To ask how you balance work and kids?

[Isitjustme0]

How do people on here balance having a job and kids? Are you in senior positions with kids - how do you manage? Or did you decide to stop focussing on progression to focus on kids? Do you regret that?

I'm selfemployed (barrister) and my husband is employed, we have a nearly one year old. I'm the main earner but he is also fulltime. I have consciously stopped taking on as much work and am no longer taking on very big and demanding cases, to give myself more flexibility. However, this isn't imposed by my DH's work, it's just because I want to have enough time with my DD.

Most days, I get home about 5 and then look after my DD til her bedtime at 8, then sometimes work til about midnight, or sometimes have the evening off. I spend daytime weekends with the family when at all possible but also often end up working evenings at the weekend.

We have a cleaner who also does all the washing, so I don't do any housework (my husband does a bit more than me). I cook v basic meals tbh, nothing fancy.

I think I've arranged it as best as I can, but it still feels like a trade off. I'd like to see more of my DD but I do think I get enough time with her - much more than a lot of working parents I know. My career is taking a hit but I'm pretty much fine with it just ticking over for now, though I do worry about future sustainability. The main problem is I'm very tired!!

I still breastfeed morning and evening the baby wakes a couple of times in the night for a feed (usually only for a short time) so looking forward for that to end, but at the same time I like the connection of breastfeeding so I'm not doing anything to discourage. I have no social life tbh and have probably damaged quite a few friendships as I just don't have the energy to stay on top of them all. However, I'm conscious that I'm in a fortunate position to have a lovely baby I get to see a lot of and a good career so I feel grateful for my position.

• find a supportive partner who does his fair share. I took the first 3 months of maternity leaves, DH did the rest. My career has not suffered.
• try to be as senior as possible before kids. I have significantly more flexibility now than when I was just starting out. Having money is also useful to buy in all the services that make your life easier.

I hear you, but it's not always the woman who has to sacrifice. My DH works longer hours than me, so I am more responsible, but I would say he is very interested in my career progression and would do whatever he could to support me. He already does his fair share of the grunt work.

Also, all the men I work with are very involved with coordinating childcare with their spouses. My husband is working in IT for an investment bank in the city and it's the same, the men he talks to are very involved in coordinating childcare when the wife is not a SAHM.

Don't put barriers before yourself!

Yeah I guess so, I feel like I’ve just had a realisation of what’s ahead of me (I’m 27 so guess I’m thinking more and more about family stuff) and it’s demotivated me and made me a bit bitter which I try not to be but can’t even help it! But you’re very right to not put barriers up ahead of myself!

I can't go part time, well I can but I get the same amount of work for less pay, so it's pointless. DH works long hours and has a long commute. We cope with me doing all the pick ups and drop offs as I work locally, we have wrap around childcare and staying up at night catching up on work whenever possible. It means never having any down time, either working or childcare or asleep. DH gets off better as he has 2 hours of commuting to watch TV shows. I've not done anything that isn't childcare or work for 5 years. That's the sacrifice but it has meant I've kept my head above water at work and as DC get older I have more time to spare for work which held me progress.

I have colleagues who have wrap around child care and au pairs who do the pick ups and drop offs which has allowed them to progress more quickly than me

There are four things make it work in my experience...

1. Be strategic about when you go on mat leave. If you can secure the next step up/ make it onto the first rung of senior leadership then TTC. Serve some of that ‘time’ on mat leave for eg. No one in years to come is going to know you spent 1/2 years of that time in leave, just that you have X years experience at Y level.

1. Get a cleaner and don’t faff about. Get someone in as much as you need to clean, tidy, do the laundry, change beds etc. Recognise this is as much about taking off the mental load as well as the physical work. I have no idea when the sheets/towels all need changing... our amazing cleaner has a system and I don’t need to know.

1. Make sure your partner does their full share. 50/50 all the way. I personally think either shared parental leave, or if you can manage it your DP taking a good 3/6 month sabbatical, is great so they are just as on top of looking after DC as you are. I think it’s maternity leave rather than pregnancy that sets the pattern...

