To ask when you felt comfortable leaving your baby with eg. MIL, a family member, etc

[LaBelleSauvage]

Our first baby is due in March. We have a couple of invitations to birthdays/events 4 weeks and 8 weeks after the due date. Was chatting to DH about it and he seems more relaxed than me about the idea of leaving our new baby with MIL and to RSVP yes. I'm more of the opinion that we should thank the hosts but let them know that we'll have a new baby and will have to let them know nearer the time whether it'll be possible to attend. I am planning to breastfeed but to also express if possible so that DH can assist with feeds.

The AIBU regarding the RSVP isn't that important; the main thing I'm wondering in general is:

How soon before you felt comfortable leaving your baby with someone else for a few hours, a day, or indeed overnight?

Thanks in advance mums and dads of MN!

Oh, and proper overnights from fully weaned. We went away for a long weekend when she was about 2-2.5yo. She is nearly 7 and has a wonderful relationship with her GPs and aunties (my DS and DSIL).

But it depends on the child (I couldn't be left for any length of time away from my mum until I was into primary school) and how you feel about leaving them.

Me and DH went out for a meal when DD was 6 weeks old for our anniversary, left her with my parents and an expressed bottle. We were out for about 2 hrs and talked about DD the entire time!

She stayed 'overnight' (same hotel, different room) with them when we went to a wedding at 6 months. I woke up at 6am thinking my boobs were about to explode and ended up with mastitis. Didn't try that again for a while.

I stopped bf at 14 months and my & DH went away for the weekend at 15 month, again she was with my parent and everyone was totally fine about it by that point.

Honestly, at (potentially) 2 and 6 weeks I didn't even like being in a different room to her, or when someone else took her for a walk round the block. Totally hormonal and I knew it but that's just the way it was. If you're breastfeeding you may (probably will) find it very difficult at that age, especially in the evening if they're cluster feeding. Of course best case scenario is that everything will go fine with labour and feeding and you'll be glad of the break but there are so many things that you just don't know how they will go til you're in the moment that agreeing to plans seems a bit ambitious.

The thing is, don't know what your experience will be like. We had an extremely easy newborn. Neither of us have ever been sleep-deprived other than the odd bad night even when she was newly home, and the house was the cleanest and most organised it's ever been when DH was off on paternity leave because there wasn't really much to do! But that was my experience. A friend who gave birth at the same time had a baby who was very unsettled with colic and wouldn't sleep, and her early weeks experience was totally different to mine. She was just in survival mode and I think going to someone's party wouldn't even have registered on her agenda.

You can't know in advance what those early weeks will be like for you individually or how your physical recovery will be. You might find them easy or they might be a struggle, so I think just being flexible and seeing what happens when baby arrives is best. You'll probably find your hormones might put the kibbosh on any plans as it's quite a thought leaving them for the first time!

11 weeks was the first full day away, but he was with my husband so still with a parent. But I wasn't massively bothered by leaving him with either my husband or mum. In face those trips to the supermarket in the early days were like a quiet sanctuary of 30mins freedom

I never got round to leaving mine but that's because I didn't have anyone to leave them with.

Overnight with my first when she was three years old as MIL looked after her when I went to hospital to have my second. Home the next morning though! My second was almost two years when I spent five days in hospital but my husband was there with him at night. I would not leave them with someone else at night and no need to actually. Having said that, I bf until they were two years old and went back to full time work when each was five months. Managed to express enough milk for them during the day and as I worked near to my childminder sil, at the start I was able to pop in at lunchtime to feed. Husband and I were both teachers so able to spend lots of time with children in holidays and weekends. I just didn’t feel happy leaving them at night until they were much older.

When you say "events" do you mean an afternoon, an evening or a night/weekend away?

I left DS at about 2 or 3 months for a couple of hours in the afternoon. It was a disaster! My dad came over to watch DS and I'd expressed milk as a just-in-case.
Came home after about 2 hours, DS was screaming uncontrollably after my dad hadn't put the lid on the bottle properly and instead of feeding a hungry DS, had poured a bottle of milk over him 🤦🏻‍♀️

My first evening out was at about 6 months (dinner with friends 10 minute walk from my house).

First overnight trip away was at 2 years (for a work trip & I cried like a baby all the way there).

As PPs have said, bleeding, milk supply, hormones, stitches, sleep patterns etc can take a while to settle down, so you might not enjoy the event that much if you're missing your DC, leaking, engorged, bleeding, weepy, sleepy, worried etc. Also, don't underestimate the sleeplessness encountered in the first few weeks. My DC was a colicky baby and cried constantly for the first 12 weeks (obviously some babies are the opposite and sleep through from about 4 weeks), so you may feel differently about leaving your baby with someone else depending on what they are like / how "easy" a baby they are.

You should also consider that you might go overdue from your due date. The distance between the event and home and how easy it would be to get back in an emergency will also influence how comfortable you will feel in leaving your DC.

I think your wait-and-see approach is very sensible.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy 💐

Incidentally, I thought I knew it all when I had my first but in fact was a complete zombie for weeks! Baby had colic so screamed for hours in the evenings and during the day I was exhausted. The second was much easier.

I agree with you that you won’t really know how you will feel until baby arrives. Play it by ear and have someone you trust to help out for a few hours maybe. If the breast feeding goes well perhaps baby could go to events with you. People love new babies and he/she could likely sleep through the whole event. Good luck.

I left DS for a few hrs at about 6wks old with my mam. Obviously I was more than comfortable to leave him with his other parent to see friends/pop out to shops etc from the start. I breastfed but had no problems with expressing.

