Boss has upset me but AIBU?

[Jane129]

I work part time and have a young baby son.

My son has been unwell over the last week. Viral sort of illness. However, one evening his temperature soared and we struggled to get it down. He was very unwell. He was extremely tearful and just very poorly, only wanted his mum.

I had to call into work as I deemed him too sick to leave.

Rang my boss, couldn't connect to his phone so rang the next person on the list and she said she would speak to him.

Half an hour later I get a call: He starts the conversation very abrupt. What's this I hear about you not coming in? I haven't enough notice to cover you. He then proceeds to tell me how my baby is just being clingy, that all babies are like that when you try and leave them but they are fine 10 minutes later. The only reason he's like that is because I'm his primary caregiver so of course he's going to be upset. At this point I am angry at hearing this and I tell him to stop patronising me and that I'll come in. I leave him with a family member once I know he's OK and head into work.

I am now feeling so angry. How dare he tell me how to parent? That my child who has a very high fever and has only slept for an hour max during the night is just clingy?

He tried to apologise to me during the day but it started with I'm sorry if you thought I was patronising.

I have a good relationship with my boss. He has his bad points but I've deemed it better working with him than a bully boss. He doesn't do well with confrontation and I don't think he would have meant to cause me so much upset but he has. We have an honest relationship, I would say out of all the staff members I'm the closest to him and the one he knows he can trust.

My friend said it's because our staff attendance is low so he panicked but that's not the point. I can count on one hand how many times I've had to ring in, the fact is you don't tell me what my child needed. He has the worst attendance in the school as he is the main carer for his child. He probably averages a day off a week, but this isn't recorded as he's the boss! No one higher up knows how much he's off.

I now feel sick about going back in. I'm losing sleep over what to do. Do I talk to him? Tell him everything? Do I look for another job? Do I forget what's happened? Or is it me who's being unreasonable?

I don't know...

Just forget about it and get on with things as normal.

Yes, he was talking shite, but he was under pressure and panicking. I doubt he'd repeat what he said to you, as he will know it was a load of bollocks.

I would have a calm discussion with him. Did he know about the high temperature before making the comment?

Yes he knew about it. I think I'm so upset about it as well because I do so much for him and cover his back so much! I literally go above and beyond for him, yet when I'm in need I get treated like that.

If you like your job I would just try and move on - not saying you can't be pissed off but I wouldn't bring it up again if you're happy there

I'm confused as to why you went in?

He didn’t handle your unplanned annual leave due to having an unwell baby v well. You say you’ve rarely taken time off due to your DC and that he takes lots of time off, so he’s hypocritical too!

Why would you be “close to” your boss? Would avoid that and maintain professional boundaries.

It sounds like you have a good, honest and open relationship with him. When you have calmed down, do you think you could diplomatically point out the hypocrisy of his attitude given his attendance, and also how often you have covered his back, gone above and beyond, and how rarely you have called in - and that he should have given you the benefit of the doubt, respected your judgment as a parent, and your right to take sick leave to care for a dependent (is that a thing here? I don't know.)

Thank you.

I don't know why I went in tbh. I had the same convo with my husband. Think I just felt like I had to. I wish I hadn't now.

By close to I mean I'm almost his second in charge if that makes sense. Our relationship is completely professional but I can't help feeling so let down and almost like I'm done with this job now. But is it better the devil you know?

Honest conversation is great advice. Think I might go down that route.

I had a boss that had driven his previous three secretaries to drink. (Didn't have to do that, I was already there. . .) But I could tell him anything, and if I thought he was out of order, I told him. Behind closed doors. And if I still didn't get through, a cheese and pickle sandwich would drive the point home.

Totally professional relationship - but he really appreciated that I was straight talking and would tell him when I thought he was out of order. Best boss I ever worked for, and he always said I was the best PA he ever had.

Unfortunately you've buggered up the point by going into work. Sort of proving that you didn't actually need to stay off with an ill child.
Is he the head teacher by any chance? I've worked with ones who were adept at having time off (unofficially) but good forbid you needed any.

