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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Demands for presents?

97 replies

Thecheekofit1 · 02/02/2020 09:55

Any idea for something to say to a nearly 7 yo relative (who gets spoiled by me anyway) I'm always buying her things and taking her places.

I'm getting rather tired of being reminded it's her birthday soon and I better get her some presents

For a start I've never not bought her anything for birthdays and Christmas.

I think it's very rude and I feel like telling her it is rude to ask for things.

I don't know but it is annoying she has been on about this since practically Christmas was over.

OP posts:

flouncyfanny · 02/02/2020 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaggleWiggle · 02/02/2020 16:33

She’s young but it’s definitely time for her to have the etiquette of presents explained to her. Just a gentle little explanation that we don’t tell people we want them to buy us things / request things without being asked.

I would tell her that when you were a little girl, you were taught to say ‘I’d like x gift ’ rather than ‘I want x gift’ - and only when you were asked first.

Urkiddingright · 02/02/2020 16:50

You should tell her it’s rude to demand presents and that she shouldn’t expect them, it’s ungrateful. I would also be informing her parents, I’d be mortified if my DC did this. She is 7 so will understand if you explain she is doing wrong.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/02/2020 16:51

OP I'm sorry you're experiencing this.. tbh it sounds like a nightmare, particularly as your Mum was such a vile person to you as a child, to then see her fawning over her grandchild playing the perfect doting Grandmother is sickening and upsetting. Your Mum is a hideous Fraud... a Liar.. a Hypocrite and clearly still bullies you.

I suggest .. for your own good... you do not engage with a 7 year old about her behaviour.. it is not your place to do this OP... this will set you immediately against every adult in the room.. I would also recommend quietly withdrawing your 'generous gifting' completely. The child has come to expect it.. and that's really not her fault ..

You need to change your response to her behaviour OP... don't challenge her.. because as I said they will all defend her... and you will appear to be bullying a child.. despite not doing so ...

When she asks for a gift... ask her Why? she'll say it's my Birthday soon.. then tell her Oh is it ? I'm not sure about that... make it a conversation .. a game almost.. without being confrontational.

There are people on here who way more experienced about this stuff OP... I'm sure someone will be along with better advice than mines.. but it's what I would do...

aSofaNearYou · 02/02/2020 17:16

As others say just stop the token gifts and scale back the christmas and birthday presents. We only buy one each for my partners niece and nephew and quite honestly I avoid watching them open them because they are so rude about gifts. They will literally open a present, barely look at it and say "is there more?" My step son is just the same.

I would probably put £10 in a card, since even the adults don't get anything for you and are rude about what you get her and how she reacts.

Gertrudesgarden · 02/02/2020 17:25

Does she thank you, nicely? Not prompted? If not, then a chat about manners is overdue. I stopped buying for friend's boys when they refuse to say thank you. In fact, I took the items back off them and gave the items to charity. Kids told me as I left that they HAD said thank you. To their mum, in the kitchen. Not to me. She thought that was OK. I disagreed. Never spent another penny on the brats.

NChangeForNoReason · 02/02/2020 17:40

I second the oxfam goat idea!!

Tolleshunt · 02/02/2020 17:52

Please don’t do the Oxfam goat. It would be incredibly cruel to her. Her lack of manners is down to her parents, not her.

aSofaNearYou · 02/02/2020 17:58

@Tolleshunt cruel to donate to charity? My whole family did that one year, hardly a had thing.

redwoodmazza · 02/02/2020 18:08

I would absolutely scale back my gifts to that demanding and manipulating little madam. Card and a voucher only from now on - until she learns some manners and humility.
But I am known as the wicked witch by my DH!

Tolleshunt · 02/02/2020 18:08

Don’t be silly, aSofa, you know full well i’m not saying it’s cruel to donate to charity, per se.

It would, however, be cruel to donate to charity instead of giving a present to a young child, and moreover, tricking said child into thinking she’s getting a present, only to open it and find its actually a present for someone else.

