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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be embarrassed being single for 12 years?

69 replies

happyandsingle · 03/02/2020 00:32

Apart from some random dates and a breif 4 month fling that's how long I've been single for.
When people ask me how long I've been single I always lie for fear of being judged.
I'm pretty average looking and been on/of dating sites but just not found the one.
What would you think about a person that had been single that long?

OP posts:
WildRosie · 03/02/2020 08:26

I've been single my entire life and I've just turned 49. No casual flings, not one date, no sex. Nothing. I don't know what other people make of that but there's not a day my continuing singledom isn't lurking in my thoughts. Perhaps I've been really unlucky ? Such is life. Male, if it's significant.

VettiyaIruken · 03/02/2020 08:27

I'm really sorry you feel embarrassed, there is no need to be. There is nothing wrong with being single at all and anyone who thinks there is is a prat. The only person whose opinion matters is you.

If people ask how long, laugh and say not bloody long enough!

Toomboom · 03/02/2020 08:29

I have been single for 12 years too. Never occurred to me to be embarrassed about it. Would be nice to have some company now and then and a hug [ I do miss that ], but I really can't imagine someone being in my life again, I feel I a far too independent now.

LeoTimmyandVi · 03/02/2020 08:30

I have been single for 12 years, since my children were 3 and 1. I go long periods with it not even crossing my mind, then some times thinking about it. I dabbled a bit in online dating back near the beginning, but hated it.

I very rarely get asked about my relationship status now, and I just can’t see it ever happening. Luckily, I am also super introverted so enjoy time on my own.

JRUIN · 03/02/2020 08:52

I've been single for about 10yrs OP, and I'm more than happy to 'admit' that to anyone who asks because I'm a proud, independent woman who doesn't need a man to feel validated and so won't settle for just anyone.

Reginabambina · 03/02/2020 08:54

This is quite normal for men, I don’t see why it should be any different for women. I’d rather be single than have a relationship with someone I wasn’t really into for the sake of it.

Satsuma2 · 03/02/2020 09:10

I have been single for longer than you by choice. When bastard exh and I separated ( and eventually divorced) my children were both under ten. I didn't have the time, money or inclination to get back out there. I didn't, and still don't, trust myself as I have been involved with truly awful men. Which surprises me and my friends as in day to day life I can spot a weirdo straight away, often months before everyone else can see their real personality. I am happy being single, I don't want anyone else messing up my life, I can do that myself!🤣

ShatnersWig · 03/02/2020 09:10

Regina Is it really quite normal? You've got two of us on this thread who've been single over 10 years but have to say I only have two single male friends, and neither of them have been single for longer than 2 years and even in that time there have been flings or dates.

In my case, I never wanted children and that, for me, also means I don't want to be stepparent, so that's inevitably turned my dating pool into a dating puddle. No, actually, it's like a dating single drop from a tap.

And, as I said, in the Relationships board, a long-term single man is regarded as a red flag.

JacquesHammer · 03/02/2020 09:35

Oh come on ShatnersWig - the attitude to single men and single women in reality is very different.

As an aside the Relationships board isn't a homogenous mass of opinion so ascribing viewpoints thereto doesn't really work.

ShatnersWig · 03/02/2020 10:11

Jacques No indeed, but I do find it interesting how different the same basic topic can be from board to board. It's very refreshing to see long-term singledom regarded so positively on here.

PumpkinP · 03/02/2020 10:23

I’ve been single for 3 years and everyone makes
Out like I’m some kind of lost cause because of it so I can see why you lie or feel embarrassed so yanbu

Notcontent · 03/02/2020 10:30

I have also been single for a really long time. I have been a lone parent ever since DC was baby so I never felt I had the opportunity to meet anyone as I have either been at work or parenting. I am not embarrassed but sometimes feel a bit sad that things turned out this way.

IslandTulip · 03/02/2020 10:34

I'm a widow. The Queen Mother was single for 50 years after she was widowed. I plan to follow her lead. I'll be 97 by then

wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 03/02/2020 10:37

I started seeing a lovely new man last summer. He was single 17 years before we met.

QuietCrotchgoblins · 03/02/2020 10:46

I might wander why they have been single for so long. In the same way I might wander why on earth someone has married someone they do don't seem suited too etc. Not in a judgemental way, just curiosity.

Original poster
happyandsingle · 03/02/2020 11:30

Thanks for the positive replies just feel society would judge as it's not really the norm to be single for so long is it?

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 03/02/2020 11:31

Not everybody finds the right relationship, and being single is a thousand times better than being stuck in a miserable one.

vodkaredbullgirl · 03/02/2020 11:35

Single for 10 yrs, not embarrassed at all.

JRUIN · 03/02/2020 11:41

Thanks for the positive replies just feel society would judge as it's not really the norm to be single for so long is it?

No unfortunately the 'norm' seems to be that lots of people stay in unhappy relationships for fear of feeling like a failure, being lonely or just because they don't value themselves enough to know that they deserve better. Fuck the norm I say!

AryaStarkWolf · 03/02/2020 11:46

Don't be embarrassed about it. I don't think most people would think too deeply about it

JacquesHammer · 03/02/2020 11:53

Not everybody finds the right relationship

I think that's playing into the narrative - you're implying that being single is simply whats left when someone can't find a relationship. An awful lot of people don't want one in the first place.

Singledom can be an active choice, not a passive result.

MyuMe · 03/02/2020 11:56

Based on the threads it looks as though being single is easier

Bibijayne · 03/02/2020 12:02

Until I started dating my husband, I'd only had one relationship - that was only 3 months long. I'd had a fling here and there. I had a gap of five and half years between sexual partners at one point. It wasn't intentional, I just wasn't in a position to date much (demanding, shift based job). I was also wary of messing up potential friendships. Around 29 something shifted mentally. I felt secure in myself and I wanted to reprioritise my life so I had more life in the work-life balance see-saw. I took a year out to study a masters and refocused.

My husband and I started dating shortly after I turned 30 and I had handed my dissertation in. We got engaged two years later. Married just under a year after that and had our son - who is now a toddler - a year later.

My husband, who had been a friend for over a decade, had been in a similar dating boat to me. Lots of unsociable work/ travel abroad etc.

I don't think it's a red flag for men or women on it's own. I always found serial relationships more worrying (6-18 months, short gap, 6-18 months etc .) As it can be a sign of getting cold feet when a relationship gets serious/ honeymoon period is over.

But everyone has their own red flags. I think I'd skirt around it if going on dates/ dating websites.

HaudMaDug · 03/02/2020 12:08

Hi OP, I'm 45 now and have had 12 fabulous single years so far and intend to keep it that way. A few bad dates and a couple of 4 month relationships which I ended as they were cramping my style.
I've never been happier than I am now. Fair enough I don't have children so I am care free. I enjoy eating out where and when I want, going to gigs I want to go to, getting in the car and just going to where I want, listening to the music I want. I never think twice what other people perceive of me. Frankly I don't care either.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Do not be embarrassed, head up, stand tall and be proud of your independence.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 03/02/2020 12:22

I think that they've got they're head screwed on right Grin

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