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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His selfishness or I’m hormonal

55 replies

Thetirednessisreal · 03/02/2020 00:15

Gggrrrr twin babies at 11 weeks

Looks like another night on the sofa for me with the babies as they are so unsettled. He is leaving for the morning for a min to fri course with work that lasts three weeks back on friday evenings.

I spent today in hospital getting tests done as I am unwell now it all turned out fine but I’m very very run down. He did his hobby and left the kids with his mum while I sat in hospital all morning and early afternoon then got home and he had to get packed for his course which took 2 hours so I sorted dinner and bath time for the kids. Finally sat down at 9 and the babies then wanted fed. He then said to me at 11 ‘I need to get to bed I’m up at 6am’ he seems to forget so am I as we also have a 6 year old so I have to do the school run. There’s no point telling me to sleep when the babies do as they don’t sleep Sad during the day just wee cat naps. I am exhausted, run down and so resentful that again he is away into our lovely bed and I’m out on the sofa watching tv to try and keep me awake with the babies. Aibu to think he is selfish tonight as he knows I’m not well

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 03/02/2020 01:42

I didnt need it fixing thank you.. I thought it was perfectly obvious that the "thing" that must give is the hobby and the selfishness.

timeisnotaline · 03/02/2020 01:52

We can’t afford you to not work sounds like ‘we’ need to reassess roles, you can’t afford to work if he isn’t pulling his weight. You might have to table you can’t go back to work unless he’s doing some nights of parenting a week and you will just have to cut the budget drastically- farewell hobby.
I know I just posted twice but I’m so mad for you!

DonKeyshot · 03/02/2020 02:25

Are you married to this entitled arsewipe, OP?

Don't bother involving his mother in this. She raised him and she is continuing to enable him.

Shev1996 · 03/02/2020 02:29

Is his hobby CrossFit? Are you a CrossFit widow? Just asking as it seems like a common theme!

Brusselsprouts21 · 03/02/2020 02:37

Shock him and start your own hobby and leave him for a few hours a week doing your own thing. He needs to be more involved and also still be able to do his hobby as long as it didnt have a negative impact on family life. He won't appreciate anything you do for the kids until he has to do it all himself. As for leaving you when you needed to go to a&e, he needs to seriously rethink what is important here. You need to remind him that if your that unwell you cant function, he will need to massively step up with looking after the kids. His life hasn't changed by the sounds of it but yours has. That is the biggest problem here.

theThreeofWeevils · 03/02/2020 03:23

But you’ll be sorted with hubby home all the time helping outSmile
When you have reached the far side just keep going, eh?

Fuckwit.

cordeliavorkosigan · 03/02/2020 03:43

Sarcasm, mind... Re above.
OP he sounds selfish. Agree, head to a friend's, get sleep, then talk equal time off from work&babies, so add up the hobby hours and tell him what evenings/nights you'll be out.

InionEile · 03/02/2020 03:49

Another prick who is too lazy to parent the children he brought into the world and thinks maternity leave is some kind of holiday camp for mothers rather than a vital time needed for recovery and bonding. Men like that seem ten a penny on here: love to procreate, hate to parent or do much of anything other than what suits them.

Sadly your prick is also so lazy he can’t even earn enough to support you. His job is clearly not that important to the family finances so why is he prioritizing it by going off on a 3 week training when you need him most? He needs a reality check. And you’ll have to give it to him or things will only get worse when you return to paid work.

Yeahnah2020 · 03/02/2020 05:05

He’s a selfish prick and you know it. Put your foot down otherwise it will never change

HappyDinosaur · 03/02/2020 05:26

He is being ridiculous. Two people made the babies, they have two parents, theredore two people need to share the workload - you and him. Hobby doesn't have to stop forever, but nothing major will happen if he pauses or cuts down for several months, I guarantee it. It also sounds as though this would be good for finances. Furthermore, I know it's for work, but I honestly don't think my husband would have left me to sort all of it alone for this long at such an early stage, it sounds like he's shirking. You need to tell him he has no choice but to share the responsibility, not spend two hours packing work clothes. Children and you must come before whatever hobby he's hiding behind.