Unless you actually ARE second in charge and paid accordingly would just be professional and wouldn’t go out of my way to help him any more than you would other colleagues.

I would let it lie for now.

So stop going above and beyond

It's just a job. You are replaceable, we all are. Hope baby is well now.

Blimey. I can't imagine telling any of the people I manage to come in anyway even if their child was sick. How rude of him!

But by going in you kind of proved him right.

How far in advance of your shift did you call in?

YANBU and his behaviour was dreadful. However I really wish you hadn't gone in because actually it just proves him right. I don't think there's much you can do or say about it now to be honest.

Surely if you did go in when he spoke abruptly to you, and your son was fine when left with someone else, then he had a valid point? Even if he shouldn’t have spoken to you the way he did.

Sorry OP but by going in you proved him right. Now he's going to think you're pulling a fast one every time your child is poorly.

Thanks everyone, really helpful comments that is helping me deal with the situation.

I know I shouldn't have gone in. Think I just panicked. My family member still had to come over so it was just lucky that they were off work that day. I know that doesn't justify it but if they weren't off I wouldn't have gone in.

Think I just felt a bit bullied to go in. Like if I had stayed home I would have got sacked or something. I just panicked.

When things happen like that in life that you aren't expecting you always look back and think, damn, why did I do that and this is one of those moments for sure.

I called him at 7am. The latest on our 'procedure' is 8.15 but we're not a procedure type place. If someone is off then we all pull together and make it work.

I feel you are hurt by his behaviour toward you OP & rightly so. You have treated him like a friend really and when you needed him to understand and be supportive to you he let you down. He's a wanker. Take no notice

My boss once did this to me over coming into work in the snow. It was a snow day, no kids in school, but she pressured staff to come in. I lived furthest from the school of any staff member (40 minutes away on a good day), and rurally. I called her to say it really wasn't safe to come in, but she still pressurised me. Stupidly I de-snowed and de-iced the car and set off. It took me ages and it was almost lunchtime, when I got there - and a car skidded into the back of me when I stopped at some traffic lights near the end of my journey.

When I walked into work, stressed by the accident and my own stupidity, she was walking towards me. And it turned out that she and the secretary (who both lived five minutes walk away) were the only people in.

I lost it. Normally I was scared of this woman, but I was so fired up that I just went for it, and told her exactly what I thought of her. She was just stunned and failed to even find any words before I stormed off.
It. Was. Absolutely. Worth. It.

Was your husband not able to care for your son even though he really wanted his mum?

I have every sympathy with you - but I also manage a team with a lot of mothers of young children on it and the amount of times they can't come in because "they need their mum" when they're poorly is worrying.

They don't seem to be asking their partners to parent in these situations ( whether or not they can and who makes the call as to who takes time off to care in these situations I don't always know).

But the 'woman as primary caregiver' trope is not helped by this being the de facto position that "can you come into work" negotiations always start from.

It's really difficult when you have a child....mine are older, but last week one was off with D/V Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday fine. Thursday another off and then Friday 2 off. DH - cannot take time off to look after sick children, his wage is 200x mine and he's often away.
I'm an optometrist and I often work in a practice where there isn't any cover if I can't come in and they then make no money that day.
Your boss is bound to be upset if you're not in and you just need to accept that, but things happen, kids get ill a lot and you need to be there for them.

I have a similar relationship with my boss to what you have described, i'm rarely off without notice and always go above and beyond.

DC2 was ill over the weekend with similar symptoms, I text him Sunday evening to explain I would be off Monday and his response? 'Ok Champagne, no worries'. He then text me Monday to see how DC2 was.

Your boss's reaction was all wrong but you shouldn't have gone in, they would have had to just get on with it. I've learned over the years when other people are off unexpectedly the whole world doesn't stop and the company doesn't fall apart, so next time have your day off with your 'clingy' DC. I would definitely have a honest chat with him when the opportunity arises, just pick your moment carefully.