Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Re contacting my half brother who is unaware of my existence. WWYD?

67 replies

Bayleystrim · 29/01/2020 18:16

I’m currently pregnant with my first DC which has made me think a lot about my family circumstances. I’m 30, have never met my Father but know that he isn’t willing to acknowledge my existence whatsoever. He now lives abroad (within Europe) and a few years ago I tracked down his Facebook page and sent him a message. Sure enough I never received a response but over the years I’ve continued to check up on his profile page out of curiosity and have also found the profiles of other family members including my Grandmother and my half brother.

My DM had already told me that I had a half brother as he’s a few years older than me and lived part time with my father when my DM met him. As far as my DM knows, my existence was very much kept a secret so we don’t believe that any of my father’s family know about me.

I recently noticed via Facebook that my half brother, his wife and children have moved back to the UK and are now based not too far away from me. DH thinks I should make contact. Part of me feels as though I have nothing to loose but the other part of me feels as though it’s best left well alone after all these years. I’m conscious that my contact may not receive a warm welcome.

Would be really interested to know what others would do in my situation?

OP posts:

ArchieStar · 29/01/2020 18:57

I would do it, worded carefully with many “I think you are” “if you would like to” do the ball is very much in his court and there’s zero pressure from you. I would also only do it if I was fully prepared for all outcomes. Best of luck 💖

WilheldivaHater · 29/01/2020 18:59

You say you don't have anything to loose, but what about him? This could cause a lot of problems in his family and cause issues between him and his dad.

I suppose there is always the possibility that he does know about you and has no wishes to meet you.

If it was me I'd leave it, best case scenario is that your message would be ignored. I really can't see any better outcome than that.

icannotremember · 29/01/2020 19:00

I don't think I would want to make contact if I were you; if I were the half sibling, I don't think I would want to be contacted.

Geneshish · 29/01/2020 19:00

I would want to know if I had any half brothers or sisters. I think send them a short message to say that you dont want to cause any upset but you share a father (give some proof if you can!) and you understand if they just want to let things stay as they are but you would love to know more about them

HavelockVetinari · 29/01/2020 19:08

Do it! I found I had an extra full sister when I was in my early 20s, Dad got Mum pg at uni before they married, back in the day when there would have been no choice but to quit studying and live a life of poverty - they gave her up for adoption and she made contact in her 30s. It was a shock, but we were all delighted, she's soooooo similar to us all, and her adoptive family have become very close to us all. She had a great upbringing and is very close to her family especially her parents. I love her very much.

Figgygal · 29/01/2020 19:10

What are you hoping to achieve from it?

You are two people who just share DNA. It might be cleaner and safer just to leave things as they are

Levie · 29/01/2020 19:10

I would strongly advise against this. I’ve been in the situation of your half-brother- the revelation of his existence was hugely painful to my Mum and my siblings. It caused deep and lasting damage in our family. I’ve never actually met my half brother and would not want any contact at all.
You have no idea about your father’s family and you could end up causing untold damage and pain to people who really don’t deserve it. Please think very carefully about what the potential consequences might be.

Drum2018 · 29/01/2020 19:11

I'd send a message. If he ignores it so be it but it could work out positively. At the end of the day you exist and you should not be anyone's secret. Your father doesn't get to decide who you tell. How well he got to walk away pretending you weren't his child

TriciaH87 · 29/01/2020 19:11

I'm 32. I knew at a young age my dad was not my dad. At 22 I found my real farther and decided against a relationship based on things my mum did not tell me so I could make my own mind up. He had no other children but if he had or one pops up in the future I would want to know. I would contact the grandparent first to see if they know about you. Bit of an ice breaker. She is more likely to remember him dating your mum than your sibling. Go for it you have a whole family to gain and nothing to loose.

aSofaNearYou · 29/01/2020 19:17

I don't think you need to feel guilty about whether your father had an affair and it was never uncovered - personally I think if that's the case then the family SHOULD know. I would just think about it from your POV - do you want to know your half brother enough to run the risk of adding drama to your life if it doesn't go well?

I would also consider your mum, and whether she would be negatively impacted by opening the can of worms. I wouldn't do it without asking her.

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/01/2020 19:20

I'd be tempted to do one of those DNA tests and see what come up first.

