Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drop out of this trip?

53 replies

Veeeteee · 29/01/2020 23:33

Last autumn 2 friends & myself went on a weekend break. It was a great success so we decided to book another one for a similar time this year & agreed to talk dates.

As soon as we got home, friend 1 messaged to say she'd found a great apartment and had taken the liberty of reserving it for a weekend in September as it could be cancelled up to 3 months in advance. I checked the calendar & saw DH was due to work a 12 hour shift across that entire long weekend. Although our DC are teens & don't need childcare as such, DH has to leave for work long before they need to be up and I'm not sure at this stage whether I trust them to get up & out without supervision. In addition, DC1 (ASD) will have just started college by then and I have no idea how he'll settle and adapt to the change of routine. It will also be the start of DC2 (also some SEN) getting themselves to school without DC1. Friend 2 (single, no kids) insisted the weekend must be in September due to her other commitments. Friend 1 (kids at Uni) had more flexibility. I checked other weekends in September but none were any better for DH's shifts. As I don't think it reasonable to ask him to take leave just for me to go away, I explained that I wouldn't be able to commit to the weekend so far out. Friend 1 said this was fine and we could talk again nearer the time. Friend 2 didn't comment.

A few weeks ago, friend 2 went to stay with friend 1 and was introduced to 2 of her friends. Apparently, the apartment booked is huge so they were invited to join us on the trip (fine by me). Then they found some flights that they were keen to get booked. As I still cannot commit to the weekend, I agreed that they should go ahead and book for themselves. Luckily, I work in travel so can get cheap/last minute flights easily so said I would book for myself and join them for all or part of the weekend when I knew the situation with the kids. Fine.

However, the group chat has been buzzing ever since with ideas for excursions that they seem keen to book up. There is also a particular event they want to book for one evening but are hanging back because of me. I now feel I should drop out of the weekend as I am clearly hindering their plans and, in reality, I won't know how DC1 is coping with college until a week or 2 before the trip. I feel that however I word it, it will come across that I'm pissed off and flouncing.

In truth. although I accept that my childcare issues are not their problem, I do feel disappointed that they went ahead with the weekend even though I'd said from the outset that those dates were tricky. It was just lucky that the preferred weekend for last year's trip fell on DH's rest days (of which he has plenty).

AIBU to drop out now and, if so, how do I play it.

OP posts:
Cyberlibre · 30/01/2020 07:47

Tbh I think you've been difficult. You can't do any weekend in September? That far in advance? You said that weekend may be difficult but didn't suggest any others? Of course they are going to go ahead and plan, you are holding them back. I'm sorry to be blunt but I think you've been inflexible and perhaps could have suggested a couple of alternative weekends.

StCharlotte · 30/01/2020 07:49

I'm amazed that you know your partner's shifts eight months in advance, too.

My friend is a paramedic and last January she already knew she wouldn't be working at Christmas.

Cyberlibre · 30/01/2020 07:49

And yes I agree with parrot
You sound a bit like one of those non committal friends who waits to see if anything else pops up before committing.
I'm a naturally organised person in terms of planning and would hate to have to wait until 'a week or 2 before' to get things organised.

Vulpine · 30/01/2020 07:52

I think they should have changed the date to one you could commit to

SinglePringle · 30/01/2020 07:53

Why don’t you see if there’s a compromise to be had: you fly out on the Friday after the kids have got up etc and fly back on the Sunday or early Monday?

Cyberlibre · 30/01/2020 07:54

But vulpine it doesn't sound like op gave any options? Just said that weekend may be tricky.

summeriscoming20 · 30/01/2020 07:58

I think you're being a bit unreasonable here OP. You are basically ruling out the whole of September so I'd probably drop out and not leaving them hanging on. Of course they're going to want to get things booked in and plan for it as they're excited.

CakeandCustard28 · 30/01/2020 08:00

Just drop out. Your hindering their plans. Just say you’ll be able to go next year when your dc is settled into college etc. No harm done.

