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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lock the front door.

59 replies

Beelzebop · 03/02/2020 09:14

Husband did not come home last night. No replies to texts I've sent. Aibu to lock the door and leave the key in it? My anxiety is through the roof.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 03/02/2020 11:16

Sounds like good advice stampy.

JosefKeller · 03/02/2020 11:25

Why are you so anxious Op? Confused

because that's a normal reaction? If a husband or wife doesn't come home at all, it's reasonable to worry. Most normal couple would at least send a quick text saying they are staying over somewhere.

If I was staying at my parents or one of my sisters and didn't come home all night, they would worry too!

JRUIN · 03/02/2020 11:34

Just wondering Stampy84 if playing tit for tat worked for you? I personally think that playing games like this would be very unfair and confusing for the kids.
OP in an ideal world you should sit your DH down and talk to him, tell him you are not prepared to put up with his behaviour anymore and mean it, but as you said that he has form for this and just argues the toss back-therefore not acknowledging that he's done anything wrong-I would lock him out...... for good.

ColourMyDreams · 03/02/2020 11:41

My sister once locked her husband out. I say once because he simply kicked the door in to get in.
Which he was entitled to do as it was a joint owned property.
Why don't you just lock the door, take the key out and go to bed.

Stampy84 · 03/02/2020 11:48

@JRUIN
In my situation yes it did, men that stay out all night tend to be the Alpha Male type. They’re used to a woman going nuts and getting upset- then inevitably calming down and getting on with life until the next time. Then repeat cycle..
Words go over their head, while she’s talking all’s hes thinking is ‘just agree with what she’s saying, say the right thing and she’ll shut up soon’
Then they’ll do it all over again because they can, all’s they have to do is listen to a bit of moaning and maybe the silent treat for a few days (which they love by the way, it’s actually a relief for an alpha male to get the silent treatment!)

Sometimes go against the grain, react how they absolutely do not expect you to, and quietly show them how it feels. I would say the next time he goes out he’ll be thinking ‘if I stay out all night, she’s most likely going to do the same and it’s not worth it’
I can not speak for every male of course, some simply don’t care about the woman or her feelings and no amount of action or non action will change that.
As for the children being effected, to a degree I agree with you. But the children are Being effected now, watching their mum anxious and upset however well she might be trying to hide it. Relationships are hard work at times, and sometimes you have to do something and make a change, or just put up and shut up. Lots of things in family life will effect children, sometimes it’s ok to be selfish as a mother if it nips something in the bud, then hopefully it will stop these situations happening again therefor leading to a happier family life- and the one night mum played tit for tat will not be lodged in the child’s memory for ever more.
I can understand however if this approach is not for everyone, it’s must something that worked for me. Words are so very cheap.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 03/02/2020 15:07

I'm so upset. He came home about 2pm. Didn't speak. When I tried to ask where he'd been he just totally turned it on me saying I would like it if hed stuck his dick in someone!

OP posts:
Eckhart · 03/02/2020 15:14

Nothing has to turn into a row. A row takes 2 people. Don't engage with him other than telling him he's been disrespectful of your feelings. Stick with that until you can think more clearly.

Don't do passive aggressive things like leaving the key in the locked door. Say what you mean, say it calmly. If he doesn't listen to how you're feeling there's no point in saying it louder and louder. You'll need to separate, in that instance.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/02/2020 15:38

So what are you going to do about it OP? Carry on putting up with it or realise that you and your children deserve better?

BusterGonad · 03/02/2020 16:13

Josef but if he's done it loads of times before then surely you'd think he was staying out like a dick again, as in its not out of character. It's a bit different if he's a dutiful husband who is considerate and texts his whereabouts.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 03/02/2020 16:16

I know we deserve better. At the moment I feel very, very trapped. The house belonged to him at our marriage so I don't know how that affects things. I'm training, so on a very low income. What really upsets me is that if he'd wanted to stay out he could. He was supposed to be back from work at 4pm, not a text or call.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beelzebop · 03/02/2020 16:20

JRUIN, that's the problem. I try to talk to him and it just gets bounced back at me, or he will say " well you were drunk once in 1986!" or something. This is constant. Also, I've genuinely never considered he would have a fling, but why would he be so adamant that that's what I thought was going on if he wasn't? He was totally on the attack when he appeared. He knows he's out if order, but what's so sad is he doesn't care.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beelzebop · 03/02/2020 16:21

Thanks so much all by the way. I can't talk to anyone in real life.

OP posts:
Didntwanttochangemyname · 03/02/2020 16:28

Do you want to carry on with him? What happiness does he bring you and your children?

FizzyGreenWater · 03/02/2020 16:37

The house is a marital asset, and you also have children who would need to be housed as the priority, and I would assume that you are now and would remain the primary carer...

So, his house? Nope, sorry, it won't be.

I would see a solicitor and start making plans.

You don't have to live your life with a nasty twat. And you don't need to argue your case either, you know. 'I don't love you any more' will do just fine, especially as he knows full well why you don't love him any more. Start planning.

IntermittentParps · 03/02/2020 16:41

Fuck me. He sounds horrible. Get thee to a solicitor.

JRUIN · 03/02/2020 17:25

JRUIN, that's the problem. I try to talk to him and it just gets bounced back at me, or he will say " well you were drunk once in 1986!" or something. This is constant. Also, I've genuinely never considered he would have a fling, but why would he be so adamant that that's what I thought was going on if he wasn't? He was totally on the attack when he appeared. He knows he's out if order, but what's so sad is he doesn't care.

Whether he's having a fling or not, you nailed it there when you said he just doesn't care. If he loved and respected you he would care. You are wasting your life worrying about someone who does not worry the tiniest bit about you. Like I said before you deserve better OP. Give him one last chance if that is your wish, but after that please don't take any more crap from him. He has taking advantage of your forgiving nature enough Flowers

Original poster
Beelzebop · 03/02/2020 18:19

Didntwanttochangemyname , I don't want to stay if this is how it's going to be. It's grim. He is now working a 3-7 shift and honestly I'm so anxious as to what will happen when he comes back. I am going to get myself a solicitor tomorrow.

OP posts:
Fedupofitnow123 · 03/02/2020 21:12

How are things?

Original poster
Beelzebop · 04/02/2020 02:31

Thanks Fedup. He is downstairs asleep on the sofa. Own decision as he hadn't spoken to me apart from being overly bloody nice. I know that this is not normal behaviour as far as I know. Is it? I have no idea what normal is I don't think. It's awful.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 04/02/2020 06:22

This is not a normal marriage. He doesn't care for you or respect you. He treats you like a housekeeper, not a wife, and will continue to do so because he can get away with it. He is gaslighting you.

Definitely see a solicitor as this marriage is going nowhere. Do you have any family at all ?

Franticbutterfly · 04/02/2020 06:57

I think it’s a pretty safe bet he was with someone else.

Redlocks28 · 04/02/2020 07:07

Did he own the house when you married? Are you in the deeds?

BusterGonad · 04/02/2020 07:51

I'm sorry things are shit Redlocks.

Oulu · 04/02/2020 07:55

Make an appointment with a solicitor with expertise in family law so that you understand what your legal position is. Your children are undoubtedly entitled to a roof over their heads even if the house is in your husband's name. Then have a good think about whether you want to go on like this and act accordingly.

YouJustDoYou · 04/02/2020 07:56

My dh did similar op- didn't come back until showed up lunchtime next day, overly defensive, turns out yes, he'd stuck his dick in someone. And repeat over the years u til I managed to get actual evidence of it.