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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drop out of this trip?

53 replies

Veeeteee · 29/01/2020 23:33

Last autumn 2 friends & myself went on a weekend break. It was a great success so we decided to book another one for a similar time this year & agreed to talk dates.

As soon as we got home, friend 1 messaged to say she'd found a great apartment and had taken the liberty of reserving it for a weekend in September as it could be cancelled up to 3 months in advance. I checked the calendar & saw DH was due to work a 12 hour shift across that entire long weekend. Although our DC are teens & don't need childcare as such, DH has to leave for work long before they need to be up and I'm not sure at this stage whether I trust them to get up & out without supervision. In addition, DC1 (ASD) will have just started college by then and I have no idea how he'll settle and adapt to the change of routine. It will also be the start of DC2 (also some SEN) getting themselves to school without DC1. Friend 2 (single, no kids) insisted the weekend must be in September due to her other commitments. Friend 1 (kids at Uni) had more flexibility. I checked other weekends in September but none were any better for DH's shifts. As I don't think it reasonable to ask him to take leave just for me to go away, I explained that I wouldn't be able to commit to the weekend so far out. Friend 1 said this was fine and we could talk again nearer the time. Friend 2 didn't comment.

A few weeks ago, friend 2 went to stay with friend 1 and was introduced to 2 of her friends. Apparently, the apartment booked is huge so they were invited to join us on the trip (fine by me). Then they found some flights that they were keen to get booked. As I still cannot commit to the weekend, I agreed that they should go ahead and book for themselves. Luckily, I work in travel so can get cheap/last minute flights easily so said I would book for myself and join them for all or part of the weekend when I knew the situation with the kids. Fine.

However, the group chat has been buzzing ever since with ideas for excursions that they seem keen to book up. There is also a particular event they want to book for one evening but are hanging back because of me. I now feel I should drop out of the weekend as I am clearly hindering their plans and, in reality, I won't know how DC1 is coping with college until a week or 2 before the trip. I feel that however I word it, it will come across that I'm pissed off and flouncing.

In truth. although I accept that my childcare issues are not their problem, I do feel disappointed that they went ahead with the weekend even though I'd said from the outset that those dates were tricky. It was just lucky that the preferred weekend for last year's trip fell on DH's rest days (of which he has plenty).

AIBU to drop out now and, if so, how do I play it.

OP posts:
Wheresthebiffer2 · 29/01/2020 23:40

yes it sounds like you need to let them know asap that you cannot make it.

TeeniefaeTroon · 29/01/2020 23:45

I’d ask my DH if he minded taking a holiday day first. Then, if he couldn’t, I’d let them know now.

nzeire · 29/01/2020 23:47

I think it is reasonable to ask him to take leave! They have got caught up in the excitement and started to plan. I don’t know how your kids would be, but with plenty of prep and plenty of notice, as long as they are safe... ?
I say make it happen :)

1Morewineplease · 29/01/2020 23:53

Ask your partner if he’d mind taking leave or else back out of the trip. There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground in your issue unless you ask them all to change the dates.

Haggisfish · 29/01/2020 23:54

My dh would take leave.

saraclara · 29/01/2020 23:59

It's eight months away. Anything could happen to anyone's plans in that time.

I'm amazed that you know your partner's shifts eight months in advance, too. I'd be asking him to take time off, personally. I certainly wouldn't be blaming my friends for booking this. It's not as though they've randomly booked something last minute without checking with you.

SluggishSnail · 30/01/2020 00:02

If it's a weekend away, the DC wouldn't need to get themselves to school.

Pumpkintopf · 30/01/2020 00:06

You sound lovely op and so reasonable. I'd be cross as hell with extra friends joining who I didn't know and a bit miffed that friend 2's needs were so much more important than your own - I mean seriously, is there no other weekend between September and Christmas she could have done?!

WRT to your question I'd just send a nicely worded text saying they should book whatever they want to book as it's unlikely you'll be able to make it.

Butterymuffin · 30/01/2020 00:20

Yes, won't they be at home? I know you've said it's a 'long' weekend but they'll be off Sat and Sun. Also amazed your husband's shifts are known so far in advance.

Winter2020 · 30/01/2020 00:23

Ask your partner to take a shift of leave.

So far in 2020 as well as some family holiday in August and Oct half term I have booked 2 nights leave so my husband can take our eldest away to a concert (and I can look after our toddler) and three nights leave (fri/sat/sun) to go on a trip to my great aunts birthday do which is on the saturday afternoon. I won’t have an awful lot left now to book. What’s the biggy with him taking a shift of leave?

