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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Demands for presents?

97 replies

Thecheekofit1 · 02/02/2020 09:55

Any idea for something to say to a nearly 7 yo relative (who gets spoiled by me anyway) I'm always buying her things and taking her places.

I'm getting rather tired of being reminded it's her birthday soon and I better get her some presents

For a start I've never not bought her anything for birthdays and Christmas.

I think it's very rude and I feel like telling her it is rude to ask for things.

I don't know but it is annoying she has been on about this since practically Christmas was over.

OP posts:

AlwaysCheddar · 02/02/2020 10:32

I’d stop buying her things outside Christmas and birthday and cut her off if she asks. And I’d get smaller gifts too. She’s too old to be doing this, really rude.

Tolleshunt · 02/02/2020 10:33

It’s not her fault, by the sounds of it, it’s the family. If her mother and grandmother aren’t reinforcing good manners, and are actually reprimanding you when you try and help her learn basic politeness, the poor child hasn’t got a chance of learning how to behave.

I think I would always make sure to say something about it, starting in a jokey way, like ‘ooh, didn’t anyone tell you it’s rude to ask for presents?! I want doesn’t get, you know. You want to be careful in case you don’t get anything at all!’, and then if that doesn’t work to ramp it up and be more explicit. Sod your mother, she sounds like an eejjt who’s intent on spoiling the child. Do you really need to be so stung by what she says? I would just tell her straight she’s doing the child no favours if it was me.

I can see why you would want to step back, but it sounds like you are the only role model for good manners the child has, and if would be a pity to take that away from her.

Tolleshunt · 02/02/2020 10:34

Oops, meant to say that I would also scale back the extra presents as well. If you get anything, make sure it’s not every time you see her, and it’s only little things. Christmas and birthday proceed as usual.

AlexaShutUp · 02/02/2020 10:36

I would explain to her nicely the next time she says something that it really isn't polite to demand gifts in this way. Acknowledge that she may not realise that she is being rude but explain that it makes you feel like you don't want to buy her any presents in the future because you're worried that she is learning the wrong behaviour. Give her the opportunity to apologise for her rudeness if she feels inclined to do so.

If she apologises and refrains from making similar comments in the future, I'd go ahead and get her a nice present for her birthday. If she refuses to apologise or doesn't rein in her demands, I would explain nicely that you won't be buying for her again until she has learned some manners. If her parents and/or your mum object to this, remind them that it's your choice as to whether you buy anything and that, if they had addressed the issue sooner themselves, you wouldn't have had to make the point.

Original poster

Thecheekofit1 · 02/02/2020 10:39

It has created a sore spot for me because my mum was so harsh. The type to say if we didn't like our food (all kids have an off day) we were lucky we got anything, cooking things she knew I didn't like because of convenience and nothing short of very harsh words whenever she perceived I did something wrong.

To see her with GC makes me ill. They can do no wrong and behaviour she would have hit me for goes ignored with her gc.

OP posts:

Winterwoollies · 02/02/2020 10:40

That is one spoilt little girl. Take the opportunity to teach her a lesson.

Whynosnowyet · 02/02/2020 10:40

Find a story book about a bratty dc and get her that.

Cherrysoup · 02/02/2020 10:50

I've created it and not her parents when they buy her stuff to shut her up

Well, you’re definitely playing into it. See pp’s tale of looking forward to aunts coming round cos she’ll bring presents. Her expectation is that you give her stuff. Turn up without the constant gifts. Are you pandering to her parent’s expectations or trying to keep up/buy affection? (Sorry, don’t mean to be harsh, but ask yourself why you’re getting her so much stuff she now demands it)

I’m afraid I stopped buying for my nieces and nephews because I never got a thank you, not even an acknowledgement from them that they’d received it (sent from abroad) and of course, I never get a thing in return.

ginghamstarfish · 02/02/2020 10:54

Won't that little girl be a delight when she grows up? (not). You will be doing her a favour by stopping this rudeness, as it seems her parents can't be arsed or are like that themselves. Really, don't go along with it. I would give her a card and small token birthday present from now on, stop the other stuff altogether.

QueenofallIsee · 02/02/2020 10:58

Cut the random gift giving out completely and limit birthdays etc to a book, a fiver and maybe some sweets. No one can then accuse you of punishing her when her parents don’t consider it an issue but you keep it to simple things.

Itwasntme1 · 02/02/2020 11:03

I think you need to remember she is only six and clearly isn’t being corrected or guided properly by her parents. Some of the comments here are a bit harsh, and aimed at a child rather than her parents.

It sounds like you are really close to her, she absolutely knows you will get her an amazing present.

I think you say something like, I buy you presents because I love you very much and I enjoy seeing you happy. But I hope you know not to always expect things, and it is important you always remember to say thank you.

