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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Demands for presents?

97 replies

Thecheekofit1 · 02/02/2020 09:55

Any idea for something to say to a nearly 7 yo relative (who gets spoiled by me anyway) I'm always buying her things and taking her places.

I'm getting rather tired of being reminded it's her birthday soon and I better get her some presents

For a start I've never not bought her anything for birthdays and Christmas.

I think it's very rude and I feel like telling her it is rude to ask for things.

I don't know but it is annoying she has been on about this since practically Christmas was over.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thecheekofit1 · 02/02/2020 12:05

It sounds like you are really close to her, she absolutely knows you will get her an amazing present.

Exactly...so close. Which is why it hurt me. When the hell have I ever not helped her celebrate her birthday and got her something?! She doesn't need to warn me.

OP, do you have DC yourself? (I'm guessing not.) Because this is revealing.

No i don't but would have but for circumstances with relationships.

I know the childless are persona non Grata here but I joined for the relationships and non child areas for which most of the site is.

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 02/02/2020 12:09

Why can't you just be up front and direct about it? You will be doing her a favour. Every single time she is rude, tell her she is being rude. She doesn't seem to realise! And her parents are obviously of no use.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 02/02/2020 12:09

I don't know what relation this child is to you, but when I first had nieces and nephews I was massively excited and probably spoilt them a bit too much. They began to associate me with toys and clothes and sweets and it was putting pressure on my sister (their mum) as she couldn't match what I could buy and also other members of the family - like my brother who at that time was single and broke.

My sister had to have a chat with me and I cut it down and realised that what the children really wanted was time with me. So that's what I gave them. And I now I can't get rid of the buggers 😂

Drum2018 · 02/02/2020 12:12

Next time she says anything tell her if she doesn't stop asking for presents she won't be getting anything. Then if she doesn't shut up about it, follow through, don't buy her anything. If she does manage to stop hounding you then put a tenner in a card and continue to do that from now on.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 02/02/2020 12:18

You've got a family problem sorry.

Notso · 02/02/2020 12:20

Exactly...so close. Which is why it hurt me. When the hell have I ever not helped her celebrate her birthday and got her something?! She doesn't need to warn me.

Tell her that.
"Hey don't be cheeky! I know it's your birthday, you don't need to remind me. It's a bit rude to ask about presents, you're not rude are you..."

Original poster

Thecheekofit1 · 02/02/2020 12:25

@Chamomileteaplease I have dealt with her before. I am told not to be rude to her or called a liar.

She whispered it to me this time. My mum called me a liar and that she never said that. And if she does hear she excuses it.

OP posts:

Thingsthatgo · 02/02/2020 12:27

I think this is more about your relationship with you mum and sibling than with your niece. It’s not tricky to cheerfully help a 6 year old with their manners in a lighthearted way.

twoshedsjackson · 02/02/2020 12:29

PP's suggestion of an age-appropriate etiquette book is inspired, also altruistic presents like an Oxfam goat.
Why not turn the tables on her, by asking what she will do to celebrate your birthday? Given her age, a simple handmade gift would be appropriate; just a reminder that it is kind to acknowledge birthdays and the like. Does she know when your birthday is?

crustycrab · 02/02/2020 12:30

Oh dear, you're jealous of a 6 year old.

She's 6. When she says "you better get me presents" you tell her that's rude. Of course 6 year olds want everything they see, you know the advertising is aimed at making this happen?

crustycrab · 02/02/2020 12:31

"Why not turn the tables on her"

Are you seriously suggesting tit for tat with a 6 year old?

Original poster

Thecheekofit1 · 02/02/2020 12:31

@crustycrab lol.

Here we go. There is always one. I bet your kids are similar horrors at nearly 7

OP posts:

Tolleshunt · 02/02/2020 12:35

I think you need to untangle your issues with your mother (who sounds awful), with your issues with the child.

This behaviour doesn’t mean the child doesn’t love you, or only loves you for the presents. She has been conditioned to expect presents, through no fault of her own, and is not being guided into better behaviour and lower/less self-centred expectations.

She’s 7! Yes, old enough to know not to do this if she has been taught not to. But this child hasn’t been taught not to, has she? These things are not innate, they have to be modelled and taught. Try not to expect more of her than she can deliver at this age, and with her upbringing.

I can understand how hurt you feel in the light of your mother’s treatment of you. Have you ever tried talking to her about them?

crustycrab · 02/02/2020 12:35

"To see her with GC makes me ill. They can do no wrong and behaviour she would have hit me for goes ignored with her gc."

Ok then. If that's not jealousy then tell me what it is. Your issue is with your mother.

My kids are fine thanks, suckered in by tv advertising obviously but know their manners.

Formermousemat · 02/02/2020 12:37

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this.

Reading your OP and your replies to others, it seems to me that there is some really dysfunctional stuff going on in your family and I think you need to separate that stuff out from this child's behaviour.

