So my husband works more than I do

[PebbleStone22]

DH has told me that I should do bedtime routine for our son more than him, as he works more. He is full time. I work 22.5hrs/week.

I have swiftly informed him to have a chat with his manager on Monday about going part time and I'll go back to full time. Then he can see how little I work.
Aibu?

Its not massively helpful but I am in the process of leaving my sons Dad. He loves his son but he doesn't pull his weight at all. I have become sick to death of him being able to opt out of parenting when it suits him. He rarely puts son to bed, doesn't get up in the night, leaves him crying in the morning on his days off as his lie in is more important than mine, hes constantly moaning when he has him as he doesn't get time to himself then once son is in bed, hes out running or at the gym most nights.
We both work full time but he seems to have the option to opt out. Well I have permanently opted out as I'm not taking it anymore.

I work ft and my partner is now a SAHD. I do bedtime nearly every day as it's the best quality time I get with DS, so I think YANBU!

I work around 20 h hubby works 50+ I do all the cooking because I’m in first. I tend to do all of the cleaning as I can do it when he’s at work.

We have no idea whether OP is BU from her post. It depends what both DH and she do when they are not in their paid jobs. Also what "full time" means - some jobs are more full time than others!

There is a world of difference between a DH who is out of the house from 7-7 each day whilst OP has 1 6 year old child who is at school for a chunk of time, and a DH who is out of the house from 8-4.30, whilst OP juggles triplets under 1.

(or most likely somewhere in the middle).

... On balance I suspect OP is BU because she wouldn't actually want to swap even if DH agreed to it.

I’ll admit I do see bedtime as a chore. The kids are tired, I’m tired, their behaviour deteriorates, my patience wears thin.
My DH misses bedtime most days because of his working hours, but if he does get home earlier and I’m upstairs with the kids, he will ‘hide’ in the kitchen until they are down. I don’t blame him! Coming up would only excite them and extend the time it took to get them asleep. I know the routine, they need the consistency and a change to it can really upset them.
So I can see where your DH is coming from.

DH has always done bathtime since he works FT and I work PT so he likes having time with them. We share bedtime but in the early days when I was at home he would do the last feed and bedtime because I was shattered after a day at home with a baby/toddler and newborn.

He occasionally makes comments about how he works longer hours than me, the last time it was over a meal with his parents. I told him I'd go back to full time and he could go part time and do all the drop offs, pick ups, dog walking, cooking and food shopping. His mother then chipped in with "and the washing and the kids' activities." shockingly it hasn't come up since

Another moment of being so glad I told my bastard stbxh to get lost.

When one person does more childcare normally that parent gets on with housework while the other parent does bedtime. It makes lore sense as that way they get more time with the kids and the other person gets a break from kids and the house gets sorted a bit.

I used to work 40 hours a week (at least)and had an hour 45 minute commute each way. I was exhausted at the end of the day. I lived for spending time in the evening with my children and putting them to bed.

Exactly, @Redskyatnight -it would completely depend on the makeup of the family, how many DC, what kind of job etc. Some jobs are a damn sight easier than being at home with small DC, others a damn sight more demanding and stressful etc etc.

That said, I disagree with everyone who says bedtime is a lovely time, DH (usually out of the house between 7am and about 8pm) and I (work p/t but around kids so am generally at home) both loathe doing the bedtime routine these days. We have big age gaps - not due to choice - and I have literally been putting small children to bed and reading fucking bedtime stories for 16 years and I'm so over it, it's not funny. I usually do bedtime more because I'm around more but I sympathise hugely with any parent who doesn't actually feel it's a lovely calm bonding snugglefest. It isn't, a lot of the time!

YANBU. Anyone who thinks it's ok to opt out of parenting is.

I will note in that my house the one who doesn't do bedtime doesn't sit around - they clean up after dinner and make the lunches for the next day and do laundry or whatever else needs doing. It's amazing how the 'need' to do nothing around the house because working is so exhausting, which so many MN DH's have, the poor lambs, evaporates when you both work full-time and so the only choice is to suck it up!

