To not want to meet his girlfriend because of my weight and the way I look?

[trampolineparknoway]

I'm 16stone 5'8 and I just hate my body, I feel fat I feel self conscious and always avoid going out. Ex and I are still good friends, he lives a walking distance from me, and the kids are staying at his house this weekend. When I asked him what he's doing with them this weekend, he said he's taking them out to a trampoline park and asked if I wanted to join them. I think he wants me to meet his girlfriend, he has previously asked me to come round but I've always made an excuse.

He knows I don't work at weekends, and I'm just at home. So this time I can't make an excuse, as it will just look bad that I don't want to go out with my own children.

His ex is really slim and pretty, I've seen her through the window when they walk back 🙈

I just think she will take one look at me and think wow look at the state of her, can't believe it was with her help!

Well you don’t have to go and you don’t have to meet her but I wouldn’t
t not go or meet her because of the way you look. That’s who you are and you shouldn’t be embarrassed by that.

You are too concerned about what their people think about you. You are worrying what your ex will think of you if you don’t go because you don’t have the children. If someone had asked me to go to a trampoline park on a Saturday I’d say not way, that’s my idea of hell’ because it is and I’m not a bad mother. I just don’t want to go to a trampoline park when I don’t have to. I’d rather do other things with my child free time!

Would you want to go if she looked different?

I get it! I'm in a similar situation, exh's new girlfriend runs half marathons. But I'm a pretty confident person thankfully, I will be seeing her at some point but am able to see beyond the fewer pounds she weighs, the fact my life is more exciting than his helps!

Why should you go and socialise with them on your weekend off ? Tell him you have plans . Go for a massage instead . Bollocks to this " all one happy family " thing .

Saying a quick hello is one thing, but spending time with them as a couple would be weird IMO. I don't think it's something you need to worry about though - you're not duty bound to go. Just say no and don't feel bad about it - I wouldn't.

Yeah, ditch the guilt about not joining your ex’s parenting time!

If you don't want to go, don't go (say you're busy with your mum/friends or say you need the time to catch up on chores, decluttering, getting a haircut whatever).

More than likely, the new girlfriend will have her own insecurities and won't have time or energy to worry about yours. Personally, if she was spending lots of time with my kids I would want to meet her.

I do understand - I've met an ex's new partner and had similar worries, (prior to DC, but still in same social circle) and we ended up getting on like a house on fire. Think the ex was more nervous tbh! And she and I stayed in touch long after they later broke up.

My ex is dating someone incredibly famous and it's killing me to see their pictures together. Doubt I'll ever get asked to meet her.

OP, you need to meet her for your kids sakes? Be kind to yourself.

You are the mother of his children. She is probably anxious about how she compares to the woman he chose to have children with. A lot of people get anxious in these situations. You will have to meet her properly at some point though surely? If she is going to be around long term and around your children, I know I would like to get to know her at least a little. Not with the idea of being best friends or anything like that, but just generally knowing who is around your children

I agree with PP. Say hello as he collects DCs but just say you have other plans for the morning.

Just don’t go. Why would you want to meet her?

I think some men get a bit of a kick from having their ex and current partner together. I think they get a slight sense of “women fighting over them”.

Don’t pander to it. See a friend or go out to the cinema/for a walk/fir cake and coffee by yourself

What I do remember is her being friendly and saying how pleased she was my now DH had met someone. I will never forget this as DSS was with us and it was so healthy for him to see his Mum's reaction. We always then got on OK

Go and meet her, hold out your hand and say something similar, even if it’s oh the dc have said so many nice things about you

I wouldn't spend time with them as a couple. If they're really serious down the line I'd meet up.
Size 16 at your height is not big. Do you know how she looks? If it is any peace of mind to you, a big smile with warm eyes makes a beautiful person regardless of their body shape.

Go and meet her. Know that she will be as anxious about meeting you, if not more so, so concentrate on trying to make her feel comfortable as that will take the pressure of your feelings of self-consciousness.

Not going this time is just delaying it for another time in the near future. You'll still have this worry, so probably better to meet it head on and get it over with.

More importantly though, it sounds like the way you feel about your appearance is holding you back. Time to address it for you, to feel good about yourself. Can you join WW or something similar for support? Go for a walk each day, or swimming - whatever you fancy? It's miserable feeling so down about yourself, and you deserve better.

No advice (I'd probably be shameless about skipping it) but I feel your pain, OP.

I've always been insecure about my weight, and my first boyfriend's long-term ex, who he still seemed a bit hung up on, had an absolutely knockout body. They were both going to do a fun run (It was a long standing annual tradition) and I was supposed to come as a spectator.

But the day before, I broke my nose. So I had this massively swollen nose and two black eyes. I tried to cover it all up with heavy makeup, so I just looked like this slightly fat, really ugly woman with tiny eyes and a huge nose.

Luckily he didn't bring her to meet me, but boy did I feel insecure.

How serious is this relationship? I'm guessing it must be quite serious if she has met your children?

If it were me I'd quite like to meet a partner if things were serious enough she was spending time on days out with the kids, and I'd love it if my ex and his partner wanted to be friendly! Certainly beats the attitude that me and ex can only ever speak in her earshot and only about things to do with our kid, and definitely never be friends (despite the fact we broke up many moons ago and I have a partner myself!!)

All I'm saying is, I get you feel insecure but I think it's nice for the kids when everyone gets along and I'd rather be friendly and bite the bullet to say hi and meet her. Your ex sounds like a nice guy, and I hope you trust him not to pick a shallow idiot to go out with who will judge you rather than be nervous herself and want to make a good impression because she cares about what the mother of her boyfriends kids would think of her.

This could be a useful (to you) meeting to have so I’d find a way to do it. Excuse yourself from the trampoline park and invite them in for a coffee instead - your territory and control - they’re not likely to stay long. Could be quite fun watching the skinny OW eating your biscuits.

OW? Did I miss the op saying he cheated on her with this woman? And skinny women eat biscuits too, why would it be “funny”?

Just think it all the way through OP:

If you were 'gorgeous and slim' like her, what would that really mean... would you want her to look at you and go 'wow', feel insecure and jealous?

or is she going to meet you as you are, have little to no opinion on the way you look but think 'yikes that woman is a nervous wreck and trying way too hard'.

Just be yourself, and be your lovely self. People always remember how you made them feel.

@EmeraldShamrock

Size 16 at your height is not big.

Yes, it is. It’s obese. I know because I’m the same height and trying to lose the excess weight!

@EmeraldShamrock she's not size 16, she's 16 stone.

Just tell him you have other plans - that bit is simple.

The hard bit is how you see yourself. Think about how you're going to work on this, as you really shouldn't feel so badly - no matter how much you weigh!

OP. The girlfriend will be just as nervous trust me.

When I thought (in the early days) that I may be meeting my DP’s Ew, I was petrified. Would she approve? Her role is significant in terms of being the children’s mother and I wanted to make a good impression etc etc. At no point did I care about what she looked like or anything. It wasn’t a factor if you get what I mean?

The best thing you can do is go, be kind and warm and welcoming. And that’s what would stay with me over and above what someone weighed/ looked like.

Trust me, she will be nervous too and desperate to make a good impression.

You are the Mother of his children and still friends with him. She will be nervous to meet you and will be more concerned that she comes over well to you as another woman who has contact with your children than any comparisons on looks. Don't judge yourself or her on looks you have more important things to be focused on.