I feel sorry for the child, because she is being guided by people who appear to be too lazy and indulgent to discipline her properly. That's not her fault and it would be best if you avoid directing your resentment towards her.

I understand that it must be hurtful to see her being spoilt by your Mum and also given the emotional support by her that you appear not to have received from her in your own childhood.

Perhaps it's time to create some distance between yourself and your Mum and Sister. I wouldn't be willing to hang out with family members who allowed me to be spoken to disrespectfully, even if it was by a child. Children do speak out of turn sometimes but they ought to be told off for it. Not have their behaviour excused or lied about.

I wonder if you've been the scapegoat in your family for a while now and this behaviour is being passed on to the next generation?

Marbu · 02/02/2020 12:37

Just tell her it's rude to ask for presents like that. Every single time she does it - tell her. It doesn't matter what your DM and the child's mother say.
I'd also cut back on the presents to Christmas and birthdays only.
I think you might have been buying her a bit too much.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 02/02/2020 12:40

You don't need to justify being on here. Many of us are also childless or childfree.

What that child is seeing is her mum and grandmother treating you like shit, so she thinks she can do the same. They are poor role models and while it would be good if you could stick around and have an influence over your niece, I do wonder how successful you would be as, and I'm guessing here, you frequently get reminded that you are childless and so your opinion doesn't count.

If it was me, I'm afraid I'd give them all a wide berth. I don't see how your mum and sister (?) enhance your life in any way.

Nishky · 02/02/2020 12:42

@Thecheekofit1 why so rude to @crustycrab

Streamside · 02/02/2020 12:47

Surely you're enabling her to behave like this and her parents obviously are using you. I'd be worried about how this level of selfishness will develop. Why not give her a gift voucher for £20 and be guided by the outcome. If she goes to university the costs will astronomical, put some money into an account for her.

BemidjiMinnesota · 02/02/2020 12:47

As other posters have said, the real issue is with your family. It sounds like your mum was harsh when you were growing up, now your niece is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. Out of interest, was your DSis, your niece's mum, the golden child when you were growing up?

You need to create much stronger boundaries with your family. You still seem to be interacting with your mum as parent and child, rather than as adults. The dynamic is of your mum being The Mum, your niece being The Child, and you being The Moody Teenaged Child. I'm assuming you are actually an adult here and not 16 years old!

Stop spoiling your niece (get her an Oxfam goat and an etiquette book as previous posters have suggested) and dont feel like you have to kowtow to your mum or tolerate her calling you a liar. The family has a toxic dynamic going on and it's best to stop playing your part in it.

yesteaandawineplease · 02/02/2020 13:00

I think your niece is still quite young and is just excited about her birthday.. absoluetly she is seems very spoilt. But she is learning how to converse in a more grown up way and children learn from trial and error. Error being key. When she asks for a gift, say kindly and simply how you feel... "I feel sad when you ask me for gifts. It makes me think you only like to see me when I get you something." Then lead her into more appropriate topics of conversation.how is school, hobby, friends etc etc.

Itwasntme1 · 02/02/2020 14:21

I donate a lot to charities but I have to say I really dislike altruistic presents unless the recipient has specifically asked for it.

Donate to a charity if you want to, but donations instead of a gift, especially for a child, feels mean spirited and virtue signalling at its worst. It will bring no please to this little girl, which is the point of giving a gift, and everyone will know you are doing it to make a point.

Also buying an etiquette book in these circumstances will also be seen as an insult. You will be starting a war over a childs present.

Don’t damage relationships over this.

FraglesRock · 02/02/2020 15:08

When she whispers to you, whisper back a response.

But back off with the pressies

Getitwright · 02/02/2020 15:18

Haven’t read all the posts, I admit, so apologies if this has already been suggested. If she gets a lot of presents like toys, clothes etc...why not start something really long term useful for her, and start her money education......open a savings account. You could get her a small item as well, but what you describe does sound like an over indulged child, and she could do so much more with her little savings account, maybe have horse riding lessons, or take up a sport, or start a nice hobby. My parents did this for us, with our Grand parents helping. We still got the clothes and the small presents, but we also got to choose exactly what we wanted to spend our money on. In later life, the savings really began to add up, and were the basis for a deposit on a house. Perhaps not quite as achievable nowadays......
.

PlanetSlattern · 02/02/2020 15:30

Yikes, I think horrors is a bit strong.

This is a poor show of manners from this little girl, but birthdays are so exciting at the age of seven (when you can clearly remember last year's and the anticipation is high, but you're perhaps not old enough to rein in your emotions).

You would be reasonable to explain that she's being rude. Maybe you could organise an afternoon together as a treat instead of giving a present (cinema, museum, tea at a cafe?). She might appreciate being treated like a "grown-up" and having some one-to-one time instead of more stuff.

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