Why would a child have a 7:00 bedtime if one parent comes home at 6:45?

It's really good for men to do bedtime stories especially when you have a son, encourages boys to read.

Bedtime should not be seen as a chore. Occasionally DH had to work away, he would read DS a story over the phone on those nights.

When I was on maternity leave DH would always do bath time with DS as it was his bonding time with him.

Bedtime can be quite difficult in our house - but i believe that it should be shared equally as possible because from the childs perspective they want to feel like both parents love them and want to tuck them up. Probably even more important if they see less of one parent due to work.
I did have to change my mindset from this is a chore to this is a quiet time, cosy, valuable etc.
Also if anyone is ill or has to go to hospital the child is used to both parents putting them to bed regularly.

I find it quite weird that the full-time parent wouldn't do more bedtimes rather than fewer because it's an opportunity to spend more time with the DC.

Absolutely this! Since when is spending time with your child a chore to be divided by who works what hours? You don't get to be 30% less of a parent because you work more hours a week.

My partner works, I am a stay at home parent And both our children have additional needs.

He works full time and unsociable hours and he still does bath time most nights (whilst I clean up from dinner usually), we share the putting to bed. OH gets up with Dc when sick, gets up early on his day off etc etc.

If you both worked full time who would be responsible then?

Mil is very old fashioned in her views and believes that because Oh goes to work and I’m the stay at home parent I should do everything. Cook, clean (admittedly I do all the cleaning, he doesn’t do a thing around the house tbh), sort the kids, shop etc. thankfully OH doesn’t agree with her. I don’t expect too much of him but he is a hands on dad. I wouldn’t cope without him. My children having additional needs as to the craziness.

They’ve been poorly for 2 weeks, I’ve been stuck in, I’ve not had 5 minutes to wee in peace and oh will taken over a soon as he gets in so I can have a bath etc!

My husband worked long hours doing heavy manual work, but he jealously guarded bedtimes! He enjoyed reading the stories, saying the prayers and all that. I was frazzled after a full day of looking after them, so apart from feeding them when they were still small enough, I was done for the day.
He didn't see it as work, he saw it as precious time with his children.

It depends on bedtime and time he gets home. My dh does 2 nights bedtime, they are his days off. I do the rest cos I'm here. Dh comes in earliest 9pm so not practical to do bedtime.

What kind of split is he proposing? How many nights does he want to do, and what involvement does he have in the family tuning when he comes home from work? Who does weekends, and do you all spend time on weekends together? Who does baths? How old are kids? Many factors to this.

Why would a child have a 7:00 bedtime if one parent comes home at 6:45?

Because the amount of sleep a child needs is not related to what time their parent gets home from work.

Dh works full time, I have been a SAHM for over 15 years. The children no longer need us to do bedtime as they are almost 17 and almost 14.

They have a very strong bond with Dh because we did the bath and bed routine together, one baths, the other sorts pyjamas/milk etc. He wanted to spend time with them, still does. Reading them stories, tucking them into bed. It is so lovely. And is over so fast.

That is what it comes down to, spending time with your children. My sons get off their computers, stop whatever they are doing to greet Dh at the door as he comes in. They love him so much. But then they have always been his priority.

Yes as a part time worker you are no doubt doing the brunt of the housework, shopping, cooking. Bedtime for me does not fall into that category.

It depends on bedtime and time he gets home. My dh does 2 nights bedtime, they are his days off. I do the rest cos I'm here. Dh comes in earliest 9pm so not practical to do bedtime.

I think we can probably proceed on the assumption that the OP isn't expecting her DH to do bedtime when he is not actually physically present 🙄

I think any relationship where you mete parenting tasks out like you're keeping score is pretty crap tbh. We are a team - some evenings he does more, some evenings I do more. If one of us is tired or ill, the other one picks up the slack. We don't keep score.

How does bed time go? With ds1 it was the shit job no one wanted because he hated it and was so stressful we used to take turn about grudgingly with the other cleaning up but ds2 loves bedtime so doesn't seem like a chore either of us will do it but usually dp because hes not seen him as much I dont grumble but I enjoy my nights putting him to bed.