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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To now drop this person as a friend?

96 replies

Drowningmysorroes · 02/02/2020 11:18

Invited a friend to brunch, it had already been paid for and wouldn’t have cost them anything.

I asked them multiple times to confirm they were still going, said if you’re not then that’s fine but let me know as I can ask someone else.

They didn’t even bother to show up or let me know. I text them and they read it and didn’t even respond.

OP posts:

Greenwingmemories · 02/02/2020 13:08

Cheesypea, yes but when you realised, didn't you apologise profusely? Also were your drinks paid for up front? If not you're not wasting something that could have benefited someone else.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 02/02/2020 13:11

Ask tomorrow 'are you/things ok?'
Let ger respond.
If nothings clearer something like 'i thought you were joining us for brunch?'
There may be a misunderstanding.
Give loads of space for her to speak.
If nothing clearer after all that...
Just exit the conversation.
And reduce the relationship to not making plans or invites.
Be easy about it.
Minimise your own discomfort.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2020 13:14

I was suppost to go for drinks on friday and forgot- hopefully im forgiven.

How is that relevant to the OP's situation?

Unless you too, ignored all texts you were sent, asking if you'd be going?

VettiyaIruken · 02/02/2020 13:18

Very rude of her.

Is it at all possible that when you asked her a few times are you sure you want to come, it's ok if not, I can invite someone else...

That they interpreted that as you not really wanting them to come after all (so you can invite the other person) and felt anxious/unwelcome.

In all likelihood she is just plain rude but it is possible she totally misunderstood and thought you were trying to invite her.

If she thought that she should have taken you up on it of course, but people often don't do the most sensible thing.

VettiyaIruken · 02/02/2020 13:19

Uninvite, that should read

MuchBetterNow · 02/02/2020 13:19

Every thread like this trots out the “maybe they have depression/anxiety” line. Even if you’re suffering with either or both it’s not an acceptable way to treat people and as a sufferer of severe anxiety in the past I do know what I’m talking about.

Some people are just selfish and rude.

I used to work with a woman who mucked people about with social invitations all the time and she’d tell ridiculous lies and tall stories about why she’d been a no show. She’ in her late 60s so should have known better.

Some people are entitled cunts, they eventually run out of friends to let down.

Beautiful3 · 02/02/2020 13:30

Awful behaviour, so rude of them. Never invite them again. It's someone you work with too, how awkward.

Knittedfairies · 02/02/2020 13:30

I'd keep my powder dry until I heard her side of the story.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/02/2020 13:32

I would never contact them again. They were unforgivably rude. Absolutely no excuse for that. They are not a friend, sorry OP.

This!

It is bloody bad-mannered. It cost you both money and time that could have been better used - and leaves you feeling like shit because someone you liked enough to invite for a meal doesn't even consider you enough to cancel or apologise.

Don't bother with her - she's a cowbag.

ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 13:33

Delete and block I guess.

WellHolyGodMiley · 02/02/2020 13:36

They met you MORE than half way dropping you as a friend.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/02/2020 13:38

You said you asked her "a couple of times if she was definitely going". What made you do this?

I would have just assumed that if someone said "yes" they'd come - though I might have said something like "I'm really looking forward to our brunch on Whateverday. I love food I don't have to cook myself - especially when there's a chance for a good natter as well." sort of thing, but I wouldn't keep asking for confirmation of attendance.

Does she have a reputation for flakiness? Orhas she let you down before?

Ninkanink · 02/02/2020 13:51

When she didn’t reply you should have gone ahead and invited someone else.

And yes, she isn’t a friend and you should act accordingly.

