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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be embarrassed being single for 12 years?

69 replies

happyandsingle · 03/02/2020 00:32

Apart from some random dates and a breif 4 month fling that's how long I've been single for.
When people ask me how long I've been single I always lie for fear of being judged.
I'm pretty average looking and been on/of dating sites but just not found the one.
What would you think about a person that had been single that long?

OP posts:

herbsmokedchicken · 03/02/2020 00:43

I was single for 16 years before I met my ex, and really the couple of relationships I’d had before then were just giggly teen things that only lasted a few weeks so I’d actually really been single my entire life. So can’t really answer your question I suppose as I’ve been in the same boat, but wanted to give you reassurance that you’re not alone. It always seems so alienating. I don’t understand how other people seem to find it so easy to get into relationships!

Gillian1980 · 03/02/2020 01:00

I wouldn’t think anything, other than that they hadn’t met the right person yet.

I was single for 9 years before I met DH and I know what you mean, I felt a bit embarrassed about it. But I don’t know why I felt that way as I don’t see other single people in any kind of negative light.

Elle7rose · 03/02/2020 01:14

Long term single here too! There's nothing you can do about it (apart from look for the one) so no point worrying about it or about what others think about it.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/02/2020 01:23

OP I can totally understand where you are coming from, having felt like this when younger.

I have come to realise in my 40s that being long term single is a sign of strength of character and something to be massively proud of.

It means you haven’t compromised yourself and your needs to be able to attach a label to yourself saying “in a relationship”. Which can mean you’re supported by a loving partner but more often than not means you are fitting your needs around those of someone who doesn’t really deserve or value you.

So shout it from the rooftops: it’s a badge of honour.

EBearhug · 03/02/2020 01:39

Never occurred to me to be embarrassed about it. Mind you, I don't think anyone has asked me how long I have been single, so maybe they look at me and think it couldn't be any other way!

BiscuitBean · 03/02/2020 01:41

I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of at all OP! If anything it shows that you're strong and independent and I think it's a good thing not to want to settle for something you don't feel is right

redcarbluecar · 03/02/2020 01:50

I’ve been single for longer than that and don’t really care what other people think - your feelings are your own though, and it’s not ‘unreasonable’ to feel what you feel. I would encourage you to do all you can to accept yourself though, so that you can feel settled and content however things pan out. And if you are using dating sites, good luck in meeting someone you like.

Mintjulia · 03/02/2020 02:01

I don’t feel embarrassed. I’ve provided a place of safety to four friends/relies now, as they leave abusive or aggressive partners.
I regard myself as very lucky.

NumbersStation · 03/02/2020 02:20

Single for longer. No dates or dalliances at all.

Not through choice though. No one looks at me as though I’m a prospect.

Came to terms with it 10 years ago.

kiaorasvetlana · 03/02/2020 06:23

I've been single for most of my adult life, I've no intention of ever dating again let alone having a relationship. Luckily I don't give a flying duck what people think of me, that's probably just as well

hazell42 · 03/02/2020 06:37

Why are you ashamed to be single ffs?
Are you really waiting around to be picked?
By who? Anyone?
Why not enjoy being single?
Learn to love yourself and then if you meet someone you do so knowing that they will only become part of your life if they add something to it.
I have been single over 10 years
I'm very happy and am not looking for a relationship.
I'm not going to apologise for that and neither should you.

wildcherries · 03/02/2020 06:45

I'm sometimes sad but never ashamed. And as my circle of friends go through divorces etc, and I see what that does to them and learn how much they feel they gave up for a relationship, I think I'm the lucky one after all. Plus, I don't ever want to live with anyone.

InfiniteSheldon · 03/02/2020 06:51

There's nothing wrong with you being single often just means you have higher standards. I was single for 16 years between kids dad and my now dh it got pretty shit at times but now look back with a lot of nostalgia to the freedom and choice.

bananaskinsnomnom · 03/02/2020 06:54

Hands up for another long term single over hear.....