It sounds like he only needs to take one shift of leave and as you say there are no other weekends that month that are any better so unless September is unusual for some reason it’s obviously hard for you to get away without your partner using some leave. To me it sounds more like you either don’t want to go or you are upset that you didn’t get to call the shots with the dates.

HappyExteriorSadInterior · 30/01/2020 00:28

YANBU - It's a shame you will miss out but also a shame the weekend was decided on when you said it would be tricky for you.
I think if you did find a way to join them you would probably be worrying about your DC's and DH most of the time.
Hopefully you can join them on the next one.
(As another poster has said you do sound lovely and very kind hearted in accepting how this weekend has changed and new people have been invited).

Purpleartichoke · 30/01/2020 00:32

I would have dropped out from the very beginning. You need to either commit or decline.

Twillow · 30/01/2020 00:37

Have you discussed it with OH?

Twillow · 30/01/2020 00:38

YABU to discuss it with strangers on the internet rather than DH!

notangelinajolie · 30/01/2020 00:41

My DH would book the time off work.

BumbleBeee69 · 30/01/2020 00:42

Decline

Gooseysgirl · 30/01/2020 00:44

My DH would take leave in this situation. Discuss with him and let them know whether you're going or not ASAP.

BlankTimes · 30/01/2020 00:50

I'd drop out, both boys may be in need of extra support from you because of the major changes in their routines at that time.

DecemberSnow · 30/01/2020 00:50

But its a weekend?

So only maybe a Friday or Monday your husband would need time off?
Can he not request it?

Youve seen his rota for September?
That's a long way ahead...

Italiangreyhound · 30/01/2020 01:00

To be honest no one is being unreasonable here so I am not voting.

However, in you shoes I would ask my dh to take time off so I could go on a once a year visit with friends.

I expect you do loads of things for your husband and your kids and put them all first a lot of the time. So it is not unreasonable for you to mention the visit to your dh and also to suggest he could take leave (give him a moment to digest the situation because he may volunteer to take leave).

It's not just that they picked a date in September you could not make, one said let's do September and you couldn't do any dates in September - is that correct?

So either you can't go or the friend who is only free in September can't go.

This will probably be a great weekend and a lot of fun and will almost certainly lead to more 'let's do this next year', why cut yourself out of this?

However, if you think your dh cannot give your kids the support they need, then you are not unreasonable to drop out.

My kids need a lot of extra support but I figure having to deal with many issues I also need to make some time for me, and think you should too, even if it means arriving a day late or leaving a day early etc. You are allowed to think of yourself. Thanks

Original poster
Veeeteee · 30/01/2020 07:27

Thank you for your replies. The weekend is Thurs-Tues and we worked the shift out as soon as I heard (always follows the same pattern). I had discussed taking leave with DH but he was not keen - his leave is precious as he doesn't get loads. He has family holiday and other commitments to fit in including the fact we're having building work and he wants to save some leave in case he needs to take it around that. He couldn't understand why friend 2 was so inflexible - tbh she does have form for doing things to suit herself and I suspect she probably could have found other weekends but she had decided on September as it fiitted nicely around other plans and holidays. She doesn't get the situation with my kids at all and I suspect thinks I'm just being awkward but I'm genuinely worried about DC1, it's a big year for him and he must come first!

I would like to go as I suspect that if I don't i'll be excluded from future trips but not sure I have much choice.....

OP posts:
MrsStrangerThing · 30/01/2020 07:38

Your friend was happy to go any weekend in September. You don't want to go any weekend in September. I wouldn't say that makes her more inflexible than you? Sounds like you have no option but to cancel. Its hardly flouncing, just explain that your husband doesn't want to take annual leave and you don't want to leave the teen to sort themselves in the morning. Doesn't need to be a drama! Its really unfair leaving things up in the air like this when they make plans.

KittenVsBox · 30/01/2020 07:39

I think you've already decided you will only go if it falls on DHs off days. That's not going to change (unless he moves to a different shift), so I think you need to pull out.

Those questioning the shifts - my old place of work had them printed for the next 5 years. You were assigned to ABCD or E shift, and then followed a fixed pattern.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2020 07:46

Well if they exclude you in the future that doesn't say much for them does it?

PerfectParrot · 30/01/2020 07:46

I explained that I wouldn't be able to commit to the weekend so far out

So you didn't say no and didn't / couldn't suggest any alternative weekends which would work for you? Then I don't really see what your friends have done wrong. The only other thing they could have done is to not book to go away at all - and that would have been very unfair on them.

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