Asking husband to take DC out once a week?

[bookishtartlet]

For context, I work 4 days as a teacher, husband works 5 days 9 to 5, partly at home, partly at the office. Short 15 min drive to work for him.

I've recently been resentful of how little time i get on my own in the house. We have one preschool age son, who is a joy but full on.

I asked DH to take son out today directly. Usually i drop hints, but I've been working on asking people for what i need.

I need to finish some bits for work this weekend. We don't have a big house, my husband is noisy. Really noisy. Stomping about, banging in to stuff, coughing, throat clearing, music on in the kitchen, TV on in the living room. Son brings his own noise too obviously. I can't work very well with all of this going on. I asked husband to take son to his activity today, they'd be outfor an hour tops. He took him last week as i had some family health issues i needed to deal with, so said it was my turn.

This would be fair enough if i hadn't taken son the last few weeks, which i was happy enough to do as i wasn't particularly needing to do anything else.

DH has no idea of my mental load, I've told him repeatedly but its just not going in. I deal with all household bills, he only needs to transfer money to the account they come out of. This amount doesnt quite cover our actual expenses but near enough. I earn more than him, despite working less hours. I organise all appointments for son, clothes, presents, nursery and now school things for next year such as registering, transitions, theme days at nursery. He will do dishes and hoover and some laundry on his days working from home, but i do literally everything else: bathrooms cleaned, windows, folding and putting away clothes, cleaning out old stuff, cleaning sofas curtains, bedding changes etc. All the usual shit. Im not a natural house wife, so i hate every second.

I am the stricter parent in regards to screen time, sugar intake before bed so my son does see me as the fun killer at times.

Im just so pissed off. I wanted an hour to finish work. I can go out and DH will stay happily at home, the two of them watching TV or whatever, but i just need some head space. Ive just flounced out the door to sons activity and i feel so petty and childish, but fucking hell. He gets so much time to himself. He doesn't see that hes done anything wrong as in his eyes he contributes. He does, but im carrying all the bitch work here.

What can i say to get him to listen???

You both need time to yourselves. I would agree that on a weekend one of you takes your DS out for a few hours one day and the other for a few hours the other day. Or whatever works best for your family so that you each get a block of alone time.

Also cleaning etc does not count as your time. Tell DH either he takes DS to x or he cleans y. My DH always opts for taking the kids (which suits me just fine)

I've simmered down a bit now.

The day at home i have is with my preschooler. He is in nursery two days and with my mum the other two, so our childcare covers my work hours.

He absolutely does have more down time. He goes to the gym 3 times a week, if he has errands to run he will always go himself as he "just wants to nip out" , then the times ive specified above when i take my son out socialising with other mums or family or just park. I do have the teacher holidays, but during term time in a promoted post is when i need support. In the holidays he barely has to lift a finger as i have the time to sort everything and i don't mind.

He is a lazy fucker, and that is the issue. Im definitely not being a martyr, i am actually a laid back parent on the whole but i don't think playing on an xbox right before bed while snacking on sugary lollies or sweets helps my son sleep well. We have a loose routine, bed between 7 and 8 depending on our day and he absolutely has cakes, sweets when i am out with him or at my mums.

A good few things to think about, i am unreasonable in a lot of ways, but this one or two hours on my own was what i needed to get opinion on. My own dad took all 4 of us kids out every Sunday for beach or hill walks, cycling, general running around so maybe my expectation is too high of my husband.

I just want a partner not an additional child i have to factor in. And yes, whilst i was out today he made himself a lovely lunch and sat watching TV.

Biscuit barrel, your idea is a winner. I will be doing this over the next week. Thank you.

Your expectations are not too high.

All you expect is a partner who pulls his weight instead of being lazy and letting you carry everything.

Do not let him convince you that you're expecting too much. This is basic level stuff.

OP, of course you are right.

You have is it 1 child with a right laxy, selfish man.

I hope you have contraception sorted because his sort rarely get sorted out.

They just get lazier and lazier.

Think hard about the rest of your life..... because the years drag when you are married to someone like him.

Putting themselves first and not giving a damn about how anyone else is affected.

They are usually shit parents as well.

Mind yourself 💐

YABVU, why should he have to leave his home at the weekends so you can have it to yourself. If you want head space then you go out and leave him and SD at home.

You look after your DC on Friday so he can work - he needs to look after your DC on Saturday so you can work.

Yanbu, it sounds like you dont have any downtime at all and when though he works an extra day, he does get to do his own things as well.
It shouldnt have to be a chore to take his own child out.