OhioOhioOhio · 03/02/2020 05:30

I had one of those. Get rid.

Daftodil · 03/02/2020 05:32

When it comes to his hobby he has done it years from before he met me.

And? I used to fit into a size 10 - things change after you have kids!

PowerslidePanda · 03/02/2020 05:39

Furthermore, I know it's for work, but I honestly don't think my husband would have left me to sort all of it alone for this long at such an early stage

My twins are 2 weeks older than yours, OP, and my DH also has to work away sometimes. He told them that for the 3rd trimester and first few months, he wouldn't be able to travel, and they were fine with it. I know he's lucky to have an understanding employer, but has your DH made any effort to try and reschedule his course til your babies are older? Or at least line up some support for you while he's away?

kiaorasvetlana · 03/02/2020 05:42

Clearly his hobby is being a dick of the highest magnitude. Read him the riot act OP, they are his children all of the time and not just when he feels like it.

SinkGirl · 03/02/2020 05:49

Oh OP this makes me really angry. We have twins and although my DH is far from perfect, he would never behave like this - he wouldn’t go off on three week long courses unless his job depended on it, he wouldn’t religiously do a hobby all the time (we have twins so obviously we have no time for hobbies), he definitely wouldn’t be off duty all day the day before he went away.

Move back into the bedroom with the twins. He helps during the night. You have two babies, doing it alone is going to break you.

Unless you can afford to hire in some help, you can’t manage to do all this and work full time. You’re going to end up completely breaking down and then he will have to do everything.

On weekends he needs to take over and give you a break so you can get some rest.

ButtonandPickle19 · 03/02/2020 05:51

People on here get all excessively angry and unhelpful Crown Hmm

I agree he is being selfish and I can only imagine twins is utterly exhausting! It’s not so bad in the night if you have the support in the day. DS is 15 weeks and DH is fab during the evening and weekends but I let him sleep every work night. During the day he needs to take them pressure off when he can. You need to start to say no and insist on some you time.

If they can be left I would also suggest a date night, even if you are tired, if you are fighting a lot and miserable you maybe need to reconnect up.

Cries of LTB and he’s a cunt are unhelpful. You have two lovely babies with him, so you must love him and things are just going off course. Babies do that!

HugeAckmansWife · 03/02/2020 07:03

Date night?? At 11 weeks pp and with twins? Yes absolutely, a takeaway and Netflix wil solve everything. [hmmm]. I agree that there are options before LTB and I agree that longer term its important for parents to remember they are also a couple but right now he needs a reality check and the op needs to seriously think about workable logistics for her return to work. If it really has to be so soon, it does, but he will have to take on a an appropriate share of the parenting, including overnights and the hobby may just have to cut down or go for a while at least.

FlowerArranger · 03/02/2020 08:33

@HugeAckmansWife

THIS ^^

And especially THIS:

he will have to take on a an appropriate share of the parenting, including overnights and the hobby may just have to cut down or go for a while at least.

I went back to work quite soon after havging twins, and it is EXHAUSTING in a way I could not previously have imagined.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 03/02/2020 09:13

He is obviously a selfish prick. When he's back at the weekend you need to first give him all kids to look after all day while you sleep then have a serious talk about him stepping up and acting like a dad.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 03/02/2020 09:14

People with three kids, two of them tiny babies just don't have much time for hobbies. He should have thought of that before having kids!

RainbowAlicorn · 03/02/2020 09:36

Yeah the hobby has to go, at least for a while until the babies are older. He can't expect everything to be the same as it was before having a baby, especially with twins.

Trahira · 03/02/2020 09:45

He is a selfish man who only cares about himself Sad

BlingLoving · 03/02/2020 09:51

This actually makes me incredibly sad. I am not sure what solution there is but do agree that when he's back on Friday you need to hand off the babies and go sleep. Because with a clear head maybe you can think.

Urkiddingright · 03/02/2020 09:55

Ahh men with ‘hobbies’ are the worst. Such a selfish prick, who takes two hours to pack as well?!

BoxyLoxy · 03/02/2020 10:03

Why all the mystery around the "hobby"?! it's always cycling