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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask when you felt comfortable leaving your baby with eg. MIL, a family member, etc

90 replies

LaBelleSauvage · 31/01/2020 21:43

Our first baby is due in March. We have a couple of invitations to birthdays/events 4 weeks and 8 weeks after the due date. Was chatting to DH about it and he seems more relaxed than me about the idea of leaving our new baby with MIL and to RSVP yes. I'm more of the opinion that we should thank the hosts but let them know that we'll have a new baby and will have to let them know nearer the time whether it'll be possible to attend. I am planning to breastfeed but to also express if possible so that DH can assist with feeds.

The AIBU regarding the RSVP isn't that important; the main thing I'm wondering in general is:

How soon before you felt comfortable leaving your baby with someone else for a few hours, a day, or indeed overnight?

Thanks in advance mums and dads of MN!

OP posts:

tiedy · 01/02/2020 06:03

I was happy for my parents to have my babies from day 1

QueenOfCatan · 01/02/2020 06:21

My first was a bottle refuser, so she didn't get left for more than an hour until after she was 1! Second is happy though but even then I have only just started leaving her with DH and a bottle at 9 months as I can go without expressing during the day if not with her, wouldn't have been able to manage that before. I think 4 and 8 weeks with a breastfed baby who could be late so therefore only 2 and 6 weeks is a tall order, of breastfeeding you'll be leaky, they often cluster feed when that small too and it's just a bit awkward when they're breastfed at that age.
Also, you may not feel comfortable with it and that is okay and perfectly valid (as is being fine with leaving them!) and you may not know how you feel about that until baby is here. Either way though don't feel pressured into agreeing until you are ready and comfortable with it as you're not going to relax if you aren't.

cochineal7 · 01/02/2020 06:30

After 4 weeks I was not in any state to go out for a night,let alone leave the baby. In those early days I also found the bond very physical- it’s like asking to leave your left arm behind. You may feel fine physically and mentally, you may not. Your approach is sensible- wait and see.

crankysaurus · 01/02/2020 06:52

Depends on how you are physically and emotionally, what you want to do at the time, the temperament of your baby, and the babysitters.

Howdidido · 01/02/2020 07:32

1st DD at 12 weeks I left her with DH while I went on a speed awareness course for 2 hours. I leaked through my breastpads all over my clothes, could concentrate and she wouldn't take the bottle at home. Next time was probably when I left her at nursery aged 11months.
2nd DD 12 weeks went out for 2 hour stints to do shopping etc. That's all.

For 1st DD emotionally it would have been tough to leave her at all for month. She was fragile and mine and no one else could look after her as well!
Physically EBF meant it would have been impossible. I didnt want to introduce a bottle too soon. Breatsfeeding was incredibly difficult at the start and didnt want to make it harder.
I was exhausted and a zonbie for at least 6 weeks. I was exhausted and able to function at a social minimum (I.e. baby classes where no one minds if you forget your train of thought ever 2 mins) for at least 6 months.
And psychologically I had zero desire to go to any parties- my body was a mess, my mind was a mess, my hair looked amazing though! .

2nd DD- physically less of a bind, but in early days was not risking mastitis or low milk supply again. Honestly I would have been much happier emotionally leaving her with someone else earlier but EBF is no joke.

If you're physically and mentally up for it (unlikely) not exhausted (unlikely) and your baby is already happy to take a bottle AND usig a bottle doesn't affect breastfeeding (unlikely) if it was for more than a couple hours away from her (inc travel time!) you would need to pump at event to keep supply up and/or stop your breasts getting too full. With all the sterilisation bumf that comes with that. What a fun party..
Unless it's a major event its probably not worth the hassle.

CakeandCustard28 · 01/02/2020 09:34

My youngest is 4. Only people I will leave him with is my parents. My eldest has sleep overs with the in laws but that started when he was 6. 😅 everyone’s different though.

Aneley · 01/02/2020 09:41

Our DD is 2m old and I can leave her for a few hours with my mum, MIL or my dad and his partner (but then, dad's partner is an MD - pediatrician) if I have to. I wouldn't leave her overnight, though - not for the lack of trust, but for my own peace of mind. Had to do it twice for 2-3h long admin appointments DH and I had to appear for personally. Your baby may not be born on the due date, it is not unusual for babies to be up to 2w late so I'd calculate that in. I also wasn't up for much 4w after baby was born (had CSection and an infection post-partum).

Cremebrule · 01/02/2020 09:41

No way at 4-8 weeks. With my first, it was probably close to a year. With my second, my in-laws (who are fabulous with the children) first had her for the day at around 8m but she had horrible separation anxiety at 7-9m so it wasn’t really a nice experience for anyone. She’s over it now so would probably be ok for the odd day. I’d have them watching over night but wouldn’t be ready to leave her at theirs for a while but would happily ship my 3 year old off.

Lazypuppy · 01/02/2020 09:43

About 4 weeks i started to leave dd with my mum for an hour while i went to the gym.

Overnight was 8 weeks as we had a friends birthday do.

Now my mum has her probably once a month over night and once a night for the evening while we have a date night

PrincessHoneysuckle · 01/02/2020 09:45

Parents, 8 weeks.Mil 5 yrs

LynseyLou1982 · 01/02/2020 10:58

I first left my DS with my mum for a few hours when he was 4 months old so we could go to a gig. He was bottle fed by then though. Only left him overnight once so far with my sister and he was 15 months. He's nearly 2 now.

Notajogger · 01/02/2020 11:15

I’d think you might not have fully established a decent milk supply by four weeks. It’s still early days and breastfeeding usually takes a few weeks to settle into a sufficient supply to express. I could never really express much despite feeding each baby for a couple of years. I’d wait and see how it goes.

This. If you have no problems breastfeeding, you shouldn't express while your supply is establishing. You may have issues feeding and need to be hooked up to a pump every 2 hours.

It's also a bloody faff to pump regularly so by allowing DH to "help" with that you're creating even more work for yourself.

You may go overdue by 2+ weeks, have a c-section, get an infection etc etc.

No way would I feel willing/ able to leave my little one (a few months old) in someone else's care yet.

Lazypuppy · 01/02/2020 19:23

I started expressing at 2 weeks once breastfeeding was established. My friends who waited till 6 weeks then couldn't get baby to take a bottle as had waited too long.

No issues, i was able to feed on demand for the 6 months and expressed around 12 ounces a day for dp to feed

Lazypuppy · 01/02/2020 19:25

It's also a bloody faff to pump regularly so by allowing DH to "help" with that you're creating even more work for yourself.

Its not a faff for everyone! I just pumped while dp was feeding the milk from the day before. 10mins sat on the sofa watching tv. But i knew 100% i ddinXt want to be responsible for all feeding, so if pumping hadn't of worked we'd have done formula for 1 feed a day

mrsBtheparker · 01/02/2020 20:27

Honestly, you probably won’t feel like going anywhere at 4 weeks

Everyone's different, I went to a Mess function seven days after my daughter was born, she came with us and slept in a nearby bedroom but I was lucky that milk came like a fountain from the start and I personally felt well, not everyone's as lucky.

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