Then maybe you buy her an experience this year not actual gift. A day out just the two of you.

She will grow out of this, so try and handle it gently. And be careful, you are projecting you feelings about the adults around her onto her. I have seen adults take dislikes to children for this reason (and I have been that child) and it is really destructive.

DeludedMumofPFB · 02/02/2020 11:06

Stop buying her stuff and do things with her instead. We had this with DD (7) and MIL going over the top with gifts. DD has so many toys she doesn't know what to do with them, so now MIL takes her out for the day.

Get her a story about a zoo. Take her out to the zoo.
Give her a recipe book. Take her out for a cake.
Etc etc.

Branleuse · 02/02/2020 11:18

Tell her that its not the way to get presents from you, and that the whole idea of getting a present, is because the grown up wants to treat you, and they dont want to treat you if you keep demanding more. It makes them not want to get ANYTHING. You could even just say "if thats the way you ask, you wont be getting anything"

You dont have to be a kids parent to help shape them and give them advice. If you have a close enough relationship to be on present giving terms, then surely youre close enough to tell her to pack it in and stop demanding pressies as its rude.

It doesnt make her a bad kid either though. Shes clearly learned that if she asks enough, someone will give it, which is not her fault, but it can be a bit overwhelming if her parents havent managed to drum it into her and the rest of the family are not doing anything either except buying the presents.

CakeandCustard28 · 02/02/2020 11:30

I have someone like this! Expecting £60 trainers for their birthday. They’re getting £10 for their birthday.
You should do the same, cut back and teach her a lesson.

billy1966 · 02/02/2020 11:37

Cut the presents down and the inbetween gifts fully out.

I wouldn't want to be around a child like that.

I don't like the sound of your mother either.

Spend less time with them perhaps.

Misandra · 02/02/2020 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RuggerHug · 02/02/2020 11:39

Laugh and say 'oh I can't now, presents are meant to be a surprise, if you're expecting it then there's no point'

MulticolourMophead · 02/02/2020 11:40

And yes my birthday is like the Bermuda triangle. After all the engagement, wedding, baby gifts, christening gifts, I get the princely sum of sod all for Christmas and birthday as dont you know they have children now and they're only doing the kids.

OP, do you have DC yourself? (I'm guessing not.) Because this is revealing.

In families I know where they "only do the kids", the exception has always been that the sibling with no children gets a birthday/christmas present until they do have DC, then their DC are the recipients. Because it's otherwise deemed not a fair exchange.

Meanwhile, stop any presents outside birthday/christmas, don't go overboard for those present you do buy, etc, as already said.

BustedDreams · 02/02/2020 11:42

I’m guilty of over indulging nephews & nieces. With one niece in particular, it soon became an expectation without her developing any idea about reciprocity ... became very self centred, the world revolves around her without any consideration about other people or their feelings. This particular niece was also over indulged by her grandparents etc. Out of 6 nephew & nieces she was the only one to develop these negative traits. It’s an interplay between nature & nurture.

BustedDreams · 02/02/2020 11:44

Over time I started doing experiences with her rather than gift buy (she always got so much anyway).

opinionatedfreak · 02/02/2020 11:44

I stopped buying predictably for children when it became apparent that they were expecting too much & not being overly grateful.

I now buy wildly unpredictably - sometimes they won't get anything when I see them. Sometimes they will get a generous gift. Same for birthdays.

I've never done Christmas presents.

Floralnomad · 02/02/2020 11:52

It’s got nothing to do with the fact that you buy her stuff and take her out it’s either plain rudeness or the way she is being bought up. My dc are the only GC / nieces / nephews and were ( still are) completely over indulged by my dsis and my mum prior to her death and neither of them would ever have been that rude or asked for presents . I will also add that they are now adults and both prefer giving presents than receiving them .

Tinty · 02/02/2020 11:55

Actually OP I think this is more about your relationship with your DM and jealousy. You said your DM heard her DGD say you had better get a present then DM denied DGD said it. Then you say when you were a child DM made you eat things you didn’t like for convenience (for her), but she makes things DGD likes and spoils her.

You feel angry and jealous because DM is treating DGD like the golden child and spoiling her but she wasn’t like that with you.

I agree that DN is rude and spoiled but that is the adults fault you must keep calling her out on it. Can I just ask though, do you always buy her clothes? Most 7 years olds don’t want clothes. She pointed out toys she wanted on the TV and you bought her 3 items of clothes. Maybe she was disappointed, yes she was rude but maybe by the third present she was hoping it would be something she wanted not more clothes.

slipperywhensparticus · 02/02/2020 11:56

Pizza princess book? With a tshirt saying I want doesnt get

FraglesRock · 02/02/2020 12:03

We have family without children, they still get a present as they buy for our children.

Cut back. Pjs etc

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