To circulate details of bullying acts before I leave the WhatsApp group?

[Justsmileandnod]

DD has been bullied relentlessly by two girls for months (junior school). The school has dealt with it appallingly and made it worse. One of the mums is a "much loved" head of PTA, both mums have been told but just made the girls worse. The focus of all the fuss has been on DD as the victim rather than dealing with the girls as the bullies and they seem largely to be escaping public scrutiny.

We have taken DD out of school, waiting for a new school place to come up now. I know I should just rise above it all and concentrate on DD now but I'm so angry about it all. I have a complete list of all the physical and emotional acts of bullying that the girls have carried out over the months. WIBU to circulate that list on the class WhatsApp group before leaving the group?

I'd carry on the fight with the school. Don't give up.

If you can move house so that you will never see these people again, even at high school, then yes, do it.

Otherwise, it will come back to bite you. These children learned how to bully from someone, and I bet their mums know exactly how to twist things to make themselves look innocent.

I would.

Frankly, it will probably keep them as far as possible from her in future. Because I'd also point out that if they ever go near her again and repeat any of the behaviour after they turn 10, you'll be involving the police.

I think I would say something along the lines of 'As you may be aware, DD has now left X school as a result of the bullying she has had to endure by two other girls. We lost confidence in X school to deal with it, and also with the way it was handled by the parents of those responsible. It's a shame the situation had to come to this, but as I am sure you will all understand DDs needs are paramount, and she has been severely damaged by the behaviour of a minority. Hope to keep in touch.'

That way you're not naming names, listing the incidents, or accusing anyone, just making all the parents aware of the situation - and possibly warning them that the school have been useless with this. Hugs to your DD.

(although I would be SO tempted to provide a full scale breakdown of each and every incident, just to make people squirm)

I would send pear trees message directly to the mums of girls involved. Not on the group chat with other members

Send it to the governors

I wouldn't.

If I was in a WhatsApp group where someone did that, I wouldn't assume that was the whole story. I've heard more than once a parent saying how badly their dc is treated by another when I have seen with my own eyes it's the other way round.

The other parents will be there to give their side of the story. You won't. So they'll be far more likely to be believed and you will have accomplished nothing, and possible ruined any relationships in the future, because parents won't want the risk that you'll do the same to their dc if they associate together.

I also would not write in the WhatsApp group, no matter how tempting. I would probably tell all in person to whoever would listen, though!

I once worked at a school and uncovered a scam that one of the secretaries was running. She was basically stealing from the school. Once I had the proof I went to the Head. She wasn't surprised but to my knowledge she did nothing. I told my superior about the secreatry, who said "That's my friend you're talking about." So, no-one wanted to know :(

This will follow your DD to senior school and clubs etc if you do.

No I wouldnt. No matter what they have done, they are children. You cannot do that.

agree with @witchend if you are not around you will be vilified.
Go to the governors and if that fails the LEA. Is it a church school? Many village schools are, if so go through the church and ask them for the appropriate safe guarding lead in the diocese
Good luck!

Could you write to OFSTED about the school's poor anti-bullying policies?

Tempting though it is, I wouldn't. Pour everything into re building your daughter's confidence and self esteem.
Perhaps a message to the group telling it like it is - you've been driven to this decision by the school's inability to deal with bullying. You can outline a couple
If incidents without naming names but perhaps they will be specific enough to make the perps squirm.
I sympathise. Whe. I jane complained of bullying I was told by head of year 'but their parents are so lovely. Surely not'.
Last laugh is that despite being emotionally bruised my DD is doing better at life than the bullies now she's 21. Focus on helping your DD do the same thing, and good luck x

I think you know it would only cause your DD more problems in the future. I would consider moving to give your DD a fresh start. It’s not ideal for her to be living in a small village where she’s likely to see those girls around out of school and be at secondary school with those girls again in the future. The bullying may continue.

Worst idea ever. As others have pointed out, this could result in criminal/ legal implications. Especially from the local authority (the school will most likely have social media guidelines for parents and yes, they cover parents WhatsApp groups)

If you disgusted, then there are processes available. Report the school via the official channels.

If there is physical bullying can you get the police involved? Is there any formal way to make these girls accountable? Or any way that they will see that their behaviour has consequences?

Although I understand why you wouldn’t do anything I think it just reinforces the message that the bullies haven’t done anything wrong.

It would feel good, but don't. I would be chasing the head for meaningful action. Has any policy been followed? What's the redress at the end of it? Police advised a contact recently that unresolved primary school bullying is a safeguarding issue that should pass up through incompetent Head to social services. Worth a look, especially as soc serv can assist in getting a new school place under the circs.

I would go down the formal route and send the letter to the governors outlining what happened to your daughter and why you're pulling her out and say that you hope they now review their bullying policies so no other child suffers the same fate. Then, if you really wanted to make a point, cc it to Ofsted.

Your poor daughter, though. What did they do to her?

Not a good idea, I agree with the poster above that you need to spend time with dd improving her self esteem. If she goes into a new school with low self esteem then this could happen again. I moved my dd half way though primary school and the bullying continued at the new school and at high school . If your dd is likely to see these girls at high school then I wouldn’t say anything to these parents.

I really wish you would do it, but if I were you, it's the kind of thing I would regret immediately. Take the high road instead. If anyone asks why your DD moved schools, though, you should tell them.

I did something similar when my child was bullied. The school was a private one and they were fucking useless and embarrassingly stupid. I messaged everyone I had details for and I had a few replies. Only one told me off , some didn't reply but quite a few offered support.

The bullies sister was then "picked on" so the child was moved and the bully then had some bones broken at his new school. Mum was not happy.

I would contact the governors outlying all that’s happened. I would not contact the the other parents in case you are accused of harassment.

Do they still have education welfare officers? My daughter was terribly bullied at primary and the school were terrible. A few years later I had a problem with sick son and attendance and was explaining all to EWO when for some reason my concerns about school and what had gone on with DD. The EWO said if I had gone to her she would have dealt with it.
Just an idea, don't know if they still exist.

Oh OP I entirely understand why you'd want to. And Ive read this several tunes and tried to think of ways you could do it - to school, to the parents directly.

Never publicly though.

But the right thing to do is walk away. For two reasons:

• life isn't fair it or delivering closure like a movie and however righteous your case in reality the parents will learn nothing and will close their minds to it. Defensiveness is powerful and no one likes to believe their darling baby is a nasty piece of work
• the risk of making it worse for your DD in the village in the future.

I have had direct experience of this when my DS was bullied. A couple of kinder parents who knew me were kind and supportive (without acknowledging their sons' roles). But the rest either dismissed it - 'boys will be boys' or labelled me a psycho for raising it.

Indirectly I have also seen a situation with a dear friend's son where parental involvement only escalated things - in the end their DS had to go on huge detours to go home and the police were involved after the family car was damaged and rubbish set fire to outside their door. All this 5 years after the initial events. Grudges unjustly build from being shamed or punished.

So in the end you just have to be the better person for the long term. And for your DDs welfare. But it's tough, I know.

I really wouldn't send anything that you wouldn't want repeated back to your DD at secondary school, out-of-school activities - anything like that. I appreciate that you are angry but your words will stick to her more than the culprits.

I hope the new school is a fresh start for her.