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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To circulate details of bullying acts before I leave the WhatsApp group?

84 replies

Justsmileandnod · 30/01/2020 16:52

DD has been bullied relentlessly by two girls for months (junior school). The school has dealt with it appallingly and made it worse. One of the mums is a "much loved" head of PTA, both mums have been told but just made the girls worse. The focus of all the fuss has been on DD as the victim rather than dealing with the girls as the bullies and they seem largely to be escaping public scrutiny.

We have taken DD out of school, waiting for a new school place to come up now. I know I should just rise above it all and concentrate on DD now but I'm so angry about it all. I have a complete list of all the physical and emotional acts of bullying that the girls have carried out over the months. WIBU to circulate that list on the class WhatsApp group before leaving the group?

OP posts:

VisionQuest · 30/01/2020 18:45

I would worry that the bullying will start up again at senior school. Don't send her to the same school as those two girls.

Jilljams · 30/01/2020 18:46

Instead you should write to the headteacher copying in the Chair of governors and ofsted. In the letter detail all the incidents and how they were handled by the school. Tell them that you consider it a safeguarding issue and they have failed to keep your daughter safe.

Changeembrace · 30/01/2020 18:46

Do not do this.
You do not know what lies ahead in next few years. These girls could end up attending same school as your dd

AudaCityLimits · 30/01/2020 18:49

What about, "Hey guys, you've probably heard DD is moving schools- school didn't deal with the two bullies, so we've had no choice. But we'd love for DD to stay in tough with her friends from the village, so please get in touch if you fancy a play date."

Original poster

Justsmileandnod · 30/01/2020 18:50

Bouledeneige that sounds horrific. What is wrong with people!? You are right though - you are all v wise. I must play the long game.

I will also look into the role of the education welfare officer a bit more, thank you.

While I agree with those of you who say keep fighting I just haven't got the energy - I'm going to funnel all my energy into getting my DD through this and remaining dignified. I'll also go and scream into a pillow.

OP posts:

GFJoe · 30/01/2020 18:57

Probably not. Tempting though.

JeansNTees · 30/01/2020 18:58

I agree with reporting to Ofsted, with all the steps you took before having to remove your daughter. The school has negatively affected your DD's education and they should be held to account, and inspected.

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 30/01/2020 19:13

No, I can see why it'd be tempting, but don't stoop to their level - rise above it.
Potential to make it so much worse, once it's out there it can't be taken back.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/01/2020 19:17

I agree with writing to the school - head and governors. You can use this letter when your dd goes to secondary to ensure she is not placed in the same class and hopefully not the same stream as the culprits. You may find you can use this to build a case to send your dd to a secondary school out of catchment if getting there is doable.

You’ve totally done the right thing protecting her. This is a difficult life lesson for you all. I hope she will be very happy soon.

GreenTulips · 30/01/2020 19:17

Have you got a copy of the complaints procedure?

Get it. Read it. Quote it.

Send to the head and department of education.

Silverspring · 30/01/2020 19:26

I wouldn’t. Simply as when they land at the same high school, she will be an instant target to see how long she can last before they can get her to leave there too.

I’d probably make some noise about some other poor aspect of the school (results? teacher turnover?) and how alongside sliding behaviour management, now is a good time for your family to take up a place at X primary.

And then sort out the damage to your daughter away from the horrors. You won’t make them sorry or stop if the PTA Chair (or Governors or similar) offspring are involved sadly.

Girlmeetsbook · 30/01/2020 19:27

Write it down and burn it. Tempting as it is it's unlikely to have the effect you want ie the hurt they've caused to be recognised. The ones who know the truth will know, and for everyone else on the WhatsApp it's just a juicy drama for them to nose about. Hold your head up and focus on the future success of your daughter away from these people.

Puppy78 · 30/01/2020 19:31

Bullies always find a victim. Let your daughter leave, get a fresh start and gain some confidence for when she may face these girls again. Sit tight and wait for the bullies to either turn on each other or pic on someone else. That's how everyone will find out.

