Okiedokieme
"I didn't have kids to put them in childcare".

Careful there. I didn't either but i earn the money to feed & clothe them & keep a roof over there head, so there.

Mariagatzs12 · 03/02/2020 17:14

They stay in school til 4:30-5 not ideal but not much else I can do

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 03/02/2020 17:17

I didn't have kids to put them in childcare.

There's always one Hmm

bengalcat · 03/02/2020 17:19

Was in a job paying enough to employ a nanny so I could continue to work the same hours and progress like my male male peers . Only have one DD though .

thepeopleversuswork · 03/02/2020 17:19

okiedokieme
fuck off.

Naomh · 03/02/2020 17:20

I didn't have kids to put them in childcare

Oh, well, the rest of us just pushed them out of our vaginas straight into a creche and zoomed back to work in our fancy cars as soon as we'd delivered the placenta.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/02/2020 17:20

Minister4CF (nice name)
I know, right. Bet they didn't home educate though.

Grobagsforever · 03/02/2020 17:40

@okie - ah lets hope the long hours husband never leaves you then.

Peachesforfree · 03/02/2020 17:50

Am pregnant so was reading this with great interest, and feeling quite smug having managed to get into a fairly senior position with a promotion on the horizon and plenty of flexibility in my role.

Then my (well meaning) DH text me offering to "babysit" our future child so that i could do things like see my friends and go to the gym. Doh! Will now work on reprogramming him over next 6 months :-/

aufaitaccompli · 03/02/2020 18:02

I worked PT for several years. Kids spaced apart so that childcare was affordable.
Unfortunately exDH wasn't supportive of my career and put the brakes on my professional development, which I begged and pleaded for.

I subsequently suffered badly with mental health issues for a period of a few years until youngest was 6. I've now managed to claw my way back into a professional role two grades higher than the one I left!!

It's doable. I work FT but can work flexibly and from home if not with clients. I will get paid development this year for the first time in a decade, and I did it pretty much on my own (psychologically I mean)

I had scant support from family and no cleaner.therefore my life and my interests fell by the wayside. Clawing it all back now and am very proud of myself.

Don't fall into the trap of being over appreciative of crumbs from your partner. You're a team.

Good luck!!

Ylvamoon · 03/02/2020 18:07

okiedokieme - good for you!
I for my part want to teach my DC that it's possible to have a career, the holidays and flashy cars while raising and caring for children with the right partner and attitude.

My DH works mainly 12 hours night shift 3 days a week. I have a FT job during days.

It works for us as there is always someone home if DC are poorly. We do pay for holiday clubs but have no other childcare fees.

Housework is split between us... there are set jobs between all of is. We usually deep clean the house on Saturdays & only do what's necessary during the week.

Everything is planned and allocated to the right person.

I think a high level of self decline is key... procrastination is not really an option Mo - Fr... but everything is very relaxed at the weekend.

tappitytaptap · 03/02/2020 18:28

I work 4 days, 2 from home to (mainly) correspond with nursery days. Share pickups and drop offs equally with DH. Have parents living locally who have the kids two days a week and can pick up sick days etc if necessary. Get a cleaner. Have easy meals some days. I was relatively senior before having kids, enough to have the flexibility to do 2 days from home though my company is very flexible (albeit have a heavy workload/ high expectations) for everyone not just parents. Agree with a PP about observing the company’s culture. Also I may get flamed for this, but I out earned (and now earn same as, despite being 4 days a week) my DH. This is the case for most of my friends who seem to have ‘equal’ relationships I’d say. I’m shocked at the number of my friends who seem to be lumbered with the primary childcare responsibility because their DHs/DPs seem to regard their careers and free time as vastly more important.

G5000 · 03/02/2020 18:55

I didn't have kids to put them in childcare

Pff childcare. I threw mine to random wolves to raise.

LadyofMisrule · 03/02/2020 19:02

We both had fairly demanding professional jobs when the children were young. It was fine when they were at nursery, but when they started school my DH took a few years off, doing occasional part time work from home. Now we both do contract work, both working more than full time (about 50 hours a week each) and each taking our turn taking them the sports clubs and matches/competitions. It helps getting a cleaner, and really lowering your standards about housework.

jakeyboy1 · 03/02/2020 19:11

I had to take a huge step back after my first as my then employer would not offer any form of flexible working and it was not physically possible for me to get there after nursery drop off before 9.

7 years later I've had a couple of jobs and am just about to overtake what my salary was 7 years ago. I work 4 days.

Whilst I have been resentful more recently I've also been "lucky" in that I've had some roles that allowed me to have time with the kids too.

We could not afford for my DH to have taken a cut in hours as he earns a lot more than me. That said it is annoying when I am doing 90% of childcare and 80% of a full time job. I'm not saying it's right but it is a fact of life for us as DH typically works a 60-70 hour week.