Boss has upset me but AIBU?

[Jane129]

I work part time and have a young baby son.

My son has been unwell over the last week. Viral sort of illness. However, one evening his temperature soared and we struggled to get it down. He was very unwell. He was extremely tearful and just very poorly, only wanted his mum.

I had to call into work as I deemed him too sick to leave.

Rang my boss, couldn't connect to his phone so rang the next person on the list and she said she would speak to him.

Half an hour later I get a call: He starts the conversation very abrupt. What's this I hear about you not coming in? I haven't enough notice to cover you. He then proceeds to tell me how my baby is just being clingy, that all babies are like that when you try and leave them but they are fine 10 minutes later. The only reason he's like that is because I'm his primary caregiver so of course he's going to be upset. At this point I am angry at hearing this and I tell him to stop patronising me and that I'll come in. I leave him with a family member once I know he's OK and head into work.

I am now feeling so angry. How dare he tell me how to parent? That my child who has a very high fever and has only slept for an hour max during the night is just clingy?

He tried to apologise to me during the day but it started with I'm sorry if you thought I was patronising.

I have a good relationship with my boss. He has his bad points but I've deemed it better working with him than a bully boss. He doesn't do well with confrontation and I don't think he would have meant to cause me so much upset but he has. We have an honest relationship, I would say out of all the staff members I'm the closest to him and the one he knows he can trust.

My friend said it's because our staff attendance is low so he panicked but that's not the point. I can count on one hand how many times I've had to ring in, the fact is you don't tell me what my child needed. He has the worst attendance in the school as he is the main carer for his child. He probably averages a day off a week, but this isn't recorded as he's the boss! No one higher up knows how much he's off.

I now feel sick about going back in. I'm losing sleep over what to do. Do I talk to him? Tell him everything? Do I look for another job? Do I forget what's happened? Or is it me who's being unreasonable?

I don't know...

Also I would be wary of what message the other person had passed on. I called work once because ds had been taken in an ambulance to a and e and ended up in intensive care. I spoke to someone for 2 mins saying exactly that and I’d call the boss when dh arrived and I got a minute. I was extremely distressed. When I called my boss 12 hours later the message they had got was I’d be in once dh got back from work. Completely missing out the intensive care part. So I had five minutes of attitude about making better plans until I burst into tears. Boss was apologetic and felt terrible.

saraclara this has empowered me to go and scream at him 😂 might end up sacked after all!

@underneaththeash where I work parents are expected to share carers leave. Your employer won’t care that your DH earns more than you. If he were a single parent he would need to take the time off or pay for a carer. This sort of attitude is why women are resented at work.

I now feel sick about going back in. I'm losing sleep over what to do. Do I talk to him? Tell him everything? Do I look for another job? Do I forget what's happened? Or is it me who's being unreasonable?

I wouldn’t do any of those things. Just go in and do your job.

What time did you phone and what time were you supposed to be in?

I also manage a team with loads of mothers and it’s shocking how many take time off and jeopardize their own jobs rather than share with their DP/DH.

I’m a single parent with minimal support so it’s not like I don’t understand but some call in with a sick child almost weekly!

I would just rise above it, keep your relationship strictly professional. And never put his opinion above your sick child again

Since you otherwise paint a positive picture of the relationship with your boss I would put it behind you, perhaps talking it through with him. I think he was completely unprofessional expressing an opinion on you child's needs. However I know from experience it is very stressful when staff cant attend. Legally you are entitled to a day off for a family emergency but beyond that employees are expected to have a contingency plan. Unless you can establish a way of working which acknowledges greater flexibility on both sides.

I'm with those saying you seem to have been unreasonable. You could get good care for your son so calling to cancel your shift at short notice was unprofessional. I don't think his choice of words ("clingy") was good but I think his sentiment - that actually, no, they don't need you in particular as much as you think they do, was spot on and you proved him right.

I'm with the "me to" group that thinks YABU. Your boss could get the sack if he doesn't maintain staff levels, his stress levels would be high, and it appears that you found a way over your problem. I often child mind for working parents, surely you could find a reliable suitable person to call upon should a similar circumstance arise. It will also call into question employers taking the risk of employing dependant parents.

If the child's father was there (it sounds like you work evenings?) I can see boss' point. Even if that's not the case, boss had received news that made life difficult for him and reacted badly, but we're all human.

FWIW you have no automatic right to paid leave to care for a sick child, only to unpaid leave to deal with the immediate emergency, i.e. to arrange alternative care.

That said, I wouldn't have made the call on receiving the message from colleague but would have waited until you were back to discuss any issues I felt needed addressing.

He behaved unprofessionally. However, you kind of proved his point by going in.

I would just move on from it, he would likely act differently if the same situation occurred again as would you.

OP, I think lots of emotions are mixed up.

You were worried about your child and don't call in often.

He is absent regularly.

You support him hugely sand go beyond your job and pay.

In the moment you felt bullied and patronised.

You are extremely pissed off with him and the cheek of him speaking to you like that.

You are pissed off with yourself for going in.

I think you should very calmly point out to him how disappointed you are in his treatment of you when your child was so sick and it's such a rare occurrence.
I think you could tell him you really don't appreciate him telling you how to deal with your very sick child.
You could say you felt undue pressure to come into work despite having said you needed the time off.

I think you should adopt a really cool, professional manner with him and pull back from doing more way more than your job description.

You said that you can count on one hand how many times you’ve called in. What does this mean in actual numbers? If it’s twice in ten years then he is being very unreasonable but if it’s five times in the last year then I could understand his frustration. Iyswim

I think I’d leave things how they are. He did apologise, even if it wasn’t a great apology at least it was an acknowledgment that his behaviour wasn’t ok.