MimiLaRue · 02/02/2020 13:57

Drop them and dont make any arrangements with them in future. Cant stand flaky friends

Hotseat · 02/02/2020 14:26

How long have you been friends? I suffer from depression and find it really difficult to leave the house about 70% of time. I am on 50mg anti depressants per day, most of my family/friends have no clue. I am very good at hiding it, always up for a laugh etc. But I do flake on a lot of things, sometimes I just cannot face people. I am terrified if that someone will say something nice or not so nice which may cause me to burst into tears. I would feel so ashamed if this happened so easier to not go. Sometimes I lie and say I'm ill, sometimes I don't reply at all. I have great friends who have put up with me for better or worse. Maybe worth thinking about, but your call.

Greenwingmemories · 02/02/2020 14:57

Hotseat sorry about your depression/anxiety, it seems really debilitating. But wouldn't it be better to be honest with your friends? I'd much prefer to know if that's why someone flaked out often than to just think they didn't like me enough.

And I'm sorry but I don't think it's acceptable to just not turn up when people are expecting you. Especially if it's like the OP's situation where it was paid for in advance. The friend didn't even have to make an excuse , she could have just said that something cropped up and she couldn't make it. Or maybe it's best to not agree to things like this that would actually put out the person making the invitation and stick to more fluid arrangements if you think you might flake.

Anything else is just rude and unfair on the OP.

lolalovesroses · 02/02/2020 15:03

I think she no longer wants to be your friend and this is her way of telling you. There's no way back from that behaviour and she must know it.Don't mention it again,just give a civil hello.If she doesn't mention it either or doesn't apologise profusely,you've been dropped.

TypingoftheDead · 02/02/2020 15:05

Agree, unless something happened and she had a genuine reason for not letting you know, it's rude and disrespectful, even worse because someone else could have joined you.
I've had 'friends' do stuff like this to me in the past, one time the other person even said they were still coming the night before (came up in general conversation, not because I kept asking to make sure, though I can understand why you might do that), then they never turned up - no word of explanation until I asked them where they were (they'd made other arrangements...?!). I'm no longer friends with them.

puds11 · 02/02/2020 15:06

Be interesting to see what she has to say at work tomorrow!

Smotheroffive · 02/02/2020 15:08

So sorry to hear of your depression hotseat but its still rude to not let friends know that you are not turning up to a plan.

Its also I find a bit weird that 'friends' literally don't know you. I get that people don't want to suffer any stigma of mental health, but do you consider they would no longer be your friends? If so...?

Some groups are purely social/drinking/out groups and therefore noone much cares who comes or doesn't and doesn't want involvement further than that.

If you know you are flakey, for whatever reason, then don't commit to anything and take responsibility for your condition socially. Say you'll let.someone know if you can make it, and then theres less pressure on you, and honesty toward your 'friends'

PurpleDaisies · 02/02/2020 15:08

I missed a friend’s party because I had a miscarriage. She was livid with me and sent some horrible texts. Things haven’t been the same since.

Wait until you’ve seen her before getting angry. You don’t know what’s happened.

Smotheroffive · 02/02/2020 15:17

Thats so sad. I'm so sorry for your loss, and certainly if someone had texted that to me, or said that to me after such an experience obviously the meal fades into insignificance, but as everyone has been saying, it is only extreme circumstances that would mean you wouldn't be able to at least text!

OP also hasn't been sending repeated nasty texts, that was your 'friends' behaviour that was poor and gross.

Original poster

Drowningmysorroes · 02/02/2020 15:29

I also said it’s fine if you don’t want to but let me know as I can invite someone else. As it was already paid for then it seemed wasteful to not.

So why didn't you? I mean when she didn't reply the second time?

Maybe because we only had the table for 2 hours, and only found out they weren’t coming when they didn’t show up?

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 02/02/2020 15:37

Yes, agreed, I mean thats the thing about not replying. If you're a decent person you don't give someone like two minutes to reply then cut them out if they dont. Its reasonable to ask for a response either way so someone else can step up if not.

The other person knew this, and still decided not to reply, which is truly shit without very good reason

Nicolastuffedone · 02/02/2020 15:50

What’s the likelihood she’s had a miscarriage?? She read your text, a quick ‘sorry, won’t manage to come’ would’ve sufficed!

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