1. Don’t feel guilty. There is basically no point... and if MN has taught me anything it’s that WHATEVER you decide to do there is capacity for guilt and for sure someone, somewhere who’ll encourage you to feel it!! Also there is no ‘having it all’ just trade offs - all you can do is make yours the best you can and then get on with it.

I don’t . Failing at both ! Plus me time , ha

There is absolutely no reason why you should be feeling at this point that you have to sacrifice your career. If you don't want to then don't. But the only way it will work is if your partner is on board 50-50, it has to be a team thing. The reason a lot of men are able to continue their careers uninterrupted is because so many women take the hit on theirs to facilitate them. If you don't want to do that then make that plain before you even start TTC.

My DH and I both work full-time, 5 days a week, neither of us in particularly 'family-friendly'-type careers. We have one DD at primary school. Neither of us have taken a back seat so the other one can progress, but we do both pull our weight with drop-offs and pick ups and have been up front with our employers that while we take our jobs seriously, we also have a life outside of work that we wish to be fully engaged in. We have been able to pay for excellent nursery and now use after school clubs and nannies. We are structured and organised about it. And fair.

I have a DH who went part time and he works from home so can do all the school runs if need be.

@Isitjustme0 the funny thing is my kids have motivated me to do better. It's an odd experience, but I don't think I was very self-motivated before I had DC1. Since then, I realise kids are expensive and I want him to be proud of me, so I took more risks and landed a managerial position. DC2 is here and I'm now on maternity leave loving every second. My drive to succeed has definitely increased, as well as my drive to build up my savings, and theirs too.

My drive might be helped by the fact we live in a poor area with bad secondary schools, so if DC do not get into a grammar, we will either have to move or go private (they are also selective though). Currently, we could just about afford to go private for secondary with my husbands current salary, but if I do better then we could comfortably afford it. I went to a bad comprehensive, so good schooling is very important to me, even though it wasn't even on my mind before having my children (hence how we ended up living where we do). We commute easily into London, so have excellent job opportunities with a very low mortgage! DH and I are a team with the same goals. Work with your partner and you won't feel like a martyr, honest!

I had a middle management position leading a fantastic team which I loved. Was able to carry on full time, and doing the additional things after baby gone to bed in the evening ... however, it was when it came to school days (short days and the holidays), I adjusted my hours and eventually did a jobshare and moved to a different role.

From the career, pension point of view ... financially suicidal and eventually when redundancy came round the rules had changed and I got much less of a lump sum than I would have. Getting a new job with similar money has proved v difficult and I now work for significantly less in a completely different environment and it's hard if satisfying on some levels.

However, from the point of view of supporting my lovely children through their school years and friendships and activities and difficulties it was marvellous.

I think I am def over thinking it from the sound of things you play it by ear based on what works at the time/what you want to/can do! I think these stories are pretty amazing and sounds like everyone is managing it all so well so hats off to you all 😍 luckily my boyfriend is very supportive and has said if I find it too stressful I can go part time but he wants me to succeed in my career as well as him in his so he will be willing to support me which I am lucky for😃

While it's impossible to really understand how it is before experiencing it, I reckon at least giving it some thought and doing some research beforehand can only be a positive.

Full time widowed parent here. Two small kids in two different schools. I cope by using a babysitter to do a few of the pick ups and drop offs and then kids in full wrap around care. And having a good cleaner. And not giving a crap about the endless requests from the PTA. Or worrying about crap like birthday cards for distant Aunts. I have a strong local support network for emergencies and I make sure I give back where I can.

If your not partner is doing HALF as he should then it really should be fairly easy. Don't compromise your career for his.

@OP your boyfriend is not doing anything special in saying that, you are not 'lucky' FFS. He should also be offering to go part time if needed.

Grobagaforever - true!!

Part time really is a tricky choice. In my line of work, it would indeed mean same work for less money, and people would assume you're on 'mummy track' and not interested in any kinds of promotions or development opportunities.

I took a conscious decision to gather experience in my career but in roles at the same level while my toddler is young. The next step up would involve longer hours and I’m not willing to do that while my DD is so young. I was lucky to get a secure position in my career before having my DD though.

No, your boyfriend isn’t supportive - of your career. If you find it too stressful, why is he saying you can go part time?