I’m 32, been single near enough since uni, a couple of flings. Dating sights on and off - gave up after being stood up, asked for photos of my feet, multiple dick shots coming through. It’s hard to wade through the trash. Most of my friends have done it but only one has found their now husband through dating sights.....everyone else through friends basically.

I never used to accept myself for who I am. Even those I consider my best friends would tell me “well if you just did this instead....” “you need to flaunt yourself more”! “Don’t tell them you like that” “you shouldn’t wear your trackers playing play station with your male friends because they just think you’re one of them” (I used to do this with my male housemates at uni)

This is the thing, I have (and had) guy friends - my married friends mostly haven’t. One of them said flat “I’ve never been friends with a guy I’ve only slept with them or gone out with them” - clearly this is where I’ve gone wrong. I’m not seen as a girlfriend I’m seen as a friend.

I’m still not overly confident about who I am. I have however come to the realisation that you only live once and don’t know what’s round the corner. So I’m gonna just do what I do, keep living my life as a single and see what happens.

I don’t want to just settle in fear of being alone. Have witnessed the disastrous results of this in my friends.

BorneoBabe · 03/02/2020 07:07

YANBU to lie. Some people do judge. I was single for over a decade at one point and It wasn't worth the hassle to tell and deal with unwanted pity.

Especially when in fact I pitied them for settling for a shit partner.

URPS · 03/02/2020 07:32

I'm proud of my single times (7 and 5 years) because I got to know myself very well and didnt settle for the first guy who came along.

Its empowering and nothing to be ashamed of.

LividLaughLovely · 03/02/2020 07:56

Was single for 11 years after a REALLY bad marriage.

Thought for sure that was it for me. Gave up completely.

Met my husband and was married after six months.

I NEVER believed I'd be that person. I'd read stories like this and scoff. However, eleven years of being single meant I knew what I didn't want (nearly everybody!) and knew I'd found the right man very very quickly. It was just entirely different with him. If I hadn't found him, I'd have stayed single for sure.

Etinox · 03/02/2020 08:05

What do I think when I meet long term singletons? That they have high standards and good self esteem. It’s really not that hard to get into a relationship in you have neither.

ForalltheSaints · 03/02/2020 08:07

I was for many years because I have standards and would rather be in no relationship than a bad one. Nothing for the OP to be ashamed of, though sadly some do judge or make assumptions.

FredaFox · 03/02/2020 08:12

Same here, I’ve dated but not for a few years now.
I do think my weight puts people off (size 20/22)
I would like someone to share my life with but I’m a carer for my mum so have some baggage now (I guess some would see it as this I don’t)
I’ve tried online dating recently again, no dates, most of the men my age (early 40s) do not look my age, they look haggard! I guess the good ones are gone!

ShatnersWig · 03/02/2020 08:17

Funny, isn't it? On the Relationship board, if a man has been long term single like this it's apparently a huge red flag as it means there must be something wrong with them, or they are commitment phobic. So I get where you are coming from OP.

ChrissieKeller61 · 03/02/2020 08:19

I think I may have final found the one after 7 years of looking but I would have waited and waited for the right one. Fingers crossed this one works out, he is literally everything off my wish list and I wouldn’t have accepted any less.

MyuMe · 03/02/2020 08:22

Me too OP.

One 18 month relationship in about that long and a few short terms.

I'm fussy and I won't settle. Based on the divorce I'm starting to see in my age group and you realise the problems were always there and they settle for it, it's wise.

JacquesHammer · 03/02/2020 08:24

I’ve been single for 6 years, wont ever have another relationship again. Totally by choice.

I’m not embarrassed by being single. I’m embarrassed that we live in a society that places such value on coupledom that people feel “lesser” because they’re single.

SunOnAll · 03/02/2020 08:25

Honestly if think you hadn't met the right person for you yet, or that you choose to be single. No judgement at all.

My friend was single from age 20 to 39. Then she met a guy in a bookstore and within 6 weeks they moved in together! They're so happy.

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