Butterymuffin · 30/01/2020 08:02

Fair enough if paramedic shifts are set far in advance - I didn't know that was the norm.

I was just about to suggest what @SinglePringle has said: could you go for a shorter time? Just Sat-Sun even so it's when the teens are at home?

JaneDarcy · 30/01/2020 08:04

Tell them to count you out of whatever the event is but that you might be able to make the weekend itself. You'll see closer to the e

littlebitnonchalant · 30/01/2020 08:05

You’ve basically told them you’re unable to commit. Wait this one out and go on the next one.

LIZS · 30/01/2020 08:11

Either pull out or say you can only go for a shorter period around the shifts/school.

20viona · 30/01/2020 08:12

You clearly just don't want to go.

LH1987 · 30/01/2020 08:30

Go on Saturday morning and leave Sunday evening. You would have o e great night out. I sure the teens would be okay for that period.

callmeadoctor · 30/01/2020 08:35

Alternative would be get a friend of your kids to meet them on the morning and travel in together, you have got plenty of time to organise.

Original poster
Veeeteee · 30/01/2020 08:36

To be clear, as soon as I realised that September was tricky (last autumn, a few days after friend 1's message about the provisional booking) I let them know and why. Both friend 1 and I suggested looking at other dates (she's very flexible) and there are loads of weekends that would've worked well for DH's shifts - the whole of October for example. However, it was a flat no from friend 2 so I said that in that case I couldn't commit to September but would try my best. Yes, I've seriously considered going for just the weekend itself but even so it leaves the DC home alone for over 14 hours and they need ferrying about still so not ideal.

It's only since the others came on board and they've started wanted to book stuff that I've realised it's not so simple and that I should probably drop out now (8 months in advance) so they can forge ahead with plans. Yes, I do want to go and am gutted it's proving so difficult but c'est la vie I guess! It's now just a case of telling them nicely ...

OP posts:
unlikelytobe · 30/01/2020 08:39

Leave them to it, they shouldn't be expected to wait and wait - you said yourself you won't know how things are until very close to the departure date and it's not fair to keep them on tenterhooks. The new people won't mind either way and the old friends if they're good mates will understand. It's a shame you're missing out but maybe next time they'll consult you about availability first or you arrange it and take the lead.

Pilot12 · 30/01/2020 08:49

I think your DH is being unreasonable here, "he's not keen" to take a few days off so his DW can have one weekend away with her friends. I think I'd be "not keen" to cook his dinner for the next few months......

If DH isn't going to change his mind you'll just have to tell your friends you can't go on this occasion. They shouldn't have to cancel because one person can't make it.

CalmFizz · 30/01/2020 08:54

It's eight months away, I think you should go.

Your children are teens? Sell it as a weekend of independence.

MrKlaw · 30/01/2020 08:56

why don't you go on the Friday afternoon/evening once DC1 is home? Assuming the cost for your share of the villa is reasonable the rest can work around you for the one day you're not there. Doesn't put their noses out particularly but you still get a reasonably long weekend.

inwood · 30/01/2020 09:17

What do you think is going to happen to your son at college that you cant go away for a few days op?

AFirst · 30/01/2020 09:18

Can you book it and pay with the proviso that you may drop out at the last minute? Is it a lot of money?
Your sons may be absolutely fine.

Alternatively have you any other family members who can help out? It does seem a shame if you can’t go.

I think it’s mean that your husband won’t book leave.

TeddybearBaby · 30/01/2020 09:20

I second the going Friday afternoon back Sunday night idea. Call me a terrible parent but I put myself before my kids occasionally. Everyone needs time out.

JudgeRindersMinder · 30/01/2020 09:23

Fair enough if paramedic shifts are set far in advance - I didn't know that was the norm.

It is the norm across all the emergency services. You work on a team and have a set pattern, mine is 4 on, 6 off, fire service is usually 4 on 4 off

2monstermash · 30/01/2020 09:31

Just go!!

Your kids/DH WILL manage.