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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take her phone?

84 replies

Fatasfooook · 01/02/2020 17:35

My 12 year old has her friend over to sleep for the night. My daughter has a phone but not a smart phone, she can text and phone - that’s it. Her friend has an iPhone, complete with all the apps, snapchat and tick tick etc.
Since she arrived the two of them have been glued to friends phone. I’m uncomfortable with this but am accepting it. My question is, when it comes to sleep time can I ask friend to leave her phone downstairs? We have a no devices in bedrooms overnight rule. I will tell friend where it is and she can get it if she needs it at any point. I won’t hide it. Just ask that it’s left in the living room overnight. Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

OP posts:
lyralalala · 01/02/2020 18:36

You should have spoken to the child’s parents before the sleepover

We have a rule of no devices in the bedroom, even on sleepovers, but I make sure parents know this before sleepovers

I don’t change my rules, but I think you have to give parents and children a choice when the invitation is given to accept or not. Not just spring it on them after arriving

ChazP · 01/02/2020 18:37

YANBU.
Your house, your rules.
“In our house, we don’t have phones in bedrooms overnight. I’ll put yours onto charge downstairs so it’s ready for you in the morning.”
And I’d contact the parents just to let them know that’s what you’re doing.
I don’t really understand how that can be considered unreasonable.

Nothing2doooooo · 01/02/2020 18:37

People really need to lighten up about tech.

This is not about tech. It's about how reasonable is it to ask that a guest respects your house traditions, in a situation where there is no special reason not to.

If you don't like the rule in someone's house, why go and demand to be an exception? Screams entitlement to me.

mbosnz · 01/02/2020 18:41

And when it comes to mobile phones, I thought the clear advice was not to allow the devices in children's bedrooms overnight?

Nothing2doooooo · 01/02/2020 18:41

but I think you have to give parents and children a choice when the invitation is given to accept or not. Not just spring it on them after arriving

Agree with this too.

Franticbutterfly · 01/02/2020 18:44

Yeah say we don’t use our phones in the bedrooms at night time. Tell her to text her mum at say 9.30 to say all is well and get them watching a film or something.

lyralalala · 01/02/2020 18:45

Other parents will have different ideas. My DS has a friend who’s parents assumed phones would be removed, he has one who asks that their number is written by the landline phone so their child can call them at daft o’clock if they want and he has one that doesn’t allow sleepovers because it’s against the child’s human rights to remove the phone (that’s the exact phrase used)

So, when it’s important to you that a rule is followed you need to give the other parents a heads up

Most parents don’t mind though I’ve found (7 kids in this house, 5 so far at or past sleepover age) as long as they know the score

Babooshkar · 01/02/2020 18:52

Get a grip.. Safeguarding issue.. Hmm

Crystal87 · 01/02/2020 18:52

Yabu for not giving your DD a decent phone at her age. Poor kid

Hoghgyni · 01/02/2020 19:06

She has a decent phone. It can make & receive calls & texts. Internet access is not a human right at age 12.

BarbedBloom · 01/02/2020 19:09

I said unreasonable as you should have made this clear before the child came. There have been lots of threads on this in the past where people have explained why they want their child having their phones overnight at another person's house.

WiddlinDiddlin · 01/02/2020 19:18

Wow, do you all print off a list of terms and conditions before a child comes for a sleepover?

Surely when you send a child to stay in someone elses home, it is understood that they will need to abide by THAT homes rules and they may be different from your own?

OP - I would suggest at bedtime you invite both kids to come down, put phones on charge wherever phones go to charge in your house, and make it clear thats where it stays, but if she needs it to contact home/mum/dad... she can come and use it where it is.

I would not TAKE the phone off her, but make sure she puts it on charge and understands where it is if necessary.

Ginger1982 · 01/02/2020 19:21

Jeezo, how did we all cope at sleepovers before mobile phones? 🙄

TheDarkPassenger · 01/02/2020 19:27

I would just let them have it for one night tbh

Absolutely not a safeguarding issue though, very bizarre. I wouldn’t really mind if my kids had theirs taken away at a sleepover but here I just let them do whatever. We do have a general no phones in rooms overnight thing though

TheDarkPassenger · 01/02/2020 19:27

Also personally I wouldn’t turn WiFi off because I watch Netflix in bed 😂

Allshookup4 · 01/02/2020 19:30

Personally I would let them have it for maybe an hour tops then show the girl where to leave it in the kitchen. I appreciate that having free access to the internet has become normalised for children but doesn’t mean it’s healthy or safe. I’m wirh you on this one x

Name7 · 01/02/2020 19:36

That safeguarding comment is beyond ridiculous! Either phone goes in the landing or kitchen and show them where it is if they need to use it to contact parents. Your rule is no device in the bedroom at sleep time which is sensible. I have had many children over for sleepovers and there has never been an issue with this. I’ve never said in advance either, they’ve all been back so obviously not too traumatised by phone separation!
🤦🏽‍♀️ I would also guard against having something that records when you in a vulnerable state whilst you are asleep. I’ve known of recordings of kids snoring or sleep talking used to tease/bully.

Allshookup4 · 01/02/2020 19:43

And you don’t need to tell the parents - your house your rules

MiniMum97 · 01/02/2020 19:53

Your house, your rules. If she doesn't like it then she doesn't have to stay.

You think having phones overnight is not appropriate so you are gong to take it off her for the night. No different than if she had the phone in class at school when the phone wouldn't dc be taken off them until the end of the day.

No one on MN would be screaming "it's they properly" in this event!!!!

MaderiaCycle · 01/02/2020 19:57

I’m with you @MiniMum97. It’s about respect for the rules not what the actual rules are. Especially at 12!

Safeguarding FFS. Their property - it’s not being confiscated. They are being asked politely to leave it in another room.

SmileEachDay · 01/02/2020 20:00

The NSPCC would agree with you OP. At that age, access to the internet and SM really should be supervised.

MiniMum97 · 01/02/2020 20:00

I agree @MaderiaCycle I would be reality cross if another parent thought it was ok for their child to come to my house but was not to follow my rules. I really don't understand why they would think that was acceptable.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 01/02/2020 20:01

I do not believe it is right to take someone’s property from them when they are a guest in your home.

SmileEachDay · 01/02/2020 20:03

I do not believe it is right to take someone’s property from them when they are a guest in your home

Yeah but you also believe that Lady Macbeth was “misunderstood” so I think your views are,at best, to be taken with a pinch of salt 😉😉

Allshookup4 · 01/02/2020 20:05

@LadyMacbethWasMisunde... do you think it’s safe for children to have private access to the internet? Do you think it’s healthy for children to dedicate their evening to staring at a phone? Just asking