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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take her phone?

84 replies

Fatasfooook · 01/02/2020 17:35

My 12 year old has her friend over to sleep for the night. My daughter has a phone but not a smart phone, she can text and phone - that’s it. Her friend has an iPhone, complete with all the apps, snapchat and tick tick etc.
Since she arrived the two of them have been glued to friends phone. I’m uncomfortable with this but am accepting it. My question is, when it comes to sleep time can I ask friend to leave her phone downstairs? We have a no devices in bedrooms overnight rule. I will tell friend where it is and she can get it if she needs it at any point. I won’t hide it. Just ask that it’s left in the living room overnight. Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

OP posts:

deareloise · 01/02/2020 20:07

I wouldn’t be happy with a parent removing my child’s phone without my prior knowledge.

Fridakahlofan · 01/02/2020 20:09

Yanbu! Remove the wretched thing!

Allshookup4 · 01/02/2020 20:09

Why @deareloise?

WanttogotoParis · 01/02/2020 20:09

Tricky one imo.

Yes on one hand it's the girls property etc, but on the other hand I'm not sure about letting young teens have unrestricted internet access throughout the night. Most of them have accounts for things like youtube, tiktok, Instagram etc. You are responsible for this girl while she's in your home.

I have an 11yo and each evening at bedtime his phone is left downstairs and I check it.

Might be worth just asking the parents beforehand what they do about phones overnight.

WanttogotoParis · 01/02/2020 20:15

I wouldn’t be happy with a parent removing my child’s phone without my prior knowledge.

This. imo, is everything that is wrong with today's entitled kids. You're entrusting a parent to look after your child, but don't want to play by their rules. We all survived without mobile phones.

Yes phones are a great invention, but children do need limits.

Op isn't suggesting taking the phone away, just asking the girl to leave it downstairs overnight.

Hoghgyni · 01/02/2020 20:26

Imagine this scenario: my DD went for a sleepover at her friend's house taking her iPhone with her. Her friend used it to video my DD snoring in the night & posted it online on DD's Insta account. Now all her friends are bullying her. AIBU to think her friend's parents should have asked her to leave the phone downstairs at bedtime?

deareloise · 01/02/2020 20:29

All I think because a phone is a point of contact between my child and I, and as such I wouldn’t want it to be removed.

Namelessinseattle · 01/02/2020 20:39

Hoghgyni has nailed it I think. I'd be afraid of messing kids get up to and wouldn't want that kind of stuff in my house. I do think parents should know in advance though so if anyone is anxious Without contact they can bow out without having a blow out on the night. I'd probably relax it if it's one on one but there's no way a group will be keeping their phones and cameras in my house.

Hoghgyni · 01/02/2020 20:41

So how do you cope when your child is at school? They can still access their phone at the sleepover. If they have a wobble & can't sleep, they can still phone someone, but they have to leave the bedroom to do so. I doubt if they would call from a bedroom in the middle of the night anyway.

deareloise · 01/02/2020 20:47

That’s fair hog

Wildorchidz · 01/02/2020 20:50

I do not believe it is right to take someone’s property from them when they are a guest in your home.

So what would you do in this scenario:
Your child is at a sleepover and you insist he is allowed to have his phone overnight
He then proceeds to access porn hub
The 2 other 11 year old boys on the sleepover are traumatised by what they see on your son’s phone

Do you blame the sleepover mother? Or yourself?

Wildorchidz · 01/02/2020 20:51

The situation in my above post is ongoing between 2 women I know

Drizzzle · 01/02/2020 20:53

It doesn't matter whose "property" it is. It's fine to aks her ro leave it downstairs, just like you would if she wanted to bring muddy boots/her bicycle upstairs. Why are phones so precious and special?

Drizzzle · 01/02/2020 20:54

Ask her to

Hoghgyni · 01/02/2020 21:00

Deareloise Thanks! My DD's former secondary school has introduced a total ban on phones on site now because they are fed up with their disruptive impact.

My DD is older now and certainly didn't have an iPhone when she was 11. If I had had any concerns about The family she was having a sleepover with, she wouldn't have been having a sleepover there. If she had any concerns in the middle of the night, she would have gone to find an adult. She wouldn't have called or sent a text from the bedroom in case she woke anyone else up or in case she looked like a baby if anyone else was awake.

malloo · 01/02/2020 21:01

YANBU, I would also ask for phones to be left downstairs as that's what we do in this house. Makes me think though, maybe worth letting other parents know this in advance. If they don't like it, the kid doesn't come.

deareloise · 01/02/2020 21:02

I think the child should be able to access their phone, hog

My dd wouldn’t have had the confidence to disturb an adult, so I would like her to know she can text if needed. But not having it in the bedroom is fair enough.

Hoghgyni · 01/02/2020 21:09

The OP has already said that the friend would know exactly where the phone is, so it wouldn't be a problem, then.

AllHeart1 · 01/02/2020 21:13

Dear God what a load of hysteria. “It’s her property/she might need to contact her mum/it’s a safeguarding issue.” Wtf?

The rule is no phones. Therefore I would insist on no phones. As PP suggested give her ten minutes to message that the phone is with you and then it goes.

She won’t be allowed her phone in school; if she gets a job one day she won’t be allowed her phone during working hours (or might not be) This idea that children should be glued to their phones at all hours of the day and night lest something dreadful happens to them is part of the reason why we have children who spend more time on screens than outside.

And at twelve I wouldn’t want my child to have unlimited access to snapchat either.

MorganKitten · 01/02/2020 21:40

Not your child so no

LynetteScavo · 01/02/2020 21:40

Allowing a 12yo unlimited access to Snapchat is a safeguarding issue, not asking them to leave it downstairs.

The OP has already figured turning off the WiFi is the way to go.

FreshFancyFrogglette · 01/02/2020 21:43

Yabu, and odd. What's wrong with smart phones? You can't take away someone else's property. What do u think will happen if they have it in the room overnight?! :s. Bizarre.

Allshookup4 · 01/02/2020 21:46

Very sad how many parents are giving children phones and with internet access these days and encouraging there use. The rate of anxiety and depression in children is rocketing - and still parents hand out these devices like sweets.

carly2803 · 01/02/2020 22:00

as a mother this is no issue for me. BUT- i would want the phonen downstairs so if my children wanted to call me they can (without the parent being alerted for whatever reason)

But if they snuck down to just play on it,there would be hell to pay from me, as they broke your rules!

SmileEachDay · 01/02/2020 22:05

What do u think will happen if they have it in the room overnight?! :s. Bizarre

Can you honestly not think of any possible bad outcomes for children having unlimited and unsupervised access to SM/internet overnight (or actually for several hours at any point)

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