• he could go part time
• you could both go just under full time
• he could take on the lion’s share when you’re particularly under pressure, just as you would do for him

This is your problem - thinking that the answer is part time, and not progressing.

I am in a big blue chip company surrounded by women who work / have worked part time for periods. I see some women with a “welcome back from mat leave” announcement also announcing them into a promotion.

• check out the company’s you apply to, that is the biggest thing you can do to help yourself
• expect your partner to parent equally. I work away frequently, my child is with her dad. Of course I get asked who has her a lot, whereas he NEVER does when he’s away

The answer is not to get stressed that you can’t do it, and then go part time. It’s set your life up so that, as much as possible, you don’t get stressed in the first place.

CEO here. When my children were pre-school I did a nanny share and nursery. I did the nanny share with a family a couple of doors down - children the same age and gender as my two. Their house was very much home from home.

When my DC started school I had au-pairs but pretty soon I replaced that with an after school nanny who was wonderful. A woman in her late 50s, they jolly, outgoing and kind - we had the same expectations about childcare and she was lovely. A really good friend to us.

Having worked 4 days a week after 5 years I went full time in my first CEO role. (And shortly afterwards got divorced). So I was very much on my own - with a cleaner and my lovely after school nanny (who also did the kids washing). It stayed that way till the kids were mid teens when the nanny left.

I was pretty organised I guess but also had a good group of friends who were Mums at school who I could check in with by text - when's the school trip, when do we need to send money in etc. I always did school drop off except for when their Dad took them one day a week. He had them EOW so I also got time to relax, get organised or simply be very sociable.

I don't feel like I sacrificed my career at all - except that I stayed too long in one job probably because I was subconsciously afraid of the risk of a new job not working out. I'm proud that my kids have turned out such well adjusted brilliant people and that I've had a very rewarding career doing something I love.

Going part-time isn't necessarily the answer - in my experience it's the part-time workers whose careers stalled, not the ones who worked 5 days but left bang on time for pick up.
Has your parter said he would go part time if that was what was called for? Why would you necessarily find it more stressful than him? Is it because he knows his life is unlikely to change much, because you will be doing all childcare, wifework etc.? It's easy to be supportive of your other half's career, until you're asked to make some sacrifices of your own. His sacrifice is to let you go part time so you'll be able to do everything that's expected of you without it being too stressful?

I work part time (3 days, 17 hours per week) and have a cleaner.

I work full time and always have done since I went back after mat leave, it’s a challenge to balance everything...! I’ve found that having a cleaner helps, we also have the meal boxes delivered so that’s 4 meals already sorted for the week so I don’t have to do menu planning, I also batch cook at weekends too. Childcare has always been 8-6 and is still the same now DS is at school with breakfast/ after school clubs so my husband and I take it in turns to do drop off and pick up. We also both have international travel, work in London and work from home. I’ve never applied for flexible working - I just do it. I’ve worked for several organisations where it’s normal to do this, regardless of whether you have children or not (think millennials- it’s normal to want flexible working from day one and to not have to earn it).

I think the reality is something does take a hit. Either you work fewer hours and have time with your kids, or work the hours your career demands and sacrifice time with your kids but I think that’s the same for men and women.

I had reached a fairly senior position before kids. I work part time and run my own business, both jobs are very flexible and of course I have full control over my working hours in one of them. My DH works full time and we both share things like time at home for sick kids, coveting holidays etc, he also shares in housework and meal times. We’re both stretched at times and tired a lot of the time. It’s hard but we’re happy with the balance we’ve struck.

Thing that help:-

• being financially secure before having kids, including having financial plans to cover parental leave
• having a pattern of sharing household responsibilities properly before having kids, simply put if it’s not ok now having children won’t make him pull his weight
• be clear about the support you have around you, but expect that to change in reality eg the folk I thought would be able/willing to help haven’t been fir various reasons
• be in as flexible a job role as possible before having kids
• be realistic - you can’t give 100% to everything (your kids, your career, your relationship) think about where your priorities lie and expect those priorities to change after kids

I'm playing catch up in my career now my kids are older. I have absolutely been pegged back start and promotion wise and it makes me angry that women are out in this position. I'm ten years behind my male peers in terms of £££.