Re contacting my half brother who is unaware of my existence. WWYD?

[Bayleystrim]

I’m currently pregnant with my first DC which has made me think a lot about my family circumstances. I’m 30, have never met my Father but know that he isn’t willing to acknowledge my existence whatsoever. He now lives abroad (within Europe) and a few years ago I tracked down his Facebook page and sent him a message. Sure enough I never received a response but over the years I’ve continued to check up on his profile page out of curiosity and have also found the profiles of other family members including my Grandmother and my half brother.

My DM had already told me that I had a half brother as he’s a few years older than me and lived part time with my father when my DM met him. As far as my DM knows, my existence was very much kept a secret so we don’t believe that any of my father’s family know about me.

I recently noticed via Facebook that my half brother, his wife and children have moved back to the UK and are now based not too far away from me. DH thinks I should make contact. Part of me feels as though I have nothing to loose but the other part of me feels as though it’s best left well alone after all these years. I’m conscious that my contact may not receive a warm welcome.

Would be really interested to know what others would do in my situation?

I would personally leave it but then I don't think blood means anything, your family is who you make it.

I think life's too short not to just do it tbh.

As long as you word the message carefully and thoughtfully with his feelings in mind, and as long as it doesn't affect you too much if he ignores or responds to the message in a less than positive way.

But you'll never know unless you give it a try.

What does your DM think?

I am in a very similar situation as you.
My 'dad' left me and my when I was a baby. No contact. I recently found out he has a 14 year old son. I am pretty certain he doesn't know of my existence. I have no plans to contact this kid, although I would love to. I feel it would be pretty selfish of me to turn the boys life over knowing his family kept my existence a secret.

However in your situation your half brother is an adult, and capable of understanding it. I guess you have to think of the consequence of introducing yourself you him and his family. It's a tough one ! Good luck op

I wouldn’t. Blood means nothing to me either. My ex had a half brother who he contacted as an adult but he wasn’t interested. I think people assume it will be one big happy family but that doesn’t always happen in reality

I would do it but think carefully about whether you do it now or when your baby is born and you’re recovered. I think pregnancy can feel quite an emotional time and if he doesn’t react well will it have more of an impact because you’re pregnant? I say all this because I’m currently pregnant and finding emotional decisions and things I’d normally not have an issue with quite difficult

I would do it. I was contacted a few years ago by a half brother who was put up for adoption when he was a baby. Please don’t get your hopes up. I was made up to be contacted by him but he turned out to be an absolute psycho.

I wouldn’t. There’s potential for causing all sorts of emotional damage, not least to yourself.

I’m not sure.

A lot would depend on the circumstances of your mum and dad... eg. If he was married with a family, and having an affair with your mum which led to you being conceived... and he’s still married etc, I’m not sure I could throw that grenade into his families lives.

I don't think it's fair on him to be contacted out of the blue with this news. Think very hard before you do this, perhaps take advice from an adoption agency as they know what the impact of this sort of news can be

I have never met my biological father and he may well have children. I have no interest in finding out, and would be unhappy at having someone contact me claiming a relationship I have never sought, and having either to have contact I do not want, or disappointing a someone who clearly does. But... obviously there are people (like you!) who feel quite differently. It's impossible to say what his response will be.

Why did he keep you a secret? There's probably history that might be better if not revisited.

I'd just leave it to make you accessible if the truth came out and he wanted to make contact.

would be unhappy at having someone contact me claiming a relationship I have never sought, and having either to have contact I do not want, or disappointing a someone who clearly does

See I feel the same, I wouldn’t want to be contacted.

Do it! If it is what you truly want!
Be prepared to be ignored or called a liar or worse .. at least you can say you tried..
nothing ventured nothing gained 🌷

I'd do it. Life is too short to always be wondering why.

Life is too short not to if you want to but personally I wouldn’t do it

I would, if felt could deal OK with a non or negative response.

I'm really torn.

If any brothers and sisters come out of the woodwork now I don't know how I would feel.

I haven't seen my bio father since I was two. It could happen 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I'd feel guilty seeing them and guilty not seeing them.

I really have no idea how I would feel.

Sorry no help.

I would as pp have said, life is too short. However, it could be stressful, more so given that you're pregnant. I'd wait until your DC is a few months old.

I'd leave well alone tbh. This is one of the many reasons I've never had anything to do with Facebook.

Much depends on why you were kept a secret.

I know someone this happened to. They had never wanted to know about their biological dad but a half sibling appeared and wanted to be families. It has destroyed her peace of mind, she's really distressed and having mental health problems.

Please Be very careful- it's not just about you , think very carefully about the family that you are throwing a bomb into. It's happened in my husband's family and has caused a lot of hurt.

I would, but then i awoke one morning to a message from my half sister.

She presumed we knew nothing of her existence but we did, and had tried to search for her for years after our father died. But due to marrying abroad and being a teacher so not having her real name in facebook we really struggled to find her.

It has been very healing for all of us, us to know more about my dad from before he met my mum and for her to know more about my dads later years.

Be prepared for some hurt feelings though i know my half-sister feels very hurt that he left when she was young and never saw her again and then went on to have us and be an amazing father. Likewise it clouded our view of our beloved dad to hear how he had let her down.

If you are the younger sibling are you the result of an affair of some sort. I will be honest if I had a sibling that was the result of this ( I had a father that had multiple affairs) I would not want anything to do them. I wouldn’t count them as being my family. I would just see them as a cause of pain.