RandomUser3049 · 30/01/2020 19:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 30/01/2020 19:33

I wouldn't do it if there is any chance that they will see each other again or have to attend the same secondary school.

What I would do though, is write a letter to the headteacher, chair of governors and the LEA and detail everything, including why you have had to take your daughter out of school. I'm almost sure that this has to kept on school record and has to be provided to OFSTED. The school will also have to explain to them what they did to protect your daughter etc, which obviously they haven't as you've had to remove her.

RandomUser3049 · 30/01/2020 19:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Legoandloldolls · 30/01/2020 19:33

My son was on the outskirts of a bullying incident at school. I asked for a meeting with school about it as I knew nothing of it until the mum of the bullied child phoned me.

Private school and when I went in the HT said the school was looking into this mums "libellous actions" maybe private is more hot on their reputation but they was not happy she had named names

spongedog · 30/01/2020 19:37

I would allude not accuse. But in my experience, people turn a blind eye until it happens to their child. Why did they think I would be sympathetic years later, when they came to me complaining about the same bully, when they had only supported me in a very vague way?

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 30/01/2020 19:38

Honestly if you’d bullied my child, I would be telling the whole whatsapp group what little bitches these girls were. You’d get no holding back from me, maybe PTA mummy would like to explain to the whole group 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes to writing to the school telling the how disgusted I am with the handling of it all as well.

Girls can be vile, All the time I was in primary school I had a hell of a time, secondary school wasn’t much better one of them broke my arm at the worst point of it all. After that mum didn’t want to send me back to school, Dad said it was best if I did but he told me if she touched me again to make sure I hit harder...Well first day back she started again despite the fact she’d broken my not long before so I hit her funny enough she never done anything again.
Thankfully year 11 & uni was grand, some girls were still bitches but by then I’d learnt to answer back and even now as an adult I don’t put up with being badly treated by anyone.

Your poor DD, bullying really is the stuff you remember for years to come.

How is her confidence? Would a self defence class or a dance class be good for her confidence wise?

Does she know that if someone is physically hurting her, she can hurt them back if it’s the only way to make them stop? She does not have to stand and let someone hurt her. Defending herself is ok.

With name calling, that kind of stuff tell her they say it because inside they are sad little girls and feel that way about themselves.

Make an effort to compliment things about your dd when you can

Obligatorync · 30/01/2020 19:44

Oh, YANBU to want to, but I don't think it will help and may well make things worse.

PoloMama · 30/01/2020 19:49

I would be open and truthful about my reasons for leaving but not name anyone. Stick to the facts and don’t use overly emotional language. I wouldn’t worry about anything “coming back to bite you” as you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide. My bet is that these two girls will soon find another victim(s) and the other parents will start to realise where the truth lies.

Talkingmouse · 30/01/2020 19:50

If you are going to do anything do it in a formal manner, in unemotional factual language, to the governors/head/ofsted. Do it.

Informally, if your dd has close friends who were not part of the bullying circle, then go on a charm offensive 1-on-1 with their parents, arrange w/e play dates etc, so your dd maintains her old friendship links and the move to the new place is not so severe.

Jux · 30/01/2020 20:01

I wouldn't use their names, if I did it. but I think that on reflection, you would regret it. Do what aspoonful suggests ^^

Coyoacan · 30/01/2020 20:02

Bullies always find a victim This

Bullying is a way of looking at the world, where you seek out other people's sensitivities and work on them. It is usually learnt from their adult authority figures, in this case the school and parents.

In my experience you find a lot more bullying in schools where the head teacher is a bully themself.

B0bbin · 30/01/2020 20:04

I thought yeah go for it, until someone mentioned secondary school. Probably best not. That feeling is horrible, when you really want justice for your child. Hope you get her into a lovely new school

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