We left him overnight with my mam when he was 5mths old to go to a local hotel and celebrate my Birthday, he was an angel and slept straight through. I then went away for 4 days to Spain later that month with friends and DS was fine with DH, who is just as capable a parent as me so I feel completely comfortable when he's with him.
From 1yr old DS spends one night a week at DPILs and loves this (work/travel reasons if that makes a difference). He's a very confident, secure and happy little boy who's super chilled and so I don't think it's done him any harm.
It's not always been easy, and I have suffered from terrible anxiety but in the long run I think it's been beneficial. It's certainly just each to their own though, the right decision is whatever you decide you're comfortable with.

I left mine with DH at 8 weeks both times to see take that. Tickets bought before pregnancy. I hated it and it was to soon.

With first he had his first over night at 9 months - but we stopped over too. We went to a wedding local to in laws. He was over a year before he had a sleep over without usI think.

Noway would I have been ready to go out with DH for any extended period at weeks old.

I left dc1 with my parents at 11 days old for two hours, to go to a restaurant 100 meters from our flat to celebrate DH's promotion. We returned to find my parents eating takeaway with the TV up loud to drown out her screaming in the carry cot. They didn't hear us come in, it was so loud. Unperturbed my mother said "oh she hasn't been crying long and she drank the expressed milk you left. Obviously we had to put her down to eat"

I've never left any of my children with my parents since. I left dc1 with MIL at 24 months (we lived a long way from her until dc1 was 22 months so they had to get to know one another. I left dc2 with MIL earlier - 9 months probably, and dc3 similar. Though not overnight til 18 months for dc2 and 3.

I massively regret leaving dc1 with my parents when she was so tiny even though it was nearly 15 years ago.

I was obviously a shit mum too. Mine went to my mum’s for three days when he was five months while we went to a festival. His bond with his grandparents was rock solid.

I left mine at 3 months with my mil for an overnight work Christmas party. I was excited to go but in the end it wasn’t that fun. I was worried and exhausted and as I was exclusively breast feeding I had to pump all night and was so sore. I didn’t do it till much later for my second.

We left 8 month old ds with grandma for the first time this evening.... stayed out for 3.5 hours. He’s breastfed and a bottle refuser.

With dd she had an evening with grandma at 3 months. She was bottle fed. She had her first overnighter at about 3 years.

I think it’s really difficult to judge in advance how you’ll feel, so I wouldn’t commit to much until I knew how I felt.

It’s very difficult to leave a very young EBF baby for longer than one or two feeds (2-6 hours) because:

Many women find it hard to express, and might need to do a lot of expressing sessions just to get one or two feeds. Expressing is the last thing you want to do while establishing BF.

You’ll have to express off the milk you aren’t feeding during the time away (if it’s more than one or two feeds) which is often logistically tricky when out.

You may still be establishing BF even at eight weeks, and you risk messing with supply by skipping feeds, and baby getting hungry if she’s feeding more regularly than textbook timing.

Many EBF babies won’t/can’t take a bottle at all.

And, you may find the panic of being away from your baby as it’s only food source more stressful than it’s worth.

I didn’t leave my EBF baby overnight until she was about 18 months old, fwiw!

I think dc1 was about 14 months the first time I left him for a couple of hours with mil. First time I left him overnight was when he was nearly 2 and I was having dc2.

In the first six weeks you won’t know your arse from your elbow so highly doubt you’d want to go out and leave a BF baby, who may well be cluster feeding at this stage. Maybe at 8 weeks for a few hours. I haven’t yet though 🤣 I left DD 5 with my mum at 3 months for a few hours and I couldn’t settle at all. 🤷‍♀️

At about 3 months. I left ds with my dsis while I had my hair cut - about three hours.

No-one else until he was 18 months, then a child minder for short periods while I went for job interviews.

There are some of his dad’s family I still wouldn’t trust now, and ds is at senior school

I was leaving him with DH and happily going out and about within about 2 weeks.

A few hours - hmm, maybe 3 months? I'd left him with ex-step-MIL and also my post partum Doula for a few hours at that age.

All day - well, I went back to work at 4 1/2 months, so...then (I'm in the US).

Overnight - absolutely not ready. He's 8 months.

I never had any issue leaving mine from pretty early on. I'd go out for an hour or two as soon as we came home. Overnights were with my parents but not until a few months.

Your plan sounds perfect OP because you're only going to know what is ok for you once you've had your baby

I'm still not comfortable and he is 11.

No way could I leave a baby, I used to sleep facing them!
Everyone is different. Make no plans and only do what you are comfortable doing.

DS was ebf (ALL.THE.TIME), so leaving him at that age was not possible. I didn't want to anyway. If I had an invite out, either he came with me or we didn't go at all. My first outing with ds was when he was 12 days old, just to a friend's house for dinner and to watch the rugby with some of their other friends, we had a great evening.

DS1 I left for a few hours at 3months with MIL. I didn't feel ready and really missed him. I left him overnight 3 weeks ago at 20months to give birth to DS2.

Sitting with a 3week old there's no way I'd be able to leave him for more than half an hour next week. He's bf which makes it tricker as my milk supply is definitely not established yet and expressing is hit or miss. I'd decline the invitations or ask to take DC.

It's not just about how comfortable you'll feel leaving them with someone else, it's how comfortable you will feel to be doing a public facing social event so soon after the birth. For me at four weeks on there was no way in hell that was a possibility (something I never would have considered or understood pre-childbirth)