Asking husband to take DC out once a week?

[bookishtartlet]

For context, I work 4 days as a teacher, husband works 5 days 9 to 5, partly at home, partly at the office. Short 15 min drive to work for him.

I've recently been resentful of how little time i get on my own in the house. We have one preschool age son, who is a joy but full on.

I asked DH to take son out today directly. Usually i drop hints, but I've been working on asking people for what i need.

I need to finish some bits for work this weekend. We don't have a big house, my husband is noisy. Really noisy. Stomping about, banging in to stuff, coughing, throat clearing, music on in the kitchen, TV on in the living room. Son brings his own noise too obviously. I can't work very well with all of this going on. I asked husband to take son to his activity today, they'd be outfor an hour tops. He took him last week as i had some family health issues i needed to deal with, so said it was my turn.

This would be fair enough if i hadn't taken son the last few weeks, which i was happy enough to do as i wasn't particularly needing to do anything else.

DH has no idea of my mental load, I've told him repeatedly but its just not going in. I deal with all household bills, he only needs to transfer money to the account they come out of. This amount doesnt quite cover our actual expenses but near enough. I earn more than him, despite working less hours. I organise all appointments for son, clothes, presents, nursery and now school things for next year such as registering, transitions, theme days at nursery. He will do dishes and hoover and some laundry on his days working from home, but i do literally everything else: bathrooms cleaned, windows, folding and putting away clothes, cleaning out old stuff, cleaning sofas curtains, bedding changes etc. All the usual shit. Im not a natural house wife, so i hate every second.

I am the stricter parent in regards to screen time, sugar intake before bed so my son does see me as the fun killer at times.

Im just so pissed off. I wanted an hour to finish work. I can go out and DH will stay happily at home, the two of them watching TV or whatever, but i just need some head space. Ive just flounced out the door to sons activity and i feel so petty and childish, but fucking hell. He gets so much time to himself. He doesn't see that hes done anything wrong as in his eyes he contributes. He does, but im carrying all the bitch work here.

What can i say to get him to listen???

I don’t have an answer but you’re definitely not being unreasonable!

When is he getting so much time to himself? The hour for the activity if you go?

He works an extra day than you so I would expect the household tasks to be a less even split as one is home more.

I presume DH gets more time to himself as OP is the default parent all the time. I’m made my DH take DD swimming every week from 3 months just so he had some 1-2-1 time each week. Plus it give me 2 hours of me time every week. Otherwise, he would just have DD running around whilst he watches sky sports (whilst I get stuff done!)

I’m a little confused. You asked him to take your son to his activity and he said no it’s your turn?

If I got that right, then I think you need to explain to him all the things you need to do and ask him to please take your son to his activity so you can get caught up. If you’ve explained that and he said no, you have a bigger problem.

Talk to him about it and say you need some alone time and he has to take your DS out to his activity every week from now on and to keep it fair you'll give him a couple of hours every weekend as well.
Also give him a job like the laundry or bathrooms that he has to do.

He gets time to himself through the working week as well as weekends, as i do drop offs, pick ups, i take my son lots of places to meet up with friends and family. Ill take him to soft play, parks, museums etc where as my husband only goes these places when i am also there.

The house work split should be 50/50. I am paid for 7 hours less but in reality i work in the evenings and weekends due to the nature of my job. Fridays i do a huge blitz of cleaning but that day i spend with my son going places or running errands such as appointments. I won't accept that the current situation is not fair on him at all.

I get where you are coming from, but also try not to martr yourself too much. For me, the whole sugar hype is a media myth. I worry about teeth cleaning though. Screen time, a perennial battle, but try not to make it too hard on yourself.

Write a list. 4 columns.

My stuff. Time taken. Your stuff. Time taken.

Seriously.

I’ve done it.
Works a fucking treat when they see it in actual written form with numbers in front of them.
Make sure you include the work you have to complete at home, not just hours ‘in the office’, plus commuting time etc.

