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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lock the front door.

59 replies

Beelzebop · 03/02/2020 09:14

Husband did not come home last night. No replies to texts I've sent. Aibu to lock the door and leave the key in it? My anxiety is through the roof.

OP posts:
Awittyusernameishardtofind · 03/02/2020 09:18

Not reasonable I’m afraid. You don’t know what’s happened yet and even if he has just been a selfish twonk doing that will only escalate the matter and won’t make you feel any better in the long run

Tombliwho · 03/02/2020 09:19

Does he have form for it?
My DH doesn't so I would just be really worried. If he had previous I'd be locking the door and leaving a key in definitely.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 03/02/2020 09:20

On balance, probably unreasonable, but if he has a pathetic excuse for why he was out all night and couldn't call or text you then you wouldn't be unreasonable to change the locks afterwards.

pauapaua · 03/02/2020 09:20

I'd lock the door but I wouldn't leave the key in. What would it achieve?

pauapaua · 03/02/2020 09:21

but if he has a pathetic excuse for why he was out all night and couldn't call or text you then you wouldn't be unreasonable to change the locks afterwards.

Only on Mumsnet would anybody suggest changing the locks in those circumstances Shock

Original poster
Beelzebop · 03/02/2020 09:21

Yes, he has done it in the past. He constantly stays out hours after he had said he will be back. When I challenge it it starts a row. I just want to stand up for myself.

OP posts:
Seeline · 03/02/2020 09:21

Where was he supposed to be? And who with?
Does he have form for this?

Not sure where locking the door would get you - are you going to be at home? If he rings the bell, will you answer the door?

MrsMozartMkII · 03/02/2020 09:21

As pp - does he have form for this?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/02/2020 09:23

YANBU. I'd also be making plans to leave the marriage as it sounds like he has no respect for you.

LongWalkShortPlank · 03/02/2020 09:23

If you're kicking him out then by all means bag up his stuff, leave it outside and lock the door with the key in. If you're not then you need to decide what you do want and sit down and talk about it.

slipperywhensparticus · 03/02/2020 09:23

Well an unlocked door isnt secure so lock it if he bitches tell him to fuck off

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2020 09:25

How would locking him out achieve anything? Surely you will just have to let him in at some point? Isn't it better to try to take a discussion on this...is he potentially to drunk or high to respond and get himself back?

How is locking him out standing up for yourself? Isn't it just making a petty point? One that will last minutes?

Can't believe someone suggested changing the locks. 🤣

Halo1234 · 03/02/2020 09:27

Do u expect him to sleep on the doorstep. He is being unreasonable not communicating with you and letting you know he is ok and it is mean to leave you at home wondering where he is and if he is ok.
But you cant lock him out. I assume it's his home too. You dont have the right to stop him coming into his home that would make u just as bad as him. I assume he pays for the house too. So he has every right to come and go as he pleases. He is an adult. In a loving healthy relationship he would communicate better with you and you need to work on that (or not if u chose) but you cant just stop him gaining access to his house.

JRUIN · 03/02/2020 09:30

You poor thing OP. Not only do you have a husband who is obviously up to no good, but he doesn't even respect you enough to even try to cover his tracks and doesn't care that you are left to worry all night. Pack his shit up, chuck it out the door, lock it and divorce the cunt.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 03/02/2020 09:33

I'm so anxious I can't think straight. Thanks for your replies everyone. I have locked the door, but left the key at the minute. It'll only end up with a row. Ridiculously, he was at work at a bar and I reckon he got pissed and slept there. Or maybe he has got someone. We have two kids, they didn't notice, but it's not fair. I feel really disrespected

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 03/02/2020 09:34

You say he has form for this. Why are you putting up with it. Yes, lock it. After you've bagged up his belongings ready for him to go. He's checked out already & prob has another woman. The row is to make you shut up & back off. He sounds awful OP.

KellyHall · 03/02/2020 09:36

Put all his stuff in the garden, then lock the door and leave the key in. Take the kids out for the day, via the back door.

MorningNinja · 03/02/2020 09:37

Keep the door locked and start on your exit plan to get out of this relationship today.

CakeandCustard28 · 03/02/2020 09:39

Lock him out and start googling divorces. Today’s the first day of the rest of your life!

LividLaughLovely · 03/02/2020 09:41

My first husband did this a few times (we were pretty young).

My mum gave me the advice that if HER husband had done it, she'd be visiting hospitals and calling the police, but that with MINE, it was safe to assume he was drunk or asleep somewhere.

She was right. It didn't stop me phoning the police once out of desperate worry, but she was right.

The marriage didn't last (and he died an alcoholic...)

My second husband - it would NEVER HAPPEN. It just wouldn't. I wouldn't have remarried to put myself in that position ever again.

You are worth more than this. A real marriage has two-way respect.

Maduixa · 03/02/2020 09:49

I'm sure I'm being stupid, but - does he not have his own key? Can you get a copy made for him? It doesn't solve the problem that he will stay out late and you'll worry about him, but at least you can lock the door if you want to go to sleep or need to go out, and he can let himself in. Also, can he not call or text if he knows he'll be out very late/overnight?

BohoBunney · 03/02/2020 09:53

I'm sure I'm being stupid, but - does he not have his own key? Can you get a copy made for him?
I think OP means she will lock the door and keep her key in the lock so when he puts his key in on the outside it won’t open, locking him out so she won’t have to deal with him when he comes home.

It’s a pretty terrible idea though as it’s going to escalate the situation massively, if your anxiety is through the roof OP why? Are you worried about him coming come? Has he ever been physically abusivd to you? What’s the situation with the house? If renting in your name can you pack his bags and ask him to leave? The moment he steps through the door call the police if you think you’re in danger or is there anyone else who can be with you Flowers

BusterGonad · 03/02/2020 10:01

Why are you so anxious Op? And I don't agree with locking him out or putting his stuff in the garden, what would that achieve? Surely if things are that shit can't you sit down and discuss it? Make plans, put him in a spare room, or put the kids with you and move him to the spare room until you've sorted something out. Like a previous poster said if he's paying rent (presumably) he still has rights. Why cause a huge scene in front of the kids over it.

Stampy84 · 03/02/2020 10:35

I’ve been in this situation in the past, it’s awful.
You need to make a decision about what you want, I can assure you locking him out will not stop him doing it again- in fact in his eyes it will only justify his behaviour.

What I would do, is say nothing. When he comes in be light and breezy and don’t even bring it up, then go out for the day. In a week or two, make your own plans to have an evening out and go stay in a hotel for the night, don’t answer his calls. When he inevitably gets stressed out when you finally arrive home just simply say ‘oh, I thought this was the way we did things, I hadn't realised it’d be a problem seems as you do the same?’
Then again, get on with your day..

Franticbutterfly · 03/02/2020 10:41

I put up with this for years. It’s unacceptable.