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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His selfishness or I’m hormonal

55 replies

Thetirednessisreal · 03/02/2020 00:15

Gggrrrr twin babies at 11 weeks

Looks like another night on the sofa for me with the babies as they are so unsettled. He is leaving for the morning for a min to fri course with work that lasts three weeks back on friday evenings.

I spent today in hospital getting tests done as I am unwell now it all turned out fine but I’m very very run down. He did his hobby and left the kids with his mum while I sat in hospital all morning and early afternoon then got home and he had to get packed for his course which took 2 hours so I sorted dinner and bath time for the kids. Finally sat down at 9 and the babies then wanted fed. He then said to me at 11 ‘I need to get to bed I’m up at 6am’ he seems to forget so am I as we also have a 6 year old so I have to do the school run. There’s no point telling me to sleep when the babies do as they don’t sleep Sad during the day just wee cat naps. I am exhausted, run down and so resentful that again he is away into our lovely bed and I’m out on the sofa watching tv to try and keep me awake with the babies. Aibu to think he is selfish tonight as he knows I’m not well

OP posts:
KatnissMellark · 03/02/2020 00:17

God knows who voted YABU as clearly he is a selfish shit. Why does it take him TWO HOURS to pack???

User12879923378 · 03/02/2020 00:24

Why isn't he on the sofa? It's not just outrageously unfair, it's not safe for you to try and effectively co-sleep on the sofa with them. I really feel for you.

Original poster
Thetirednessisreal · 03/02/2020 00:27

i Have them in their sleep pods it’s me that sleeps on the sofa not the babies 👶. Then spend the night alternating lifting and shushing them
Lol

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 03/02/2020 00:30

You are most certainly not being unreasonable. As previous poster said why 2 hours to pack? Probably had a nap whilst he was up in bedroom. Men are such morons sometimes. When he gets home on Friday I'd leave him in with the kids whilst you walk out the door saying your meeting with friends for dinner.

1Morewineplease · 03/02/2020 00:35

He was doing his hobby while you were in hospital???

Original poster
Thetirednessisreal · 03/02/2020 00:37

Yes I was only at a and e not admitted though thankfully. It was competition day at his hobby it couldn’t be missed. Needless to say I hate this hobby!!!! But he will never give it up

OP posts:
blueberrymuffin88 · 03/02/2020 00:40

Just unreal. If this was my husband he'd offer to sleep on the sofa without me even having to ask and he's up at 5am everyday. Really feel for you OP 😢

OlaEliza · 03/02/2020 00:46

Needless to say I hate this hobby!!!! But he will never give it up

Jfc. Give him up. He'll have to pull his weight when he has the kids during his access time and you'll get a break.

Why are you putting up with this??

anon2000000000 · 03/02/2020 00:48

Why are you letting this happen? You need to stand up for yourself.

2 hours to pack?

BohoBunney · 03/02/2020 00:52

It was competition day at his hobby it couldn’t be missed
It absolutely could have been missed you went to s&s for crying out loud! He should have dropped everything to be there for you! I broke my ankle last year and DP left work to come be with me. I was fine, not much pain and could have easily gotten a taxi home. But then my DP isn’t a completely selfish arsehole who only cars about himself. I’m sorry you’re in this position op but he’s not stepping up to the mark and he needs to be told or you need to leave.

Original poster
Thetirednessisreal · 03/02/2020 00:52

Anytime I try and talk to him about feeling tired he says that he is the same. We have been arguing a lot since the babies were born so this weekend because he was working I didn’t say anything about him not helping with the night feeds I can’t be annoyed with the arguing. When it comes to his hobby he has done it years from before he met me. Tbh I felt a little lonely in the hospital today my eldest was with his dad and he (my ex) text me asking if I needed anything (my ex who cheated on me and treated me like crap actually did ‘more’ for me today than my partner who I meant to love me)

OP posts:
BohoBunney · 03/02/2020 00:53

S&S?? A&E*

OlaEliza · 03/02/2020 00:55

When it comes to his hobby he has done it years from before he met me

He didn't have kids then, did he?

OlaEliza · 03/02/2020 00:56

We have been arguing a lot since the babies were born so this weekend because he was working I didn’t say anything about him not helping with the night feeds

His mission is complete, it seems.

Original poster
Thetirednessisreal · 03/02/2020 00:58

Well he had his eldest who is 11...but granny minded him while he did his hobby. And his solution to me asking him to cut down his hobby is to get his mum to mind the kids which obv isn’t the correct solution. But it’s like talking to a brick wall I tried talking to his mum about it but she just said he needs to wind down from his stressful job. I’m back to work in 8 weeks full time mon to fri so will be interesting to see if I am deserving of proper sleep then

OP posts:
CalishataFolkart · 03/02/2020 01:01

“I was only at A&E.”

Oh mate...

BlokeTarget · 03/02/2020 01:13

Get him to quit his job entirely so you can get some proper sleep.

You can then apply for universal credit and both spend your days sharing the baby duties between you.

When one is tired, they goto sleep then the other parent is awake and feeding the babies etc. ( assume not BF )

Also don’t forget on top of UC you can get more money childcare vouchers and tax credits.

Just make sure you empty any savings accounts/ sell car first.

Hubby will def have to give up his honny then as you’ll have no car or no income to pay for it.

But you’ll be sorted with hubby home all the time helping out Smile

If all that seems ridiculous - and impossible you even entertain, do you think hubby could quit his job and be a SAHP whilst
You work full time?

You’d barely see your babies of course: but you’d have more time to sleep.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/02/2020 01:14

I'm glad you're ok, but I am also thinking its actually a shame you werent admitted so he got a taste of your life.

You need to get yourself some outside help ASAP. There is no way you can get back to work like this.

For a start he needs to be told that its strictly 50/50 from now on, work and "off" time, otherwise you are not going back to work and he can shoulder the financial burden while you shoulder the domestic one.

Then go back over the last month and add up how many hours you have each had off, show it to him and ask if he can possibly justify him having his hobby time when you get none.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/02/2020 01:16

By "outside help" I meant relationship counselling by the way.

FlowerArranger · 03/02/2020 01:19

I’m back to work in 8 weeks full time mon to fri so will be interesting to see if I am deserving of proper sleep then

You are totally exhausted, having just recently given birth to twins, and you are planning to go back to work full time after just 4 months?

Why? This is insane.

Original poster
Thetirednessisreal · 03/02/2020 01:31

I earn the most and I’m already down to half pay we can’t afford me to take anymore time off

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 03/02/2020 01:33

You cant afford the sleep debt either. Something has to give.

OlaEliza · 03/02/2020 01:37

Something has to give. Someone has to step up. Fixed that for you 👍

BiscuitBean · 03/02/2020 01:38

The fact you try to justify it by saying it was 'just A&E' breaks my heart for you OP. That's so not ok...I don't have any advice further to what PP's have already offered but I couldn't just read and run.

Flowers
timeisnotaline · 03/02/2020 01:39

You earn the most? Promise us that you will : next Friday when he walks in have a list of where the babies are at and walk out. Go to a friends and nap. Then brainstorm your return to work. Give him some options- each of you do half of each night? Each alternate nights making sure you do 3 work nights one week and he does 3 the next? Make it clear that if you’re ‘off duty’ you get the bed and he can’t come in, or the babies will wake and he won’t and you will have to get up. Don’t hesitate to say to him this rule is needed because you’ve been an arsehole to date and I don’t trust you to care for me so I have to make sure I care for myself, god knows you look after yourself pretty bloody well. (I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t really have to go on this course but jumped at it because it’s more fun than coming home to baby twins)