Boss has upset me but AIBU?

[Jane129]

I work part time and have a young baby son.

My son has been unwell over the last week. Viral sort of illness. However, one evening his temperature soared and we struggled to get it down. He was very unwell. He was extremely tearful and just very poorly, only wanted his mum.

I had to call into work as I deemed him too sick to leave.

Rang my boss, couldn't connect to his phone so rang the next person on the list and she said she would speak to him.

Half an hour later I get a call: He starts the conversation very abrupt. What's this I hear about you not coming in? I haven't enough notice to cover you. He then proceeds to tell me how my baby is just being clingy, that all babies are like that when you try and leave them but they are fine 10 minutes later. The only reason he's like that is because I'm his primary caregiver so of course he's going to be upset. At this point I am angry at hearing this and I tell him to stop patronising me and that I'll come in. I leave him with a family member once I know he's OK and head into work.

I am now feeling so angry. How dare he tell me how to parent? That my child who has a very high fever and has only slept for an hour max during the night is just clingy?

He tried to apologise to me during the day but it started with I'm sorry if you thought I was patronising.

I have a good relationship with my boss. He has his bad points but I've deemed it better working with him than a bully boss. He doesn't do well with confrontation and I don't think he would have meant to cause me so much upset but he has. We have an honest relationship, I would say out of all the staff members I'm the closest to him and the one he knows he can trust.

My friend said it's because our staff attendance is low so he panicked but that's not the point. I can count on one hand how many times I've had to ring in, the fact is you don't tell me what my child needed. He has the worst attendance in the school as he is the main carer for his child. He probably averages a day off a week, but this isn't recorded as he's the boss! No one higher up knows how much he's off.

I now feel sick about going back in. I'm losing sleep over what to do. Do I talk to him? Tell him everything? Do I look for another job? Do I forget what's happened? Or is it me who's being unreasonable?

I don't know...

@GiveHerHellFromUs agreed, but sometimes one half of the partnership just can't, because they are in another country or a 2 hour drive away. So on those days where kids have to be collected early because they have come down with a bug, it's naturally the more available partner with a more flexible job that has to do the collection. If our kids were sick with something that requires 48 hours off nursery, it's easier to plan and share the load, but when it's something unexpected it's me who would usually collect.
I suppose I'm just trying to say that for a lot of people it just can't be as 50/50 as they might want it to be, and they shouldn't be punished at work because of that.

@kittlesticks that makes sense of course, if one of you is physically unable to get there and the child needs to be picked up.

The issue is more to do with mother's who accept that their partners job is far too important for them to possibly take time off. The amount of times you see women say "oh DP can't take any time off to look after the children so I only work part time" is bizarre.

The thing is you kind of proved him right and that you agreed with him by immediately organising care for your child and going in. So I think you're on the back foot here. I'm sorry. It's very difficult to argue that you genuinely felt your child needed you, when after one convo you simply sort child care and go in.

I think you should adopt a really cool, professional manner with him and pull back from doing more way more than your job description.

This.

@GiveHerHellFromUs yes agreed. I don't think my DH would say 'oh no my job is too important.' I suppose if he was a heart surgeon it would be different.

I would not have gone in. If you made a decision that your child needed you at home then you should've stuck to it. You've potentially put yourself in a position where your boss won't a) believe your dc is 'sick enough' and b) believe that you have no other option for childcare. He was being a patronising arse btw!