When he sees that not only is your list longer but that the total time is more he should change his tune.

As stated in my OP, i have asked him. Ive given him jobs. He will cut the grass maybe 3 times over the summer. He genuinely thinks he is contributing a fair share. He is not. I am at breaking point.

I asked him today and he said it was my turn as he did it last week.

I enjoy spending time with my son so i take him out a lot, my husband does not take him out unless i am also there or directly tell him to (but he will often refuse to).

So what is DH actually doing at home? If you have work to do then surely conversation would have just been, "I have work to do and so need you to take DS to activity" ?

There are no 'turns', just things that need to be done. Especially if he is more than happy for you to take DS on multiple weeks! It's just pure laziness.

YANBU.

I asked him today and he said it was my turn as he did it last week.

Make a list of all the things you did this week and tell him it will be his turn to do those next week.

He probably knows but just doesn’t care. He sounds lazy and selfish. 🤷‍♀️

I just say that because my Ex was the same.

Guessing here your son is home on the day you don't work...
Tell him straight. Saturday's, him and son need to be out the house 10-2 for example. DH used to take ours to softplay then to lunch- apart from this I was with one or both DC 24/7 except the three hour overlapping preschool and my choir evening, where half the time I took them with me and left them in the crèche. It was him that started it and it saved my sanity at times. Often all I did was catch up with housework but sometimes I sat with a book or had a nap. You need to work, so even more important.b

What does he actually do?? I mean like when you need to do your work and he's home does he just sit there watching tv?

When does he have more time though? When he works from home that can’t be counted surely as that’s work.
What happens in the evenings?
I know you have to work evenings and weekends but then you get more blocks of time off to compensate surely (Im a teacher so that’s how I see it).

He may be out at work more, but I bet he has much more time to himself than op. He sounds lazy and unappreciative tbh.

If he is happy looking after DC at home can you not just sit upstairs and work. Or go to a coffee shop. Its not unreasonable tk ask him to take him to his activities, but it is unreasonable to expect him to tàke him out because you want quiet.

I asked him today and he said it was my turn as he did it last week.

What can i say to get him to listen???

Tell him that if you divorce him you'll be pushing for 50/50 custody which will give you absolutely shitloads more free time than you currently get and he'll have to step up and do approximately 75% more parenting than he currently does.

He sounds like a selfish pig.

Print out your OP and hand it to him. Tell you're done doing it all, you need some alone time, too, just like he takes for himself regularly, and he will engage in a realistic view of what's going on in your home.

I’d be saying “right ds needs taking to activity and the kitchen, bathroom and car need cleaning” which are you doing?

My ex was a lazy fucker too whose main job in life was his work and when he came home we’d take turns to do the dinner but dishes, cleaning, bills, everything else was my responsibility. Oh apart from the annual holiday which he enjoyed researching. As if he should only too the fun stuff. Sigh. Even my neighbours were telling me that he should be cutting the grass etc as it was always me. And I did the old lady’s next door too. Once a week all summer for free obv.

He got warned to pull his socks up and he didn’t so he got dumped.

I now have much less housework and washings and the place is cleaner with no snoring, stinking egg-farting bastard sleeping on my couch scratching his arse at this time of a Saturday and I am doing the washings while half watching tv and typing on MN, it’s now the way life should be

What alone time does he get? Use that as a start.

I didn't use to work when my kids were small. We also had a cleaner. My husband was a high powered lawyer working 60 hours minimum. He would go for his gym session early saturday, come home, collect the kids and take them for a swim - out of the house for about three hours.
He did this to spend quality time with them and to give me a break - I didn't have to be doing anything in particular. It was lovely to know they were all having fun and getting active, and I got to spend time by myself.
I find it odd that some people don't want to spend one on one time with their own kids, regardless of what their partner is doing.

I don't think it's fair to throw that you earn more money into this argument. Does he get time to himself outside of commuting and lunch break? Because that's, maybe wrongly, what I inferred you meant but those don't really count.