I worked when my kids were little so understand how difficult it can be but I think it’s important for women to share kids sick days with their partners. Women have higher sickness rates than men and anything that adds to their perceived unreliability is bad news.

I think I'd ask him to communicate by email in future.

Similar issues in my workplace. Childless boss, flew off the handle at me when DS was very unwell with a 40 plus degree temperature, and I had to whizz home to take him to the GP, where he was diagnosed with a chest infection. He was only 1 at the time.
Like you, I am in the more dedicated category of staff, have been there several years, rarely off sick, work plenty of evening events without taking time back. Etc etc. Boss has tendency to zoom in on the small faults of a high performing staff member because it is very noticeable when they do something he perceives to be wrong. Others continue to be relatively mediocre and boss wouldn't even raise an eyebrow if they didn't appear until 10 and left at 2.
I spoke to my HR manager who recommended that whenever my son is ill in the future, I lie and say I have a headache or other illness because he can't argue with that.
My DH earns more than twice my salary and is often in Europe or cannot be reached because he's in a meeting.
It's very hard. And I'm currently on mat leave with my second baby so it's only going to get harder. I love my job but the next time it happens I think I will tell him to go fuck himself.
for you

@kittlesticks your HR manager is an idiot. Dependants Leave is monitored separately to personal sick leave and they can't discriminate against you for it in terms of redundancy etc, whereas they can use your own sick leave against you.

It's awful to be put in a position like that - I have a great working relationship with a colleague (young enough to be my son, so nothing "funny" going on). Just the 2 of us share a really busy job, but he suffers from anxiety and has had lots of time off over the last few years, which I cover. Mid December, I had a few days off and on the day I was due back, he sent me a text that he wasn't coming in for the rest of the year and would see me January 6! December-January is our busiest time of the year and when he didn't turn up on the 6th (sent me a text in the morning), or the next day. I texted back that I was feeling the pressure and starting to feel a bit of resentment that he'd left all the work for me and that I didn't want to feel like that, and he turned on me! Texted back IN CAPITALS that I know he has anxiety and how dare I etc etc. Well, that was the end of my supporting him and covering for him. We sorted it out, but he certainly knows my opinion of him taking days off any more - and that I've had enough of it. He knows he did wrong and said it was the kick in the pants he needed, but still blames me a bit that he can't continue in that old lifestyle and have me cover for him any more.

My opinion is that the more supportive you are, some will just take the piss and think of you as weak - when in fact, I think it takes a strong & tolerant person to have a good working relationship with colleagues.

When you go in and he tries to talk to you, then very quietly and firmly tell him that you do not appreciate being bullied and pressured to come in, and that he has never even met your child so is not in any position to dictate to you what your child does and doesn't need. Tell him that you are incredibly disappointed that despite all of the support you give him, he could not find it in himself to extend the same understanding to you. Finish by saying that as far as you are concerned the matter is closed but for the avoidance of doubt, you do not expect to see a recurrence of this situation again.

He overstepped the boundary from employer to bossy bastard. If it happens again politely tell him you will parent as you see fit. Also raise this with HR just to keep a record.

billy1966 couldn't have written that better myself tbh.

Think it was definitely the shock of his attitude towards me with how beyond my job role I go.

It's definitely changed my attitude to work now and him.

I do keep changing my mind but think I'm going to move forward with just doing my job role, keeping my head down and there's no way I'm doing anything extra for him anymore. Then I think this year I will search for a position in a different establishment as I feel like I can't move past this. I know that sounds silly but I just feel very betrayed.

If he brings up the matter, I will have no issue in telling him my feelings of how he dealt with it, but it's going to be pretty obvious with how our professional relationship will change anyway.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment all.

Make it clear you won’t be doing that again.

Work is important but when kids are sick, they are sick. What if you had been sick, he would have had to find a solution.

@underneaththeash

It's really difficult when you have a child....mine are older, but last week one was off with D/V Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday fine. Thursday another off and then Friday 2 off. DH - cannot take time off to look after sick children, his wage is 200x mine and he's often away

Whenever you read about why women's careers stall or bosses refuse to be flexible, it's because they often hear frustrating phrases like this.

Basically saying that their work and team is not as important as the child's father's or the work. As a boss it's appalling that women don't see the message it gives.

@Becles I do get what you're saying here but for quite a lot of families, this is just the truth. DH and I made the decision that he would have the less flexible role and I would be the parent on hand, rarely away, in a job that is meant to be more flexible. He has a 'profession' so naturally has a bit of a more clear career path than me. I could look for a bigger and less flexible role but probably not til both kids are at school. I think when you have kids you have to make decisions like this because kids get sick.
What's annoying is when my boss doesn't respect that I can't split myself in two and trust that my job is being done very effectively and I'm managing my time appropriately, at the same time as being a parent to my kids. Especially when I have always shown complete commitment to the role and see other people who don't have dependants basically taking the piss.
Something has to give for working parents but that doesn't make you an anti feminist. I think Anna W who runs the flex-appeal online has really sensible things to say about the issue.

@kittlesticks my DP is a 'professional' that earns almost 4x what I do.
He takes time off with LO when he needs to because he's a parent too.

It's definitely changed my attitude to work now and him.

I do keep changing my mind but think I'm going to move forward with just doing my job role, keeping my head down and there's no way I'm doing anything extra for him anymore.

If you were going above and beyond because you liked him and it was a favour to him, this makes sense. If you were doing it because this is a career for you that you want to excel in then it’s a pretty stupid and self-sabotaging way to respond.