To now drop this person as a friend?

[Drowningmysorroes]

Invited a friend to brunch, it had already been paid for and wouldn’t have cost them anything.

I asked them multiple times to confirm they were still going, said if you’re not then that’s fine but let me know as I can ask someone else.

They didn’t even bother to show up or let me know. I text them and they read it and didn’t even respond.

I had a few people text me. I read then but wasn’t up to replying.

It’s far more likely the friend is just flaky but I’d still say it’s better to get all the facts before wasting any mental energy getting annoyed.

• They only considered you to be a colleague

Ok cool, but then don’t agree to go in the first place?

• Why didn’t I ask someone else

.. so we had the table booked from 2-4. So waited until 2:15 to give the no show the benefit of the doubt. So for me to invite another person they would have to firstly read the text or answer the phone straight away, have no plans, have no child or pet care issues, get ready, then have to wait for a bus/taxi, then travel to the venue to get there for a time to make it worthwhile even bothering to come. Seemed pretty unlikely to me.

• They have anxiety and depression

I have both these and yes it makes even getting out of bed a big task sometimes. I’ve never used it to excuse bad behaviour though.

Honestly a text the night before or even the morning of to say - I’m not coming would have been fine.

Its rude and she either doesn’t consider you a friend or generally has no manners. Either way I’d stop bothering with her.

Ignore all the obtuse “why didn’t you x y z?” Op. I’m never ceased to be amazed at the way some people on here are desperate to “blame” the op for others very shabby behaviour.

did they say they would go before they didn't show? If so, I would drop them. If not, I wouldn't have given them so many chances if they hadn't got back to me- I would have already invited somebody else after asking twice.
Either way, they are rude- drop them.

Yes they said they were going.

Why did you keep asking whether she was definitely coming and telling her it's fine if not, then you'll invite someone else? I wouldn't feel very welcome if someone kept saying that.

I have anxiety and if my coworker kept questioning if I was coming or not, and if I didnt want to it was okay and they would invite someone else, to mean they didnt really want me there. Although I would have let them know "I couldnt make it". I don't think I've seen an answer to why you repeatedly asked them/told them this. It really is an odd thing to say to someone over and over if they have already said they were going.

She said yes, I sent her the menu etc and asked her a few more times inbetween are you definitely coming. I also said it’s fine if you don’t want to but let me know as I can invite someone else. As it was already paid for then it seemed wasteful to not.

OP, why did you keep asking her if she was definitely going? Is she in the habit of agreeing to attend something and then not showing up?

Unless this person had a genuine emergency, I just wouldn’t extend any further invitations. One of my friends does have serious depression and is taking care of her father, who has dementia. She drops off the radar for weeks at a time. We’re patient with her and when she does commit to come, she either reliably shows up or lets us know in time that she can’t make it after all.

Oh my goodness. I asked the initial time.

Then double checked nearer the time as it was booked a month in advance.

Then just the day before. In a casual - see you tomorrow?

I work with them so spend 40 hours a week with this person. Pretty easy and normal for this to come up in conversation.

Not like I was constantly texting saying - ARE YOU COMING?!?! every single day.

Well, there is a difference between "can't wait for our day out, will be so much fun" (which gives an opening if they need to cancel) and "Are you still planning to come, because if not it's okay and i can ask someone else" That 2nd message would say to me "they dont want me to come"

I’d ask if they were planning to come, if not I can ask someone else if they hadn’t confirmed. Nothing to do with not wanting them there! Why would I have asked them in the first place if I didn’t want them to come???

I'd be tempted to give them some flowers and a 'with sympathy' message. When she asks you why say that you thought she must have had a bereavement to have just not turned up to your lunch.

She’s rude. You did nothing wrong. Just take a step back. But let us know if she comes up with an excuse!

She is extrememely rude unless she has a really good reason when you see her. I would hear her out first but chances are she is just a crap friend

After more info provided, I believe she was very rude. She accepted, even saw a reminder and still chose to not turn up and not respond.
Even with anxiety/emergency/illness etc, I believe a text ( especially when noted as seen) at the very least to update/explain/decline at short notice, should have been done.
Personally I would avoid her as much as you can whilst both at work and keep conversation when absolutely necessary curt.
As I've got older, my tolerance for ignorance is nada/zilch/niente.
Flowers for you OP

Have you had to see her at work today @Drowningmysorroes? How did it go?

Hope you blanked her with your head held high

Hope you blanked her with your head held high

Pretty much. No acknowledge, hello and definitely no apology was even attempted.

So neither of you even mentioned it? She's very strange.