So my husband works more than I do

[PebbleStone22]

DH has told me that I should do bedtime routine for our son more than him, as he works more. He is full time. I work 22.5hrs/week.

I have swiftly informed him to have a chat with his manager on Monday about going part time and I'll go back to full time. Then he can see how little I work.
Aibu?

Cherry pavlova
So when the op is not doing her 22 plus hours she is having her nails done, going to parties, sleeping.
I think not!
When will people accept that paid work is not the only type of work and that caring for children is just as if not more valid.

I loved doing bedtimes. It was my chance to talk absolute nonsense with the DC! Rather do bedtimes than the ironing!

Shame you view bedtime as a total chore OP. Trust me, in the blink of an eye those days will soon be gone.

sallyedmondson Did I suggest that? I think I suggested parenting was a shared responsibility but that if you are doing fewer paid hours, you inevitably do more childcare hours. Seems very obvious particularly if children are in school and part-time work means you have less contact time.

Yanbu, as others have said, it is quality time together. I love the chats with my daughter in bed having a cuddle. I work 22.5 hours a week too and my husband full-time. However I do almost all bedtimes because he gets in as she is getting out the bath, sometimes as she is in bed having a story, then cooks dinner while I'm upstairs. I usually do dinner on one of my days off and then he would do bedtime instead. I'm not the best cook and my husband really enjoys it, so makes sense. What I'm saying is, we both share the household 'chores' of an evening (not that bedtime is a chore!!), despite me working less hours. We have always done this and he still cooked when I was on maternity leave (i know i am very lucky!!!)
What is your husband doing whilst you do bedtime? Sorry if you have already said!

For those saying bedtime isn't a chore, my daughter was still screaming for hours every single bedtime until she was four and a bit. I defy anyone not to find trying to settle a screaming toddler for up to four hours a night a chore. And yes, we did CC and we did sitting in the room and we did reassuring her and nothing worked because she is just hideously stubborn.

DH did what he could, did bathtime and stories while I wound down and did the dishes, but he couldn't bear to hear her scream so it became my job while he dealt with our older child.

I think we can probably proceed on the assumption that the OP isn't expecting her DH to do bedtime when he is not actually physically present 🙄

That's why I asked what time bedtime was and what time he came in at. Sometimes a parent can just be in at bedtime. Like here bedtime is between 9 pm and 9.30pm.... Dh is here but just in the door. A child may go to bed at 7pm and the parent be in at 6.30/7pm. It's not much time to sit down, go toilet etc

Would you prefer to work full time OP? If so then that’s definitely worth pursuing, bedtimes notwithstanding. I love putting DD to bed. It sounds like you’re both fighting not to do it.

Cherrypavlova
No we don't know what age the children are but as the op talks about "doing bedtime " I imagine that they are both small. Perhaps she could enlighten us.
If this is the case and she is doing child care and housecare when she is not working how is it ok for her partner to opt out when he gets home?

@crispysausagerolls

I see your point of view. I just don’t think being with the children is as hard as being at work. I’m with my son all week and I don’t see it as being the same as when I was in an office all day and had to commute etc. I find that much more tiring and personally I would think it’s reasonable to do more of a split where the days where the husband is working full time he does less at home!

I think the first part of this is a sweeping statement and not necessarily true for all. I really think it depends what your DC are like. I'm still on maternity leave but on the days where I've done KIT days, it's felt like a holiday compared to being at home with DS. I can have a coffee whilst it's hot, I can eat lunch without DS clinging to me, crying, being sick on me, I can do all sorts that I cannot do when I have DS. I don't mind doing all of those things for DS because he is totally worth it, but being home with him is very physically demanding.

On days where DP has taken annual leave, he has admitted himself he couldn't do it full time and that caring for a baby all day alone is harder than a day in the office.

For what it's worth, I have a senior management position in a Chief Executive's department to give an idea of how demanding my role is, and I still stay that being at home all day is harder than going to work.

YANBU! Well done nipping it in the bud.

Unpaid work round the house is just as important as his paid work at a desk. It's also usually more soul destroying. If you swapped I think he would regret it quickly!

I'm a sahp and we take it turn about each night even though hubby works full time.

Completely agree, @TokenGinger.

You cannot generalise that being at home with children is easier than being at work. It depends on (a) how many children you have, how old they are etc and (b) what you do as a job.

I have a lot of friends who are working parents and readily admit that their work is 'like a day off' compared to being home with DC.

I have others who would equally readily admit that being home with DC is like a holiday.

Depends on the job and the family circumstances!

Yanbu, don't think my DH appreciated what it was like having our DDs solo until he had to do it. No housework got done that day.

@TokenGinger

I am just giving my point of view. Your experience; as with @dietcokeandwine ‘s, are clearly different. I don’t think that the OP has really given enough information for people to assess and comment on.

My husband is a stay at home dad, I work full time (+!!) but we split it equally for two reason, A) I WANT to do it, love the bedtime reading and sleepy snuggles and B) we share responsibilities as much as possible. He works just as hard as I do being at home.

I don't really understand the relevance of the argument over whether working is harder than childcare. There are two possibilities here:
a) childcare is easy, in which case why can't someone who has been at work do it?
b) childcare is hard, in which case why wouldn't the person who had done it all day get a break?

My DH works very long hours, but the times were he is home for bedtime he always does the story and usually bath too. He wants to because he misses her when he is at work.

My husband works incredibly long hours and I'm a SAHM. DH does all the bedtimes because it's the only time he gets with his son during the week.

You cannot generalise that being at home with children is easier than being at work. It depends on (a) how many children you have, how old they are etc and (b) what you do as a job.

This!

Although I utterly despair of anyone who trots out the pathetic "At work, I can drink a coffee whilst it's hot / go to the toilet on my own" lines as a compelling argument for why being at home with the children is tougher than being at work. You are your own worst enemies.

So he views his children's bedtime as a chore, that you should do because he has a big important job, and people with big important jobs shouldn't have to do chores. I hope his children never know that he argued for spending less time with them.

My dh works from home and essentially works part time hours. He is living his dream having quit the rat race at Christmas. This has only been possible because I've agreed to remain on the treadmill, working ft in a stressful job. I absolutely expect he picks up more 'house' jobs. He was complaining today that he spent three hours cleaning. He is shocked because he had never done it by himself before. When we both worked ft, he cleaned the bathroom and did a bit of hoovering whilst I did everything else and picked up the slack. However, this week I've worked 3, 13 hour days in a row due to a high workload. He has spent a day at a museum whilst the kids were at school/nursery, done a bit of writing (his job that he does from home). Done a morning of supply, Been for a couple of runs, called in to chat to his mum and stayed for a few hours. Perused the shops and is now out with friends. I absolutely do expect he picks up more of the household stuff, not bedtimes, because I love that time with my girls and we alternate. However, my life is nicer knowing I've not got a weekend of cleaning ahead of me. You need to find a compromise with your dh. Don't underestimate the mental strain of being the primary earner. He absolutely still needs to do his bit, but, it needs to be proportionate.

You cannot generalise that being at home with children is easier than being at work

This is so true. The working person may do a 9-5 desk job, and the SAHP may have 3 SN children who don't sleep through the night yet. Just a random example I know but it all hugely depends on the individual family's circumstances.

OP hasn't been back to answer anything- she stated her hours- but not his. No idea what time he comes on, or what weekend are like. Not really fair to state he's not doing his share, when no details given regarding what he does do.

Or the ages of the child. Is he 8 and in full time school and routine is prompting teeth, PJs and a story/ chat or baby/ toddler and it's a full on bedtime routine?