Keep a daily list of everything you do for a week. Present it to him. Then highlight the tasks that HE is now going to be doing to help, one of which will be taking DC out once a week.

I would just say when it’s pick up time, packed lunch time, a bill needs paying etc, that you’ve done it for 3 years so the next 3 years is his ‘turn’ — or he can wind his neck in and take the toddler out for an hour a week on a Saturday like a decent partner/parent would.

@bookishtartlet you’re welcome.

I warn you: he might not take it well at first, and you might have to repeat it (😂) a time or two before it goes in. But I’d had my fill of fruitless conversations where I’d tried explaining it. I made my list and then said “you know how I keep saying the way things are divided between us just isn’t equal? This is what I mean.”

If he provides reasonable care for DS and you have a library in reach, take your laptop or marking there. By all means try to make the division of labour fairer, but if he's basically selfish there's little in it for him to do more.

I don't really see why he can't do half the drop offs/pick ups, either. Then you could get the work done at school.

He doesn’t pay his full share of expenses, doesn’t facilitate you having time to yourself, doesn’t do his fair share of chores, doesn’t do his fair share of parenting, doesn’t seem to care about his relationship with his child or his wife, seems dismissive and unwilling to change or repair the relationship from what you’ve said, adds to your mental load, adds to your chores, adds to your expenses... I personally don’t see the point of him. He must have a lot of (very hidden) amazing qualities!

If he says it's your turn, you could say, oh ok if we need to share this equally . . . I have taken DS for the last 10 times out of the last 14 you have taken him 4 times (or whatever). So to make the Turns even you need to take him the next six times.

Or you could just take him this one time I ask you...

He sounds awful. Could you go to a local cafe to work? Not what you wanted but maybe a compromise-he would have to look after his own child then. Why doesn't he want to spend time with his child

We don't have a big house, my husband is noisy. Really noisy. Stomping about, banging in to stuff, coughing, throat clearing, music on in the kitchen, TV on in the living room.

Oh dear. Part of the problem seems to be that you have simply gone off your husband. If you don’t enjoy his physical presence in the house it’s hard to see how things can improve, even if he miraculously changes his behaviour.

Between @biscuit and @BiscuitBarrels
they have it nailed.

@Surprise.....yea I think the OP has every right to have gone off him.

Lazy twat.

OP, look after yourself. You husband certainly is looking after himself.

@bridgetreilly

I asked him today and he said it was my turn as he did it last week.

Make a list of all the things you did this week and tell him it will be his turn to do those next week.

This 👆 100%!

Windows!!

Op most people with young dc loosen the cleaning reigns.

We do windows twice a year here!! Never touch skirting..

I know what you meaning though carrying the mental load. That's where the strain is.

I would just say to him that we don’t take turns, do we? You have never taken bill paying or kitchen cleaning or toilet cleaning or lunchbox making (or whatever) in turns. I have to work on weekends, there’s nothing you need to do, so on Saturdays I need you to take DS to his activity and then go and do something together so I can get stuff done, then we can have family time.

You earn more so you pay more bills, makes sense
You work 4 days he works 5 so you spend the extra day with son makes sense. But instead of getting agree discuss things with him and say how you feel that house hold chores and childcare are not being divided out equally the list suggestion should help. But think it is wrong to expect him to go out every sat morning to give you some time home alone. Why don,t you use that time to go to a gym, go for a swim, a run ect. They he can do what he wants with ds.

With one child you should be able to work it so you both have some 1:1 time with the child and alone time for yourselves. He might not do the same activities you’d choose to do but if he’s happy to look after your son at home then head out.

You probably do need to look at how you’re spending your day off if you’re totally frazzled. What is a typical day for you with the pre-schooler?

Also why are you doing all the pick-up and drop-offs especially if he is working from home. Why don’t you swap so you work late one night when he’s at home so you can get more done?

He’s being an arse if he’s loading up a 3/4 year old with sweets and putting him on the xbox before bed.

DH takes DD to an activity every Saturday. It's their thing and they enjoy that time together. He also does a lot around the house. I'd give it to your DH straight, you need some time to yourself and of he is actually worth his salt he will facilitate this for you and not bitch about it. Plus negotiate who does what it sounds like you are doing way too much

Tell him weekends are his turn.

OH takes DD out nearly every weekend , sometimes I join then, sometimes we'll do something planned as a family and most times he'll still take her out on the other day.

My turn is during the week.

We work on equalish down time. Time chilling by yourself, time napping, time on hobbies. If he gets loads more than you it's not fair. Say to demonstrate this you'll be totting it up for the next month

YANBU