Jeleste · 29/01/2020 19:21

I would contact him. Like you said, youve got nothing to loose.
If i had half siblings somewhere, i would want to be contacted and i would want to meet them. Doesnt matter if they are the result of an affair or not. I wouldnt blame my half sibling for the pain my dad caused, especially after such a long time.
Im aware not everyone would want to be contacted, but in that case they will either ignore your message or just tell you they want nothing to do with you. Just prepare for that to happen and dont take it personally. At least then you know and you can move on without actually meeting them.
But who knows? Maybe you hit it off.

Drum2018 · 29/01/2020 19:24

@Levie how on earth could op cause untold damage to the family? The only one who will have caused 'damage' or pain will be the father for denying his child's existence all these years. Its not ops fault she was born, and it wasn't your brothers fault he was born.

Mydogmylife · 29/01/2020 19:31

@Drum2018

Do you really think that if you received a message of that sort you could ignore it? It opens a can of worms whether you take it further or not and is potentially causing massive hurt to other people, please, please op be very careful before pulling the pin on this particular grenade

fairlyplump · 29/01/2020 19:31

I say go for it, as long as your strong enough emotionally for any rejections, nothing ventured nothing gained.Good Luck xx

Applesandbanana · 29/01/2020 19:33

I wouldn’t do it. My half sister contacted me a few years ago and it caused huge repercussions for our family and between me and my dad for a long time

Cluckyandconfused · 29/01/2020 19:34

@Drum2018 you are being disingenuous, of course the appearance of a long lost sister could cause pain to other family members if they have been lied to by OP’s biological father. Obviously this is due to the fathers actions but OP should be aware that if she reveals the deception, they may be very hurt whereas now they are blissfully ignorant.

I do not know my biological father. I have found him and his brother on Facebook but I have never tried to contact them (although I have thought about it). My rationale is that it would be too painful for me if I was rejected.

underneaththeash · 29/01/2020 19:35

I've had this situation, my DF (dearly departed) had a child when he was a teen and told us when I was about 24. I do not consider him any less of a brother and he has enhanced our lives.
I think you should make contact too.

Drum2018 · 29/01/2020 19:40

@Mydogmylife he'd have the choice to ignore it if he speaks to his dad and his dad continues with his lies and deceit. Op won't be causing massive hurt to anyone. Her fathers actions all those years ago and his subsequent lies will cause the hurt. On the other hand ops brother might be delighted to have a sister. I've seen it first hand where a positives outcome has happened. With so many DNA tests available these men really don't have many places to hide anymore. It's time they were caught out and made take some responsibility for having impregnated women and then pissing off into the sunset.

SunshineCake · 29/01/2020 19:46

Send a shirt friendly message. If you can handle not hearing anything back at least you never have a what if.

I have two half siblings who do know about me. I'm older. We had some contact but then their mother got jealous so that was that.

Original poster

Bayleystrim · 29/01/2020 19:57

Thanks everyone. Just to clarify, I wasn’t conceived as a result of an affair. My DM and biological father were together for just over a year. His ex wife (the mother of my half brother) and the rest of my fathers family all knew about the relationship. Ex wife decided she wanted wanted to try again with the marriage. Unfortunately this happened around the time that my DM found out she was pregnant with me and was swiftly sent packing when she told my father the news. He made if clear that none of the family must know as it’d ruin his chances of rekindling the relationship with his ex wife, who he’s since remarried. Hope that makes sense!

OP posts:

CoffeeCoinneseur · 29/01/2020 20:07

So your dad was single, all his family knew about his relationship with your mum, and then your dad went back to re-marry his ex?

Is that what your mum told you?

If that’s the case and that’s true, then why not contact the grandmother, rather than your brother?

She’s far more likely to remember your mum and immediately believe the possibility that you are in fact her granddaughter.

SmellyBeard · 29/01/2020 20:11

If you feel strong enough emotionally for the potential fallout, I think you should contact him.

My aunt found out she has a half sister in her 60's. Her mother had never told her as she was catholic and was ashamed to have a second child out of wedlock. My aunt got a shock but they are now close friends. It's worth the risk IMO.

HeckyPeck · 29/01/2020 20:15

Same here. I love my half siblings and I’m so glad I’m in touch with them.

yellowallpaper · 29/01/2020 20:17

I'd ask two questions.

What is the best possible outcome and what is the worst possible outcome.

If the best outweighs the worst then I would contact.

Tbh I don't see what harm could come from it

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread