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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think there's a double standard on MN when it comes to contraception?

53 replies

MaryCB · 31/01/2020 15:07

Whenever anyone posts on here about a man who's been tricked into fathering a child because his partner lied about being on the pill, people say he should have used a condom, contraception isn't only the woman's responsibility, etc.

However, if a woman posted that she dislikes condoms, but her long-term partner insists on using them because he doesn't trust that she's really on the pill, there would be a chorus of "Leave the bastard! How dare he accuse you of lying about contraception?"

If a woman posted that her long-term partner agrees to go without condoms on the condition that she lets him stand over her and watch every time she takes her pill, I guarantee she'd be told she was in an abusive relationship.

Which is it? What should men in long-term relationships do if their partner doesn't want to use a condom?

OP posts:
Hoik · 31/01/2020 15:11

What should men in long-term relationships do if their partner doesn't want to use a condom?

Same thing that women have to do when men don't want to use a condom - abstain from sex with that partner or have sex and accept that a pregnancy may be the result.

People in relationships, particularly a long term relationship, should have had the "what if I/you get pregnant?" chat somewhere along the line anyway.

PotholeParadise · 31/01/2020 15:14

I think this is called social skills.

You don't say 'I don't trust you' to people and expect people not to find that rude. Indeed, there are multiple people in my life I don't trust, and I wouldn't dream of stomping up to them and saying, "I don't trust you". Mind you, I don't shag them either, which helps.

You do say, "it's really important to me not to have a baby at this point in our lives, so I want to use condoms as an additional form of contraception to further reduce our chances of an unplanned pregnancy".

ghostyslovesheets · 31/01/2020 15:15

Lol you lost me at ‘tricked ‘

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/01/2020 15:19

I'm of the opinion that if a person doesn't want a baby, they should use contraception, male or female. Or the other option is don't have sex.

I'm on the pill. I wouldn't trust a man to take care of contraception so I will always use my own.

mbosnz · 31/01/2020 15:20

Well, for me, the family mantra is 'two, count 'em, two forms of contraception, one of them being a condom, unless you're in a long term exclusive relationship where you've both been tested for STD's.'

That keeps everyone safe on most possible levels.

PotholeParadise · 31/01/2020 15:27

mbosnz

I am particularly unsympathetic to most 'she tricked me' stories I hear, because they always seem to occur against a background in which they are both irresponsible not to use condoms, and it's to be hoped the baby won't be at risk of contracting an STI during birth!

It's like no-one remembers HIV even exists any more.

Original poster
MaryCB · 31/01/2020 15:27

You do say, "it's really important to me not to have a baby at this point in our lives, so I want to use condoms as an additional form of contraception to further reduce our chances of an unplanned pregnancy".

Let's be honest, she's going to realise this is probably code for "I don't trust you".

OP posts:
Boom45 · 31/01/2020 15:28

I do love the double standards threads. Some people are so cruel to the poor, put upon men arent they?
If a woman posted that her partner insisted on using condoms or insisted on "standing over her" while she took the pill I'd probably think it sounded like a shitty relationship yeah. I like a partner to trust me when I tell him stuff.
However all contraception is fallible and if you have sex you might make a baby, at least men dont have to carry and birth them - I reckon they have the better deal when it comes to "consequences" of sex.

PurpleDaisies · 31/01/2020 15:29

However, if a woman posted that she dislikes condoms, but her long-term partner insists on using them because he doesn't trust that she's really on the pill, there would be a chorus of "Leave the bastard! How dare he accuse you of lying about contraception?"

Has this EVER happened?

mbosnz · 31/01/2020 15:29

I'd take that as code for 'I'm going to take personal responsibility for contraception, because I really don't want an STI or a baby, so I'll do mine, and you will hopefully do yours. . .'

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 31/01/2020 15:30

However, if a woman posted that she dislikes condoms, but her long-term partner insists on using them because he doesn't trust that she's really on the pill, there would be a chorus of "Leave the bastard! How dare he accuse you of lying about contraception?"

In 11 years of being on MN I have never once seen this scenario posted.

Cornettoninja · 31/01/2020 15:39

but her long-term partner insists on using them because he doesn't trust that she's really on the pill, there would be a chorus of "Leave the bastard! How dare he accuse you of lying about contraception?"

Any evidence of this? The internet is a big place - I’ll wait.

Or maybe you shouldn’t start threads based on fantastical assumptions.

PicsInRed · 31/01/2020 15:43

Has this EVER happened?

Not that I've ever seen.

PotholeParadise · 31/01/2020 15:43

Let's be honest, she's going to realise this is probably code for "I don't trust you".

Sounds more like code for "I actually have a clue about how contraception works, and realise it can fail. So I'm going to be responsible and not assume it's just magic that women do."

We could drop the unplanned pregnancy rate tremendously if we could wave a magic wand and make sure every woman in the country knew how contraceptives all worked.

If you waved a magic wand and made sure all men understood how they worked, that unplanned pregnancy rate would drop again.

How many young men do you know who can give the perfect use and typical use failure rate for the combined hormonal contraceptive?

How many young men do you know who can give the perfect use and typical use failure rate for the progesterone-only hormonal contraceptive?

Sleeveen · 31/01/2020 15:49

However, if a woman posted that she dislikes condoms, but her long-term partner insists on using them because he doesn't trust that she's really on the pill, there would be a chorus of "Leave the bastard! How dare he accuse you of lying about contraception?"

Please link to the numerous times this has happened on a Mn thread. Or, you know, didn't.

Sounds more like code for "I actually have a clue about how contraception works, and realise it can fail. So I'm going to be responsible and not assume it's just magic that women do."

Yes.

PotholeParadise · 31/01/2020 16:03

4453 people were newly diagnosed [with HIV/AIDS during 2018.[5]An estimated 43% of diagnoses were late (likely to have been living with the virus for over three years).[6]Late diagnosis is associated with a 10-fold increase in the chance of death during the first year after diagnosis.[7]

Wikipedia

In 2017, more than 44,500 people were diagnosed with gonorrhoea in England, with most cases affecting young men and women under the age of25.

NHS page on gonorrhea

Meanwhile, Syphilis is coming bavk.
Syphilis might be more commonly associated with centuries past. But it's been on the rise for the past decade in England, with more cases last year than in any year since 1949.

The disease was, in effect, eradicated in the UK in the mid-80s only to re-emerge around 1999.

BBC

Use. Condoms.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 31/01/2020 16:03

I've never seen your second scenario, and I've been here a while.

But in any case, there's going to be double standards, because there's different effects for the people involved. A woman can end up creating a whole new human, the most a man is on the hook for is some money. So of course there's going to be unequal answers, the consequences are unequal!

Misandra · 31/01/2020 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Urkiddingright · 31/01/2020 16:11

In a long term relationship I’d expect trust to be a major contributing factor therefore a man wouldn’t have to stand over his partner watching her take her pill every day, he’d trust that she’s doing it. In new relationships or even just casual sex, condoms should always be worn. Period.

Urkiddingright · 31/01/2020 16:12

Also I think there’s always an element of risk involved with sex and this should be accepted by both partners. No contraception is foolproof.

53rdWay · 31/01/2020 16:12

However, if a woman posted that she dislikes condoms, but her long-term partner insists on using them because he doesn't trust that she's really on the pill, there would be a chorus of "Leave the bastard! How dare he accuse you of lying about contraception?"

So to clarify: you're getting annoyed with MN based on what you have decided people on MN would say? Not what you have actually seen people say? Seems like an odd thing to get your boxers in a twist over if you ask me but up to you.

Regardless, you're comparing apples and oranges.
"I would like to use condoms as well as the pill because you/I really don't want to end up with a pregnancy" - fine, whether it's him or her saying it.
"I would like to use condoms as well as the pill because we haven't been together that long and I'm being cautious" - fine, whether it's him or her saying it.
"I would like to use condoms as well as the pill even though we're in a long-term established relationship because I just don't trust you" - bit weird, whether it's him or her saying it, but maybe there's a backstory of mendacious lies or something, who knows.

FrogsFrogs · 31/01/2020 16:13

'However, if a woman posted that she dislikes condoms, but her long-term partner insists on using them because he doesn't trust that she's really on the pill, there would be a chorus of "Leave the bastard! How dare he accuse you of lying about contraception?"'

Key word here is IF.

so you've taken some imaginary scenarios, guessed what the response would be, and got very angry on behalf of men.

I want links to where your IFs have actually happened.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 31/01/2020 16:14

I haven't particularly heard of women having strong feelings like that about condoms - I guess some must, but I've never found that it affects my enjoyment, and the cleanup is a darn site easier...

FrogsFrogs · 31/01/2020 16:14

And not 1 or 2 posters but the promised chorus of 'leave the bastard'.

Interested to know your thoughts on the multiple threads where men don't fancy a vasectomy and press their partners to get tubes tied.

MorrisZapp · 31/01/2020 16:15

I agree and I've often thought the same. What is the pill even for at all if its only to be used in conjunction with condoms?

My brothers partner told him she was taking the pill but she wasn't. He trusted her just to take it, as she had said she was. But of course if he didn't want a baby he should have used condoms according to MN.