OP is perfectly well able to donate to charity any time she wishes, whether she wants to virtue-signal while doing it, or keep it without fanfare. It needn’t be a passive-aggressive act against a child when or if she does so. The two should be kept separate.

aSofaNearYou · 02/02/2020 18:18

I don't personally think it should ever be considered "cruel" for someone who is not a child's parent to not buy them a gift, it should only ever be a pleasant bonus if they do. Anything else is CFuckery. In any case, there's no need to trick the child. But there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying "I'll just be doing charity gift cards this year" without being considered cruel.

aSofaNearYou · 02/02/2020 18:21

When I was that age I was given school books for girls through Oxfam, so it was something I could personally relate to and feel good about donating in my name.

Kanga83 · 02/02/2020 18:26

Token gifts. My nearly 7 year old wouldn't dare (I flinch when she asks my mum for a magazine when they go out as they are rare treats). Colouring books, sticker books and writing books and some pens in my opinion is enough. It's all I ask godmothers to get and my girl knows to say thank you and smile, and she genuinely loves the gifts. I would go for those kind of gifts. It won't break the bank, the works is good for it and stick to that theme from now on. Perhaps point out with the nice writing book she can practise her handwriting in your thank you note.

Kanga83 · 02/02/2020 18:28

Or if you wanted to the charity gift, I absolutely loved my Sundance the Dolphin adoption pack I had as a child. It was with the WDCS and it was my highlight yearly for 10 years, but if there's a zoo near her maybe do one for there.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/02/2020 18:45

I think it is really harsh to say that @Thecheekofit1 is jealous of her niece because she is the golden grandchild or gets treated better than the OP did. It must be really hurtful to see a child getting away with behaviour that would have resulted in the OP being hit by her mum! Even as a one-off, it would be hurtful, but it sounds as if it is a pattern of behaviour from her mum - I can empathise with how she’s feeling.

I look back at my childhood, and my sister was definitely mum’s favourite, and got treated better than I did, always. I have done a lot of work (and taken a lot of antidepressants), but I still feel like that unhappy, ignored, second best child when I think about it, which is why I can empathise with the OP.

With regard to this specific issue, about demanding presents, I think the advice that’s been given here - to correct her, to say that, if she carries on being so demanding, she’ll get nothing (and follow through, if necessary), and scaling back on the things you already do for her - is good advice, OP.

Itwasntme1 · 02/02/2020 18:48

@Tolleshunt totally agree and get what you are saying.

Charity donations are not in the spirit of gift giving unless the recipient has requested it. A donation to charity makes the giver feel better about themselves, but in this case is unlikely to give any joy to the recipient.

Surely that goes against basic etiquette??

AlpacaGoodnight · 02/02/2020 19:14

I would be mortified if my daughter acted like that! In your shoes I would get 1 gift that you know she will like but tone down the extra things during the year (even though it is fun spoiling them occasionally!)

JigsawsAreInPieces · 02/02/2020 19:21

I was given a Bible from my parents for my 7th birthday.

I wanted a space hopper. I was given a space hopper but a week later because I had looked disappointed when I opened the present to find it was a Bible and I needed to learn gratitude.

TellMeItsNotTrue · 03/02/2020 00:17

I think the fact that she is whispering to you shows that she does know that it's wrong and that's why she is doing it out of earshot of your DS & DM. I think that's worse than her not being brought up with manners and not knowing right from wrong

I'd start loudly repeating everything so that your DM & DS know what's just been said... Again... And see if she's bothered or not. "Yes I know it's your birthday soon, it's on my calendar so I don't forget, and you reminded me last week" maybe show her a picture of your calendar "You want that toy, wow there is lots you want isn't there, you've already shown me 5 things today"

Any specific requests I'd reply with "I have already bought your birthday present but if DM or DS need ideas then DN has just told me she wants that toy" I'd just keep saying you've got her something until she gets bored, then between her birthday and Christmas I'd say something like "Don't be a silly Billy DN, it's a loooong time until Christmas, you might have changed your mind by then" or "well you'll have to work hard to stay on Santa's nice list and maybe he will bring it for you"

I wouldn't normally deflect the pressure on to other adults, but they don't see the harm in her doing it to you so I wouldn't have a problem seeing if their opinion changed when it's them expected to cough up! Also hopefully reduced the disagreement over what was said, as you can repeat it word for word at the time

BumbleBeee69 · 03/02/2020 20:10

how are you OP ?

mbosnz · 03/02/2020 20:13

Thems wot asks, don't gets.

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